Poetry / Take This Sin From Me (Analysis)

“To hide the scars
That sleep in me”

That is definitely original and I like it. That evokes something very strong even though the words are so simple.

I definitely think you’ve got talent worth shaping. As so many say, your work is -never- perfect, but it can be near there. This I can see getting there. You’ve got imagery and your readers can relate to the material.

For a split second I thought – for talent, what should I give you, since this is just one poem of yours I have read. I gave you what I think this poem deserves – because you can feel, it truly comes from the heart, from the aching choaking heart.
The poem flows well, the words and imagery you have chosen really made me feel the feelings I too, have felt before, from the pain of love lost.  I especially find this true of the line “to drown the thoughts that bury me” – you’re wishing you could kill the repetition of pain that’s going on in your mind (in your heart), which itself, is killing you inside. At the time, this kind of pain consumes your being.
Lovely heart-felt poem.

Poems like this I always find a little weak. It just seems to drag one’s attention down the page with it. The repetition seems unwarranted do to the seemingly formless structure. Even the rhythm is inconsistant. It hink with this type of poem you’d be better off to work it into a traditional form of sorts. It’s already halfway to being a villanelle! It just seem effortlessly composed and I’d rather work more and get something worthwhile from the effort than have something handed to me. That may just be me… Good luck!

  - A_P

the words spoke to me and i could relate to it

This poem spoke to me as no other has, reading about pain and understanding what it is you are reading two very different things. This poem put things into perspective for me. I thank you for what you made me realize I will never forget this poem. Keep writing you may help other people’s perspectives besides mine.

Well. So much to say, lol. The FIRST thing that jumped out at me is the incorrect usage of “whom” (Whom would be used with we, her, him, but not I, he, she… do you get what I’m saying?) It doesn’t ring clear and it kind of throws a wrench in the works, in a sense. Generally, you have a nice flow to your lines, but I would suggest reading it out loud to maybe clear up a few trouble spots. Sometimes it takes hearing it to get the flow right. (A problem I totally suffer with myself.) It does speak a little of teenage melodrama, but having BEEN a sixteen year old madly in love, I can feel this. Your talent in that was to take the over-emotion of a teenager and put it into a more mature poem than most your age could ever hope for. Believe me… mine at sixteen shudder I really did like this. The emotion was straight on the surface and very tangible. I could feel that hole in my heart where the love had been as I read your words. You’ve an impressive gift. As to having a talent worth shaping, I really think you do or I wouldn’t have bothered to review. I’d like to see a little more clear imagery. I’d like to BE where you are, SEE what you see and most of all (and I don’t think you’ll have a problem with this) FEEL what you feel. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing!

In the first section, I will suggestion the following..  

“With too much TIME spent
Wasting away
On thoughts of you”

I enjoyed the read, I am on the fence with regards to whether or not I am hearing the word “you” and “with you” too many times here..  I do enjoy the way you lace that into the reading just prior to the second-to-last line on each section, however, it does take a moment of re-reading to feel that stylism on this piece.

For the first section only, I would suggest getting more creative to find some words to replace “with” and or generally toying with this some.  It feels like  there are an awful lot of ‘with’, and ‘without’ words written and it is a little confusing and has to be read several times to understand in this context.

I enjoyed this and thank you for sharing.

overall I thought this was good,and shows emotions. jayne sterne ( author of Destroyed )

I didnt mind this at all.  Going from just being/living to a reason for living..a person who you love to only having pain and memories left. Though I understood it, the emotion was not coming through for me all that much.  I don’t know if you could try different wording, but other than that, I thought it was good.

that was deep, beautiful, and very romantic. i enjoyed it very much. thank you!