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Novel Treatments / MAN OVERBOARD: Synopsis
Sometimes an inconceivable scheme claims the life of a normal person. Todd, a mixed White and Puerto Rican eighteen-year-old H.S. graduate, sees an ad on a grocery bulletin seeking unattached, energetic personnel who would love to travel while distributing flyers. He passes an in-depth unorthodox interview along with a complete physical, consents to later have company profile pictures taken, and then joins a two-van group the next morning that relocates an hour from his home. He marvels at the efficiency of a dozen coworkers, and curiously observes several big men of various nationality wearing sunglasses and pleasant smiles whose sole purpose seem to be monitoring the others. He’s told that phone calls are prohibited during working hours, including lunch and breaks. He’s assigned a hotel room with a White coworker and is allowed to use the phone briefly. After a round of generic chit-chat to home a monitor pops in, instructs them it’s lights out, even though it’s early, and no T.V. or talking. Hours later he awakens to distant screams that appear to be coming from across the hotel courtyard. During this time his roommate snores. Early next morning a monitor wakes him, his roommate is already gone, and he joins half a dozen others in the white passenger van. He sits next to, but two feet away from, an attractive black girl with stunning green eyes and wishes he wasn’t so shy. She was smiling at Todd, but he quickly forgot about her because the driver kept staring at him in the mirror. During lunch in a fast food lobby he sits with the others and tries striking a conversation. Nothing. He gets frustrated, raises his voice, pleading for their response. A monitor approaches with a disarming smile and explains that none of these workers speak English. In fact, seven workers—seven different languages. At the end of the shift Todd requests a meeting with the boss. He’s summoned to one of the vans and an authoritative figure tackles his two questions. Due to an outstanding distribution performance Todd’s roommate had been granted a transfer to a city of his choice. It was also pointed out that the screams from last night were privileged employees playing at the pool. With Todd satisfied, the man switches the conversation to money, bonus incentives, and seeds were planted of exotic cities. He returns to his room where a surprised Latino teen springs out of bed, grabs a shirt from a nearby chair, and darts into the bathroom. Not before Todd catches a glimpse of the scars across his back. They appear to have been made by a whip. A minute later a shiny face peeps out the bathroom and the boy tiptoes back to bed. He slides his small frame under the blanket, his huge dark eyes quietly studying Todd. His lack of English is apparent in his stare and the lights went off mutually early. Late at night the screams came again and Todd had already decided what to do. His clothes and shoes were ready. And so was the foot of fate. A crack in the curtains revealed a monitor standing almost directly across the courtyard from his room. Additionally, Todd spotted the shadow of someone else protruding from his side of the building. Likely another monitor. Bed was now his only choice. He would deal with his sickening thoughts in the morning. Barely sleep and the phone is ringing. Someone had ordered a wakeup call for the crack of dawn. Early start today. The van would be picking them up in half an hour. His new roommate was up in a flash, waving a hand every few seconds and looking cheerful. Together they walk across the grass courtyard, through a narrow concrete corridor, and out onto the asphalt lot. Todd suddenly clicks two fingers, motions for the kid to go on ahead, holding his stomach as though he has to use the toilet. He slips to the front desk, inquires about the pool, and is informed it hasn’t been open for two months. On the job site he catches a glimpse of a white van cruising past, its only passenger that attractive black girl, and with eyes wide-open her lips were trying desperately to tell him something. Intuition said he would never see her again. At lunch he suggests a couple tables near the front counter, pulls the bathroom routine again, ducks out a rear exit, and dashes to a pre-selected pay phone. He calls his family and convinces his older brother that something is definitely wrong. He wants out. A rescue mission is planned for tonight because the company is relocating in the morning. Todd has no idea where the next stop is scheduled. At precisely ten o’clock a set of high beams flash twice through the curtains. Todd yanks opens the door, leaving all his belongings behind, hauls across the yard, and sprints down the concrete corridor. He dives into the cargo space of his brother’s van and they barely escape the two pursuing monitors. The two brothers and a friend spend the night trying to determine if they should involve the police, even though no crime has been committed. Next day they check the grocery bulletin and the ad is gone. Todd remembers that he had originally jotted the number on his hand, but now the ink had faded. They ask if he had noted any license plates. He hadn’t. They find a duplicate ad in the Sunday paper. In spite of knowing they can’t risk sending anyone else they unanimously decide to make the call. The number has been disconnected. Monday Todd discovers a deposit has been made into his bank account for the exact amount the company owes him. As he walks away from the double bank doors he observes a white passenger van cruising across the parking lot. It turns towards him. No passengers. The driver is huge and is wearing sunglasses. Todd stands frozen at the crest of the curb while the van stops less than ten feet away. The driver slowly dismounts wearing a pleasant smile and a hand grabs the back of Todd’s shoulder. The driver rushes around to the passenger side, swings open both halves of the cargo door, and leans against the van with his arms folded across his chest. Todd slowly turns around, faces an elderly woman, and then gradually sighs with relief. As he watches the small church group board the van he instantly feels sick. He runs toward home, earnestly praying that he is somehow wrong about an underground slave racket.
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This is an interesting story, but structurally it does not measure up.
First of all, there are no paragraphs. You have to break it up to make it more readable.
You say you are aware of changes in tenses. The changes in tenses are, in fact, very disturbing to the flow.
Note in your introduction: correct spelling of “bizarre,” not that it matters to the piece, I just thought you might be interested.
You capitalize White and Puerto Rican but not Black.
Barely sleep and the phone is ringing would be better to say “He has barely slept, and the phone is ringing.”
You should leave out the word “Additionally…” and say “Todd has spotted the shadow…” and have everything in this tense.
“someone else protruding”? ”Protruding” is a poor choice of words.
“Someone has ordered a wake-up call” Keep everything in this tense (present progressive).
Because the story is interesting, if you could clean it up grammatically, it might be good.
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