Poetry / Take This Sin From Me (Analysis)

This should be set to music. It sounds like an Evanasence song.  

It has a lovely, ethereal feel, like walking through gossamer in the moonlight.  The one problem with it is your subject, though it’s pretty good, it’s like all the other  pretty good, sort of angsty just broke up poetry. There is nothing about this that particularly jumps off the page and makes you feel different then a hundred other poems just like this. Your style is wonderful and you have a really good feel for what words work together. I’d just like to see you write a poem about something different. Everyone writes poetry when they are depressed. It’s the wost time to write poetry. Write when you’re joyful or anxious – write something querky. One of my favorite poems ever was called something like “Meatloaf Surprise” and it was a conversation between people who’d been married before. It was something like “She asked me if I liked the meatloaf surprise and I said I ate it, didn’t I? and she said that wasn’t an answer.” It’s in Pretty Good Poetry” by Garrison Keillor. It was this perfect slice of a real life and like nothing else I’d ever read before and it meant something to me. It made me long for that kind of love and familiarity and without much decription you could see her in her house coat and him in his work clothes and the curlers in her hair.

Find something weird and novel to write about. Find something that is distinctly you then put that wonderful ability to write about it to work. Don’t try to be “literary or sensitive” just let that soul you’ve got in there sing.

First off, I am not a huge poetry fan.  I tend to find most of it to be too sentimental.  I think you put words together well and they center on the subject.  I would prefer a more ‘mature’ subject, but that may just be my taste.  

Overall -  you have talent.  I think you will find more interesting subjects as your writing grows.

This is very well done.  I found no problems with this piece.   It’s emotionally evocative, the imagery is there, and the words are crafted well.  Keep writing.

It comes off a bit cliche at first, but its a piece that can grow on a person. I would say not to try so hard, you have a way with words already, so don’t over do it. Although I did like
“You take the pain
Of being me
You show the lie
Of what I see
The truth of whom
I used to be” . . .I can relate.

This is a pretty decent effort, but I have a couple of problems with it. First and foremost the lines are way to short, and take away from your poem. It also doesn’t seem like a finished piece of writing, but rather a rough draft. I think you should work on it a little more as it has the optional to be above par.

VERY good piece. I can relate to the longing to drive memories of a lost loved one from your mind. This piece cries for the one that cannot be had, and it was well written. I loook forward to reading more from you.

To hide the scars  That sleep in me
These lines grab my attention. There is smoothness to your writing.
I think it is too long. I had this comment today about one of my poems. I  thought it would help you write a little tighter. She suggested that I could use these other lines in another poem. She told me that I need to learn how to let a poem die. Is it possible to condense what you are saying?
The last stanza the repetition of “once more” seems over done.
Overall, I am impressed with your way with words.

this love sick poem is hard to read. It doesn’t flow with meter and rhyme..some of the sentences don’t make sense. “with too much spent”..too much what?...”with thoughts of you..wishing I could stay with you”..too many words and repeat of “you’ doesn’t work.”You take the pain of being me”? “empty from the start”...as opposed to full? I realize you want to express your emotions..but don’t force the words..write naturally first..then revise..pick out the best words to use..good luck

I’d say it’s a good poem, although the idea is kind of cliché, no offense. I like the alliterations in the first two stanzas. I don’t know if you meant to do that, but it looks cool. I don’t understand poetry very well so unfortunately I can’t reflect on how deeply it touched me, but I can tell you really liked whoever this was – just remember, guys our age are very immature, don’t even waste your time on them!

I think you have the potential to write great poetry an dthe sturucture and rhythm if this piece are solid.

I think, in order to stand out, you should maybe experminement with different subject matter – this sounded a bit…cliche? Or overused or something along those lines.

Overall though, I think it’s a soild piece of poetry but the subject matter has been done before. Hope I have been of some help!