Thank you Lynn. If you want to read some more, take a quick peek at www.billallerton.co.uk
I know you will think me a shameless self-publicist but if I don’t do it, who else will?
Thanks again for your review, and being young doesn’t make you stupid.
Being old doesn’t make you intelligent either!
Regards,
Bill.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / You must be as Gods
The man sat by the edge of the dune, digging his boots into the sand and trying
for one last time to feel a part of the earth, but finding himself slipping away. He lay
back, relaxed, allowing the night wind to tousle his hair; the air to condense cold and
pale upon the silver suit. The night itself was quiet, except for the wind keening sand
across the margin, rustling the drying kelp, and beneath it all the indecent lap, lap, lap
of waves careless upon the shingle.
He fastened the neck seal of the suit and leaned forward into a sleeping
wakefulness in which the waiting night poked and prodded him with its
almost-silences. Giving up his thoughts of tomorrow, he rose to his feet. Within a
hundred steps he came once more to the place where the whale lay dark and
fathomless across the strand. He sat down in its lee to clear his head and think. A
sudden swell rushed salt water into the shallow moat that foamed around the whale,
washing the sand from it’s silver belly.
He leaned against its night-black hide and uncorked the bottle from his pocket.
He put it down beside him in the sand and listened to the wind. From deep inside the
whale came dark, hollow, subcutaneous rumblings, as the gentle hand of the sea that
had supported it drained away, leaving it to fall into ruin.
From it’s blow-hole there issued a fine pink mist as the ruptured lungs fought
to lift and lift again. A trail of pink foam chased the drying starlight down the whale’s
flank and dripped from the edge of a fin into the bottle. In the darkness, the man raised
it to his lips and drank. He closed his eyes and dipped momentarily into sleep.
Seconds later he awoke, his baleen dry and empty of krill, his body wracked by
pain, his lungs incandescent with agony.
He screamed into the night and heard it rattle and fray amongst the shingle
until it was lost.
As the scream subsided he felt the first touch within his mind.
The touch was cold at first, then spread like liquid fire until his whole mind
was occupied, deep and cavernous. The man felt his thoughts echo and skitter like
sombre forgotten, fallen leaves. He scurried them fearfully into a corner and waited.
A voice exploded within him, seeking him, pressing him until there was
nowhere to hide,
” So… you are Man.”
The voice fell silent for a moment, though the pain remained.
Then,
” I feel your mind within my own,” it said, ” Why is there so much pain?”
The man gathered his thoughts around him. From deep within them he waited
for the sun to rise, for the pain-wracked nightmare to end.
Within the whale a section of lung groaned into ruin.
The man screamed.
” So much pain. ” said the voice, ” Why must you dwell upon it?”
Slowly, the man absorbed his own disbelief, learned to push aside the pain,
then,
” Because I am a man.” he said, ” Who.. what, are you?”
The voice was softer now, as if remembering a thing of great pride,
” I am…......”
And the mans mind was filled with the sense of a rushing darkness, cloaking
his skin with intimate and turbulent caresses as he plunged deep, deep and deeper still
until he felt his whole being crushed beneath uncountable fathoms. A change came.
Now, barrelling upwards, through bright phosphorescence, breaking out into stars and
warm airs before falling, falling… failing to become one more star.
The man found that he was shaking. His mind filled with pride, frustration and
fear.
The voice returned,
” Who.. what, are you?” said the whale.
” I am….....” said the man, and filled his mind with the image of a mighty
tower, pencilling tomorrows sky like a silver-bellied whale, its motors pressing down
against the air, pressing down against the sea, taking with it a gentler hand, up to the
place where stars were strewn like grains of salt.
” Why do you seek the stars? ” said the whale.
The man plucked at a loose thought,
” We are Stardust, ” he said, remembering an old song,
” We are Golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden.”
” When you were cast out,” said the whale, ” you took the star salt with you.”
” It’s a long time ago, ” said the man, ” I don’t remember.”
” We remember.” said the whale, and suddenly the man became aware of the
sea around him. Not just as water, but as a fluid link through every living thing
immersed in its cooling stream, and all things in it remembering; their memories
flooding the globe, diverted here by a sunken range, there by winds and warm gulf,
cold ice flows.
