Short Story / The Gun (Analysis)

I know this is meant to be a short story, but I would recommend expanding a bit more. what is going through his head as he pulls the trigger? you mention that he can smell her, but you should put something in there about why it hurts him so much that the only way he sees out, is death. you could maybe give a little more detail about his motives and state of mind. Because it is so short, it is lacking in these details.

I would take a pen and edit this. I would remove/replace cliches, I would tighten phrases that are elaborate, I would add more depth and feeling to the main character.

Examples of cliches just in your first paragraph:

The gun felt heavy and cold in ? trembling hand.

salty sea-breeze

hanging like some limp bag.

the world held no joy for him any longer.

The gray clouds covering the sky reflected the emptiness in his soul.

Jude slowly shook his head and ran his left hand through his tangled curls as he shut his eyes tightly.

You have extra words – like salty, heavy(head)(revolver).

Why one bullet?  And spinning the chamber … now isn’t he lucky that the gun went off with the first pull of the trigger?

A good concept… just needs work with the execution.

Really liked this good images you paint the scene well. left me wanting to know more. Did he catch her in the act, why did she do it? Always a good sign when you’re left wanting more but maybe you could lengthen it to give a little more insight, so we can empathise more with the man and be effected more by his eventual demise. Other than that, which is by no means a criticism great work thanks for sharing.

I like the feeling of loneliness that pervades your story.  Just one suggestion, use “vomit” rather then “spew”.  It’s a more elegant word and still conveys the meaning you are aiming for.

Weak Points:
-“Waves of the ocean” could be narrowed down to just “ocean waves.”  Somehow the word “uncaring” doesn’t seem natural, perhaps “indifferent” would be a better fit.
-There may be one too many adjectives on the second line.

Strong Points:
-I like how you use the lack of dialog to accentuate every small gesture, such as looking for the lighter and caressing the trigger.  It’s all minimal but it adds a nice touch.
-You’ve taken an archetypal cool guy character (the man in the long black coat, the gunslinger)and done something unexpected with him.
-Great poetic imagery.  I particularly enjoyed the seaweed line that describes the ocean as diseased.

This was a pretty good story. It was well written. I liked the way you used the reoccurring flashes of her yellow hair. I think it could be expanded. I don’t quite buy that Jude is at the point of despair that he would take his own life. Take time to develop that aspect. You could easily double the word count. I liked the ending like. It was very effective.

very macabre.  Descriptive as well.