Poetry / Take This Sin From Me (Analysis)

Very emotional. It reminds me of Romeo and Juliet a bit, especially the title. I’m sorry that they broke your heart, but look at you now. You’re a talented poet getting along fine without them! :)

I think that this piece of work is both sad and romantic. In away it reminds me of the old Wuthering Heights movie with Lawrace Olive, in away that it is both touching and deeply moving

I like this piece, and understand the intent behind writing it.  Some of the rhyming is a bit tedious and simple for the goal you were trying to attain, and repetitive phrases diminish the full force of this piece being realized.  
I think it would feel more complete if partial rhymes fell on the ‘again’s. In the second to last, and the last stanza, for instance:
2nd to last-
When hope fell short.
Dreaming in tens (illustrating that your dreams are bombarded by images of the one you lost, but this is just a suggestion of a rhyme.  )
Of you
Never again
Last-
And breathe,
When?  (changing this to when would leave a question lingering in the reader’s mind, and it would play off the original ‘and breathe, again, forever and always’)
For you,
Never again

Overall, I like the way you planned this out, leading from the beginning when you’re filled with hesitant hope to the end when it’s painfully over.  I think with a bit of tweaking it could come to fruition beautifully, because the idea and planning is already there.  Keep creating!

Well. So much to say, lol. The FIRST thing that jumped out at me is the incorrect usage of “whom” (Whom would be used with we, her, him, but not I, he, she… do you get what I’m saying?) It doesn’t ring clear and it kind of throws a wrench in the works, in a sense. Generally, you have a nice flow to your lines, but I would suggest reading it out loud to maybe clear up a few trouble spots. Sometimes it takes hearing it to get the flow right. (A problem I totally suffer with myself.) It does speak a little of teenage melodrama, but having BEEN a sixteen year old madly in love, I can feel this. Your talent in that was to take the over-emotion of a teenager and put it into a more mature poem than most your age could ever hope for. Believe me… mine at sixteen shudder I really did like this. The emotion was straight on the surface and very tangible. I could feel that hole in my heart where the love had been as I read your words. You’ve an impressive gift. As to having a talent worth shaping, I really think you do or I wouldn’t have bothered to review. I’d like to see a little more clear imagery. I’d like to BE where you are, SEE what you see and most of all (and I don’t think you’ll have a problem with this) FEEL what you feel. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing!

In the first section, I will suggestion the following..  

“With too much TIME spent
Wasting away
On thoughts of you”

I enjoyed the read, I am on the fence with regards to whether or not I am hearing the word “you” and “with you” too many times here..  I do enjoy the way you lace that into the reading just prior to the second-to-last line on each section, however, it does take a moment of re-reading to feel that stylism on this piece.

For the first section only, I would suggest getting more creative to find some words to replace “with” and or generally toying with this some.  It feels like  there are an awful lot of ‘with’, and ‘without’ words written and it is a little confusing and has to be read several times to understand in this context.

I enjoyed this and thank you for sharing.

Nice poem, full of sadness. I feel for you as the writer, Ive been through some hard times too. This poem made me want to pat you on the back and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Nice imagery and focus, a good read all in all.

overall I thought this was good,and shows emotions. jayne sterne ( author of Destroyed )

The wording is great, the emotions behind it were seeping through the poem every now and then. I thought it started off on shaky grounds like it was abit off balance at first but as you read on you get the feel of the poem more and more, so I thought it was a job well done.

Your well on your way, keep writing.

Amy

I didnt mind this at all.  Going from just being/living to a reason for living..a person who you love to only having pain and memories left. Though I understood it, the emotion was not coming through for me all that much.  I don’t know if you could try different wording, but other than that, I thought it was good.

that was deep, beautiful, and very romantic. i enjoyed it very much. thank you!