Poetry / Down Three Roads

i really liked it.  though it feels like there’s pieces missing.  like this is the middle of the poem.  how did you even get to the stoney pastures, and what’s become of the person now that love is involved?  it’s beautiful either way.

This is a nice piece, easy imagery, thoughtful mood, but it feels like you come in on the middle of the poem.  It’s a journey, but you’re left wondering about it, where, how, why, etc.  I like it, but I’d like to see more.  Get a deeper feel.  Keep creating!

Your poem is very good. It’s a bit surreal, and I think the basic emotion you wish to convey is definately there – this is a poem more to be felt then intellectualized – which is not a critism – both are equally valid. I think the third stanza is my personal favorite, it seems to have a lot more power then the first to, and is much more evocative. I think this is easily publishable, but I suspect there is better work in you, You have a very classical feel, very gothic, and I think in a longer work that would be more evident, it’s like you’re just warming up! In thinking about it (and I really am because this is really good) I think you need a fourth verse to kind of tie these together. Sometimes, you can tell the reader too much, but I really thing you need a summation here. I get the gist, but I would like to see it all tie up in a neat little package.

this is a pretty good peice..i esspecially like the last stanza.

i like this. the concept is great, understandable and relatable, but at the same time you found a way to make it new. At first i wasn’t sure what it was about but then it all becomes clear asnd that works well. Your imagery and figurative language work well to create a clear picture (“No purchase found in slogging soot.” and “I wound a path through silent mazes” are some of my favortite lines very creative and clever. The structure is good and tight without being or sounding to solid or restricting. I liked how well the poem flowed it was very nice. The only thing was that in the last stanza “move” doesn’t really rhyme with “love” normally i would say it doesn’t matter that much but because the poem is so invested in the rhyming structure and those verse reveal the main idea, i think they would sound better if they rhymed.

This seems to be written in an old fashioned style as if you’ve been reading dead British poets for hours on end and can’t get their voices out of your head. It’s not bad, though, and mostly works. The one word that really didn’t work is “pangs,” because there are much stronger words around it: “violently,” “crushed,” and “fought.” How about changing it to “bonds”? Also, “move” and “love” don’t really rhyme.

I loved the last 4 lines. I am envisioning the three paths as; 1) A path you literally wakled on, 2) The path your thoughts take through your mind, and 3) The path your heart is on. My favorite line is ‘when violently my heart did move’ because it makes me wonder what the circumstance was behind it. I would love to see how you would expand on each thought. Good start though.

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April 04, 2008

by Benjman

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29	M	Naples, FL	March 16

You are correct in your interpretation.  That was exactly what I meant to convey.  Thanks!

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Very good job on this poem. I like  S3 the best.I noticed how you carried through your thought processes with using found,wound,and fought , along with the ending of these lines.
Urbis is for original pieces, so you don’t need “my poem” under notes.

I enjoyed your poem..a little metaphysical rhyming poetry with a love theme. Reflections from another age..romatic. I foound some of the words a little “harsh” like “slag”.. “slogging soot”....”Violently” my heart did move.
sometimes words feel a little “forced” and often there’s the perfect word waiting to be found..Keep wirting..Good luck.

I really like this. The first stanza is my favorite, I really like the words you use and how it flows. It feels a bit unfinished to me, but maybe that’s just me.