Nope, not much more I could add without losing the purpose of the scene. Just two crazy men who should never had met in the first place. The mood was painted to leave one “hanging”. I couldn’t leave this in the privvies of my mind. Thanks for peeping.
Humor/Satire / THE MEDICINE MEN
“Boy, you really had me going there for a minute. It took me a month to track you down. I almost—“ The large man slid forward in his seat, practically towering over the much smaller man. He laughed and a thin white paste of saliva oozed from each corner of his mouth. His powerful arms flew up and his face suddenly appeared deadly serious. “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop looking all around. Forget about these people. Look at me, will you? Am I being too loud for you?”
The small man’s head ducked slightly down and his upper torso pivoted one inch to the side. A wad of the other man’s spit dripped down the little man’s cheek, but he didn’t dare wipe. His mouth opened cautiously. “Maybe a teensy little bit.”
“Look, man. We don’t have to meet like this. I invited you to lunch because I figure you’re not eating right. Thought I was doing you a favor. Just look at you. What are you? Five foot ten—a hundred eighty pounds? Cooped up all alone in that motorhome. You’re starving to death. I’m trying to help you. I have a wife, you know. And, boy, let me tell you. She wasn’t all for me having you around again. Said you’re just like me twelve years ago before my medicine. Running my big mouth and babbling on and on. About nothing, of course, mind you. But that was me then. Just look at me now. Boy, you can’t find a smoother tongue. A more balanced brain. No sireee. I’m right up there with the best of them. Almost lost the wife for a while. But then I started my medicine and I can tell she’s just tickled to death to be around me. Yeah, we had some moments. But that was all her. Sometimes I think it was her made me this way. And she does real fine now. Takes all the overtime she can get. Always gone. Has her own bedroom, too. Gets up early. Goes to bed early. Ain’t that something? You betcha. We got us a great relationship. Folks envy us, you know. That’s why we don’t have any friends. Use to move around the country a lot. Because of her. She’s not a people’s person like I am. Man, I’ll tell you something. When I pull that engine out of that truck and get that new one in there, gonna be running sooo sweet. I tell you about that old Chevy we had? No, I think it was when I was still single. Boy, I was a real catch then. I’m gonna put me a new water heater in the house—right over there. Knock that wall down if I have to. Tear it down. Build it back up. Got me a fine set of hands here. You don’t wanna go against these babies. Fix any dang thing. Gonna be perkin then. I hunt, you know. I tell you about the time that grizzly had me cornered way out in the—Hey, you don’t talk much, do you?”
“Well, I was sorta—“
“WILL YOU LET ME FINISH!”
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streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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“And, boy, let me tell you. She wasn’t all for me having you around again.” – should be one sentence joined by a comma…
“Running my big mouth and babbling on and on. About nothing, of course, mind you.” – same as above
i really enjoyed reading this piece… you’ve captured wonderfully what interacting with a mentally ill person can be like… you’ve captured many of the mannerisms along with how egocentric a mentally ill’s point of view can often be… i’ve had many converstaions with people very much like this one… very well done…
the last line is perfect…
i don’t know if this piece is more educational rather than amusing, but nonetheless i enoyed it very much… keep writing!
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now_collapse reviewed Version 1 -
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It was written well, but it seemed like it went nowhere. It might work if it was part of a bigger piece, but on its own it’s not very effective. Keep working on it and maybe expand it a bit. :)
Water_Singer reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this, though it doesn’t seem to be humour so much as a sad reality. The end feels very abrupt and unfinished and, while I understand that this is “what really happened”, I wonder if there might be more you could add to it to make it seem more complete.
CapnBlueballs reviewed Version 1 -
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Would have been lost without your extensive reviewers notes. I come from a small town and can identify with your delimma. Well written piece. Lots of fragment sentences but that’s the way he talks, right? You reall conveyed a sense of being trapped by someone we don’t wish to see and are unable to get away from. Nice job.
lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked your dialog and how you released a story full of information through basically one guy talking. youve also revealed a lot about the character through the way he talks. as for the humor, i wouldnt necessarily call this funny but its entertaining.
TrevorSamuels reviewed Version 1 -
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LOL, thanks for the laugh, I needed that! I guess it isn’t so funny when you’re on the other side. As for the writing, I wouldn’t change a thing, it works as is.
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