Poetry / I Wait For You in the Stars

I like the idea behind this and it has great emotion you may want to look over your rhyme again it seems to get a little weak in some places also the last stanza I cant tell if you want to kill herself or what if thats what your going for then good if not you may want to look it over

When one wants to restate an old poetic theme fresh language is required; not old worn out themes.  The use of cliche in poetry is risky because it requires great skill to couch it in original language.  You have not done this. I suggest you read some great writers (Pulitzer Prize Winners) and read some “how to” books.  Perhaps you can get a class with a good teacher.  It takes a lot of work but perhaps you have enough passion to persist.

I think you have a very viable piece here but I feel like it needs some tweeking! You had this rhyme scheme going on through the first three stanzas then in the forth and fifth you lost it and that for the reader drew me away and made me think what happend. Now I know you were rhyming every other ending and I see that. It was more so that the words that proceeded the endings of your first three stanzas worked. It felt as though the words preceeding the endings of your forth and fifth stanzas were forced. Felt like there was some difficulty for you in closing this piece. Not sure how long it took you to write it but there is nothing wrong with leaving something undone and coming back to it later. Overall you do have talent and the message was clear. Thankyou for sharing

this is good, i would just try to insert some commas in a few places to let readers know when to pause.

thanks for sharing, keep writing!

january =]

VERY nice. I can’t find much wrong about it. It has rhyme, a rythm, and a pattern. The words are simple but elegant.

My only reccomendation is punctuation at the ends where required.

This poem has potential but it suggests a lack of experience in writing. The focal point is concern for someone outside the speaker which is rare in poetry but is done fairly well. I think that the shift in the speaker’s benevolence to a violent suggestion of suicide is really dark as a true defeat of pain and end to suffering is learning to overcome it and not simply escaping it.

Very well written and full of feeling.  It encaptured me into a world of torment and longing. Excellent use of imagery and obviously from the heart. Enjoyable read, thank you

I think this is brilliant. Clear and emotional, the flow is perfect and it holds a very strong message. I’d love to find this in a book/anthology

This poem is great, I really feel the emotion and the strength of the words being said, because I feel exactly the same way about the person you’re speaking to.

A very Unique point of view to write from, the decease’s point. It must be hard for them to watch the ones that they leave behind struggle. But you captured more then likely what countless have seen