” Does nothing ever die? ” asked the man.
” Oh, there are many ways to die. ” said the Whale, ” Perhaps as many as there
are men. But the sea remembers. Watch…. ”
And in the stillness of a mind’s eye, the man saw himself, stumped, stunted
and shapeless, pushed out of the sea by a desire for the stars, falling in myriad
numbers before learning to stand and each one carrying the sea in his blood and
finding that he was barely closer than he had ever been and yet still they climbed, each
upon the other until now, now they were on the brink, and still the salt sea was in their
taste.
” Dear Gods, ” said the man, ” How dry we must seem… and how alone.”
The whale’s voice was quieter now, quizzical and halting,
” Show me that which you would call God.”
The man opened his mind to let the vastness of the concept flood through into
the space they shared, and found nothing more than a small belief.
” So little, ” he said, ” and yet….so much. ”
He fell into silent thought.
The whale waited, patiently allowing the man to surface along with his
thoughts until,
” Gods are the vastness of all things.” said the man, ” I am in their image but
cast free to become whatever I may.”
And in the sharing of their mind’s eye he stood naked, arms spread wide and
spanning space across into infinity.
The whale shuddered in internal displacement,
” Then perhaps there is room for many Gods. Perhaps as many as there are
men? ”
” There is but one God, ” said the man, ” but many beliefs. That is my belief.”
He spoke into the night’s darkness,
” And what is your belief?”
The voice returned, rushing from the furthermost places of the sea,
” We believe in that which we know. And the stars.”
” I too believe in the stars.” said the man, ” Tomorrow we reach out for them,
and with the help of God will take them for ourselves unto eternity.”
” Then you must be as Gods,” said the whale, ” to walk amongst the stars.”
” Perhaps we are. ” said the man, ” Dry, lonely Gods.”
” And will your gods take pride in this achievement? ” said the whale.
The man considered this, then,
” We may never know.” he said,
” When we pushed you out,” said the whale, ” we knew what you must one day
become, though we did not understand there would be such isolation. We knew only
that one day you would stand like a mighty tower and reach out and take the stars, but
we never thought of the pain that would be its foundation. Man, in our passion we
have failed you. And in return you will give us our ultimate triumph. The stars.”
” It is we who seek the stars.” said the man.
” That is right.” said the whale, ” It is we who seek the stars. It is time to come
back to the Garden.”
The man looked down and saw a tower of flame beneath him, stretching back
down into the sea, down through coral, kelp and reef and into the past where the sea
had pushed him from its womb to stand alone up here, and with just a handful of salt
with which to remember, to reach out and up, to where the stars twinkled like
ever-falling tears.
” In all our lives,” he said, ” In all our search for the promise of what we may
become, we never thought to look beneath us.”
” Then… you must be as Gods.” said the whale.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
HeavensAngel78 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 20% of the Item
I think it is very great
- add/view comments (0)
Lynn_Riley reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Powerfull, although I’m not completely sure I got it. (Young & stupid & all that.) It was beautifully written, with no grammatical or spelling errors that I could find. I look forward to more of your work
1Nevermind1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Brilliantly detailed descriptions, conjures really vivid images of what’s going on. However, it was a little hard to follow, so sometimes I didn’t quite know what was going on. The vocabulary was really impressive, and really interesting ideas. I think it was purposeful that your speech marks were a little funny, the wrong way round then a space…
” And will your gods take pride in this achievement? ” said the whale.
Sort of thing, but I think that was because of the space. Very very good anyway. :)
quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice piece of writing. The work felt very abstract and removed from time and place. The man seems to stand as a metaphor for humanity. I enjoyed the mind link. I didn’t understand the significance of the bottle.
The way you charted mans past down into the seas and his ultimate future among the stars gives the piece epic scope. Although I felt a lack of affinity with the central character as the piece was so large in concept. The dying whale actually provoked my sympathy.
i really liked some of the writing :
down into the sea, down through coral, kelp and reef
The man looked down and saw a tower of flame beneath him, stretching back
Maybe if the man was to die too when the mindlink ended that would give the reader more empathy. Nice piece tho.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The opening paragraph is written well in terms of description, but it’s also almost…poetic. I suspect that people will criticize this, but I think it’s great.
