Thank you blueeyes,
and I write for the same reason.
I write around inspiration or when I have nothing to do.
Poetry / Daddy, Lies I've Made (Analysis)
How could I tell you?
What was I supposed to say?
I wasn’t sure how to break the ice.
I wanted it to be said in the nicest way.
My love for you is great,
But it just won’t work.
I’m so sorry Dad,
I’m leaving your turf.
I can’t stay,
And it’s not my fault.
I wish things were different,
But this is what you brought.
All I ever wanted was for you to care.
I wanted you to prove it.
I’d spill my heart out,
Just for you to admit.
Why weren’t you there,
When I needed you the most?
I’ve cried a million tears,
I’ve cried my whole past a ghost.
I loved you,
And I still do.
But why couldn’t you show,
When I pleaded for you
My life’s been hell,
And you’ve done nothing but hide.
Is she more than me?
Don’t lie.
I’m ready to walk away,
And please don’t stop me.
You’ve made your mistake.
Now it’s time to pay your fee.
Only if things weren’t this way,
We could’ve been good friends.
But you treat me like a girl,
And I am a woman.
If she means so much,
This won’t hurt as bad.
I was just hoping you would’ve realized,
I hate her so and it makes me sad.
You should have spoken,
Or at least backed me up.
But it’s too late,
You overflowed the cup.
Daddy,
I’m still your little girl.
But Daddy’s little girl,
Must do what she must.
Life is too short,
To wipe away things and let it fade into the dust.
Sorry,
Sorry I’ve done.
I’m sorry I’ve done ,
What I had to.
Just let her know,
She has won.
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snowflakesofwarmth reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this line: Life is too short,
To wipe away things and let it fade into the dust.
Great job! This poem successfully shows emotion and tells a story.
You have great talent and potential and you will continue to grow and improve.
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black_butterfly reviewed Version 1 -
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Im assuming that the she in question is a stepmother figure and if so than this, besides being good, will appeal to a wide audience because this sort of scenario is becoming more and more common today. I liked it very much. The only criticism I have to give is that, for being a rhyming poem, the verses don;t all have the same meter, or the same flow. In the future I’d work on that. But otherwise, keep it up!
LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt the adolescent pain of a child ignored by the father over the love of a woman who is not the mother. However, the rhythm is choppy and you seemed to stretch to find words to rhyme. I feel this needs to be fleshed out with examples of choices or issues that happened and also more about the feelings. This conveys hurt and anger but very superficially.
SinnerASaint reviewed Version 1 -
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It is nearly perfect. Your writing way beyond your years. The lines are taboo and racey but they still strike a chord. I see you have talent, but I have read some of your other works as well and I find myself wanting to read something by you that is not so depressing. You have the ability and I would love to see it happen.
Frendly_Bubbles reviewed Version 1 -
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This very powerful. I like the style that you have done this in. I also like how you have used questions in your poem.
The whole poem is very effective in conveying your message, I really like it. Your subject is saddening but thats ok because I have read a number of literature pieces that are saddening. I also like your confidence in yourself, this is a good thing, for a number of people your age and up have no confidence in self.
I like this statement for this reason.
‘Only if things weren’t this way,
We could’ve been good friends.
But you treat me like a girl,
And I am a woman.’
Keep up the great work and I hope your days are filled with happiness.
Yours Sincerely, Frendly_Bubbles :)
Big_D reviewed Version 1 -
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A very sad and powerful reality. The rhyme seems forced in places throughout the poem. It’s a great story/theme. The difficulty kids have to face resulting from the actions of parents and how it affects their relationship. A good start. Keep at it.
meowby reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this! It’s very good for someone so young! The only line I would change is this: And you’ve done nothing but hide. I would take off the ‘And’ so it reads: You’ve done nothing but hide. Otherwise it’s very moving and heartfelt!
Good luck!
CAT
blueeyes reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, this is a painful poem, it has whispers of the whole wicked stepmother scenario going on. I do have to say, I am ver impressed reading this that you are only 13, very talented. And I don’t know why you write, but for me it’s the absolute best way to vent and get my feelings out.
UncleHarry reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a sad piece, but good. Is this about u?I thought this was like jealousy, and anger. GOOD POEM.
Naushad reviewed Version 1 -
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How painful to read your poem. But your pain will become a great strength to carry you to the heights of success. Few or none will ever come near you in merit. You’ll be number one. God bless you and protect you and give you everything you ever desired, even the company of Daddy.
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