Clearly, you have never felt the pure rage of being tormented by demons bestowed upon you by your parents, and resenting them for it. Thank you for the kind review, nonetheless.
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Lyrics / For My Egg Donor (Analysis)
Hook
The best dreams I’ve had of you
Were the dreams where you were dead
Dreams in which I beat you
With the hateful things you’ve said
I watched you lay there dying
And at last I felt avenged
For all the ways you hurt me
For the blows from which I cringed
You never said “I’m sorry”
But that it was my fault
Yet somehow I’ve surprised you
With the havoc i have wrought
You called yourself my mother
But acted like my owner
You call me your worst mistake
I call you my egg donor
V.1
the demons that have plagued me
Will find you one day
you cannot escape them
for your crimes you’ll have to pay
there’s nothing you can do
and nothing you can say
death will catch you eventually
Fight it as you may
The final moments of your life
will offer you no escape
from the evils you’ve committed
The child you let them rape
Offer prayers and pleading
But there is no redemption
For all the lies you’ve told
All the truth you failed to mention
(repeat HOOK)
Stare now into the eyes
That used to plead with you
To please just try to love me
And not do the things you used to do
you’ll find there no pity
For the female who never cared
Search them now for sympathy
You will find none there
After all the anguish
and pain you brought my life
there’s nothing you can say
to me to make it right
you said that i was stupid
violent and immature
I say you were my sickness
that only your pain can cure
(rep hook)
FLOOD~
all the years of pain you put me through
how can you be surprised that i hate you
every chance at happiness life gave me
you stomped and pissed on till you made me
depressed enough to try to take my own life
So you told everyone my head wasn’t right
And I finally found the strength to fight
you resented me for my will to survive
so now, just to spite you, I stand here, alive
go back to hell the devil misses you
(repeat hook)
spoken as on an intercom
to the female humanoid being for whom this song was written- and you know who you are- Satan says you are to return to hell immediately… something about your contract expiring…
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blossom_art reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow! My Critique lies with how many goals/ratings/rankings you have chosen. That’s about it but i can also understand each one that you have added. You already have a talent that i don’t believe needs shaping, it is already shaped perfectly to fit YOUR voice and what it was that you found necessary to say. I think it would be awesome to have this published/recoreded. If you feel you can’t sing it copyright and find someone that can and will do it justice. I understand the Disturbed or Rage against the machine vibe to it. It could work that’s for sure, but at the same time it is a song which is so lyrically moving that i have a gut feeling you will cringe when i mention these as what i am thinking could work, anyways such as: Alice in Chains, Soul Asylum, Rob Zombie or Metallica. My reasoning behind this is the opposite to what you said in your reviewer notes: Having the lyrics screamed out to show the anger & the pain. I believe the lyrics on their own SCREAM the anger & the pain & don’t really need to have them screamed. IF they can be heard clearly, the listener will be more than likely to actually ‘HEAR’ & not just ‘LISTEN’ to your words and in turn really connect to what it is you have said. OVERALL: BRILLIANT
I really wish you the best & hope that you do not stop here. Hope using u believe using your credits on my comments were worthwhile.
Rachel
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BamaBelle reviewed Version 2 -
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You expressed your rage and hate very well. It would make a great heavy metal or hard rock song.
southernbaroque reviewed Version 2 -
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The sentiments here are clear and distinct, though I fear they are a bit one-dimensional. There has to be something else in this person besides hate. Regret, perhaps? Or sorrow? As a litany of hate, it works well, but hate cannot be the only thing.
Fattony reviewed Version 2 -
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true emotion produces the best lyrics. and that is exactly what you have here. I can feel all the anger and rage flowing from this piece. And I can relate to it also as someone who has never had an ounce of respect for my mother. You really start out with a powerful verse and build on that throughout. great flow—I definitely could hear the beat in my head. And I also enjoyed the spoken ending. It made me chuckle a little. Overall great job
Magesius reviewed Version 2 -
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I quite enjoyed the lyrics actually. There was really only one part I would change and I’ll tell you why.
Dreams in which I beat you
With the hateful things you’ve said
I watched you lay there dying
And at last I felt avenged
These few lines here make the singer sound more like a villain. The whole rest of the song is solid because it shows how the singer was the victim of a screwed up mother. It’s a thin line you have to walk when you are talking about this subject. In any case, I can see this song in a Staind type of style easily. Nice work overall.
CallmeJane reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, you might want to cut down on the criteria you have…some repeat. Second, I’m not sure what the donor did to you. You didn’t make it clear of how she did all of this to you. Did you go to meet her, and she said piss on it? Or something else? Might be interesting to know. I do think that they are all very heart felt lyrics. You got the point that you hate this person across well. Via the different referances of her going back to hell, and the torture she’s done to you coming back to bite her. What did you mean by I watched you lay there dying? In the beginning you gave the feel that the egg donor was already dying, then in the middle you changed to how her sins against you were gonna catch up with her, and then in the end you had hell calling for her. It was kinda confusing, but I liked it overall. I hope this helped you release some of your anger.
-Jane
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 2 -
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A lot of the rhymes in this are quite good. I especially like the rhyme at the end of the hook of “owner” and “donor.”
Instead of “So you told everyone my head wasn’t right,” I think that “So you told them all my head aint right” would flow with the rythm you’ve established better. Also, these lyrics have an angry tone to them, and usually a person who is angry will use less “academic” diction. Some informal language emphasizes this.
As I read the lines, I could easily make them follow a melody in my head. As lyrics they are very effective.
Maria reviewed Version 2 -
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This was very powerful! You poured out your emotion. You rhyme was very good. I can invision this as a song. I got a clear picture. You emotion, and expression had good balance. The tempo was good. This would be a dark piece, but it felt from the heart. It did not at all read like it was forced. I thought over all this was well written, and your concept was very clear. Very angry, but I have heard angry songs that worked very well. Good job on this piece. It made me want to give you a hug!!
campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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You had to write this. That’s fine. My advice is don’t publish it. If it’s true, then forgiveness of your mom is a gift to give yourself. Let it go. If this is fictional, then your mom is never going to understand it that way.
On the other hand, if you were to write a novel this might make a good character profile. It just seems too hatefully focused in its current form and publishing it this way won’t do anything to make your life better.
May peace be with you.
Msquared reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, that’s not direct at all! I hope it’s a heavy rock song and not a folk song! =] My honest opinion is that with such angry lyrics they would only work for something that’s heavy rock.
You might want to rework the lines
“the demons that have plagued me
Will find you one day
you cannot escape them
They will have their way”
because they don’t really fit rhythmically with the rest of the song. They run a few syllables short. And don’t take this personally, but the line “and your soul will be their buffet” is pretty cheesy. I think you could think of a better rhyme.
Well, all I have left to say is I hope you take a break from seeing your mother for a while!
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