“a sleeping
wakefulness” Hmmm… I’d consider rewording this.
”...almost-silences…” Perhaps “whispers” would be more succinct.
”...tomorrows…” – tomorrow’s
As you pointed out, there is a lot of philosophy going on in this piece. I see the theme of environmental stewardship here. This is evident in the first sentence. The foray into God as the supreme being and Man the imperfect image of this is consistent with many beliefs. I also like how you avoid beating the reader over the head with ham-fisted ideas. The sort of dreaminess you distill in the piece with sometimes abstract, yet identifiable descriptions, i.e. “in the stillness of a mind’s eye” make this very readable.
It seems that the whale embodies the philosophy of science – “We believe in that which we know.” And in my interpretation, the whale is telling the man that science eventually displaced belief in a higher power, so therefore, man inherits the stars – Colonizing space. But the man is re-affirming his belief in God. The allusion between the stars and heaven is subtle.
This is a great piece. I really enjoyed reading and thinking about it. Thanks for sharing.
-Curt
trampledpixie reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I truly enjoyed reading this. It has a definite element of surreality that transports the reader into a dreamlike state (much as the Man), and the imagery is strong and beautifully described.
The one bit that holds this piece back from its fullest potential is the ambiguity in the dialogue. I reread parts to make sure that it wasn’t just me not catching something, but there are places where it is difficult to determine who the speaker is, primarily due to untraditional line breaks.
~~~~
”Why do you seek the stars?” said the whale.
The man plucked at a loose thought,
”We are Stardust,” he said, remembering an old song,
”We are Golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the Garden.”
”When you were cast out,” said the whale, ”you took the star salt with you.”
~~~~
I read that initially as: Line one – Whale, Line two – Man, Line three – Man, Line four – Whale…then went back when Line five was the Whale, too, as it didn’t make any sense with the rest. It was only just now after copy/pasting that I noticed the commas. However, this certainly doesn’t dull my experience reading this! I got confused…I got over it! :)
Louminator reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
What a delectable piece! I find myself dwelling on the possible meanings and secret messages long after I’ve finished reading the last sentence. The test of time has been withstood for this one, and I suppose this genre is as good a place as any when the setting is ‘inside the mind of a whale’.
I’m not going to point out any percieved flaws or weaknesses in this writing for you. I can recognize every deliberate pick and use of words that collectively constitute your own style of writing, and that is a delicate and difficult thing to obtain. I am curious, however, to know how old this piece is, and looking at it now, would you be compelled to write any part of it differently today?
One more thing: “A mighty tower, pencilling tomorrow’s sky”? I’m not even 100% certain that ‘pencilling’ is a proper word (it probably is, I’ve just never seen it used!), but there is no better word you can use to perfectly paint an image of high-rising towers against a sky, while simultaneously describing an action. That is efficiency of word usage at its finest!
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“sleeping wakefulness” is a description that contradicts itself and makes little sense.
You write that the man’s “whole mind was occupied, deep and cavernous.” Again, this seems to contradict itself; “cavernous” implies emptiness, or not being occupied.
Other than these descriptions, your writing does have a beauty to it, but often times lacks specificity, as though you’re trying to describe concepts that are to large for you (and thus your characters) to really grasp.
I also didn’t really understand the end when the protagonist saw a “tower of flame” in the water. Was it the reflection of a rocket launching?
I wouldn’t be too concerned about what genre you label a piece with. A short story is a short story, regardless of its content.
bdfielding reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This harkens back to the grand old days of Bradbury. It has that dreamy quality of old sci-fi when it was about the ideas and not the weapons or technology. I’d love to run up my credits with lots of advice but I have none to give. It was a beautiful piece that, unfortunately, todays readers would run from in droves.
If you have more, may I suggest(beg) you put up a site, or join a self publishing site. That’s where your readers will be found, in the ether. Those who grew up on this stuff and now live in demographic limbo.
Thanks for the opportunity to remember what it use to be like.
MaximumCarnage reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very interesting, I liked it quite a bit. I like the tone of the whale. I also like the take that the Garden is actually the ocean.
Showing 1 - 10 of 20
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
20 Reviews 19 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 635 Times
Skipped: 12 Times
Ratings & Rankings
