Poetry / Take This Sin From Me (Analysis)

You definitely show a love for words and an ear for the poetic. But the problem here is that words are not poetic because they sound poetic. Poetry isn’t arbitrary. A work is not a poem just because it has line breaks and poetic-sounding words and phrases. And that’s what i feel this piece is suffering from.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel that you owe it to yourself and your readers to revise the work and just keep writing. Honestly though, if you want to reach readers, you need to be more personal. You’ll have a hard time reaching people using phrases that are much too overused. Words like “nevermore” sound pretty but are completely arbitrary, unless you actually use them in real life. Phrases like “the pain of being me” and “the lie of what i see”... don’t tell us anything about the speaker, other than the fact that the speaker doesn’t like himself and that he feels superficial. but that describes millions of other writers. This is what makes phrases sound cliche. I just can’t gain a clearer picture about the speaker. If i copied and pasted this and said it was my work, no one could prove me wrong using the words of the poem.

Tell us what it is you exactly see. tell us who you used to be. tell us why it hurts. Perhaps this poem is about your personal experiences or something fictional. In either case, you need to delve in detail about the exact events surrounding these emotions. Anyone can tell me that they feel pain. But what is it about this pain that makes it yours and no one elses?

In other words, we the readers need something real to relate to. Right now, the poem does allow people to relate—in a very general way. The words and situations and circumstances are vague enough that anyone can interpret them the way they want to. But this doesn’t make it poetic. Poetry isn’t meant to be one-size-fits all. Tell us what it is YOU and you only see. I want to know. Make this poem yours.

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April 13, 2008

by joonthespoon

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27	M	LA, CA	November 01

that would make poetry completely arbitrary. poetry should at least be thought of on an objective level to some degree. we can’t sit there and try to shape the definition of poetry in order to defend our work.

in any case, i didn’t write the review to offend you, so please don’t take it personal. just think about what makes something poetic. is it just arbitrary line breaks? is it just a person talking to him/herself about how he feels? is that all it is?  for example, we wouldn’t ever call the lyrics to backstreet boys songs as great poetry. but what makes their lyrics any different?

April 12, 2008

by SinnerASaint

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18	M	Glen Carbon, IL	November 22

Hey, I appreciate the time you put into this review, but I have to strongly disagree. Poetry does not have to be specific to the writer, and it does not have to have a specific meaning to all readers. I wrote this poem about how I feel, and that is what it means to me. If someone else reads this and it makes them think of something completely different or feel a different way, then it does its job as a poem. A poem is supposed to relate to people in their specific way, and it is different for everyone. I do not want everyone to think the same thing about my poetry. I also did not try and force this poem to sound poetic, it just turned out that way and there is nothing wrong with it. There is no set format for poetry and I think that you should acknowledge this and accept this.

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I’d say it’s a good poem, although the idea is kind of cliché, no offense. I like the alliterations in the first two stanzas. I don’t know if you meant to do that, but it looks cool. I don’t understand poetry very well so unfortunately I can’t reflect on how deeply it touched me, but I can tell you really liked whoever this was – just remember, guys our age are very immature, don’t even waste your time on them!

I think you have the potential to write great poetry an dthe sturucture and rhythm if this piece are solid.

I think, in order to stand out, you should maybe experminement with different subject matter – this sounded a bit…cliche? Or overused or something along those lines.

Overall though, I think it’s a soild piece of poetry but the subject matter has been done before. Hope I have been of some help!

I’m thinking it would be better titled “Nevermore” b/c I don’t really see anything in the story overall that indicates a sin. The use of repetition in the last two lines of each section was well done. Good use of rhythm and rhyme, through I’m not familiar with this particular style of poetry. Good portrayal of emotion. Kudos.

“When you stole my heart
Bringing hope with smiles”

I loved that line.
It has so many truths in it.
This was very beautifully written.
Your poems resemble mine in the style of writing.
I enjoyed reading.

Impressive.  The opening is strong.  It captures the feelings of wastefulness when you invest time and energy into someone and it ends up not working out.  I love the line You take the pain of being me.  I love that whole stanza.  It is an amazing feeling when someone can give you confidence like that.  I don’t know that I would change anything.  I like it as it stands.

I am beginning to recognize your style.  I like the youthful enthusiasm, the mixture of pain of lost love and the determination to rise above it or at least to try.

Regarding the structure of the poem, I noticed that although there were instances of rhyme, they were sporadic and intermittent.  There is nothing wrong with this, but at one point in order to enforce the rhyme you resorted to the expedient solution of transposing an abstract noun and its adjective, putting abstract noun first: “For happiness true.”  This sounds rather archaic – more so than the rest of the poem, which has a more modern style.  Although this sort of transposition is more acceptable in poetry than prose (what is “poetic license” after all) it did seem to clash slightly (stylistically) with the rest of the poem.

The other point I would make is about the lines:

“So I hold tight
The night’s air”

Does this mean that you hold TO the night’s air?  This doesn’t really make sense.  One cannot hold on to air.  or does it mean that you hold your breath or hold back your emotions IN the night’s air?  Or is something else that I have missed?  You might want to consider reworking that pair of lines.

But maybe I am being over critical on those minor points.  For the most, the poem was moving, tender, loving of its subject without being sentimental, and generally bringing out the empathy of the reader with the poet.

Inspirational, yet expresses ones emotions. Life even.

I liked it in a whole but I thought that it could be better. I noticed that some of the time you made your words rhyme but then in others you didn’t. I thought that it would have been much better if it all rhymed. Usually I do not bother reading other peoples love poems desbite the fact that I have a few of my own out there but I found it easier if I pretended that it was somebody I knew writing this about me. That helped me alot in understanding your piece and thus making it much more easier to relate and understand. All in all I thought it was fair. It needed some work but the potential is defenitly there.

Good job.

As a poem it is choppy.  It is eloquent with its emotions.  Can I recommend you allow this to be what it is?  a song.  write with chorus for in reading it I hear a song to be sung.