Lyrics / Jaded (Analysis)

hi there,

this is a song alot of people can relate to which is good, a littlemore clarity would make it better, but i like it, i luv the lines, fly like a bird of the winds of the sea/and “I’M YOUR WARDEN”...very orginal but relateable.the ryhmes jaded /degraded/and created work and flow well together also…in general,,nice job,,jim

10’s through and through.I loved it and will add it to my fav’s. To have written this must have come from a very deep place. It is emotive and personal. You should be sendind this to absolutely anyone that can help you. (unfortunaltey I have no idea where!)I write poety not lyrics but have been told that some of my poems could be lyrics. My favourite line is: Leave your luggage in the past, come and look to the future with me. I think in one line that just says so much. I think also b/c I can relate to it I enjoyed this – not to say that if i couldn’t that i would not find it so awesome. Luckily despite the baggage in my case the relationship is still holding together well.
Good luck with this you deserve recognition for this work.
Rachel

It sounds like an up lifting song, the world could use more

   To begin, you have me at a disadvantage; I can’t write lyrics to save my life, so it is difficult for me to make suggestions, especially without hearing music behind them.  If I am understanding it correctly, you do a good job of describing the act of letting go of someone loved, choosing the other’s happiness over the speaker’s own.
    Here are a few changes I might suggest, just for rhythm & flow:

“leave your luggage in the past, and walk through life with me”

“fly like a bird through the wind off the sea”

“Now you’ve been misbehavin’
Takin’ me for granted
Now I am your warden, no more your ecstasy”(which somewhat matches with wind off the sea)

The verse “Show you what my love can do to your heart – set it free” is a bit over-used and predictable, it takes away from the “real” somber picture you seem to be capturing in the rest of the lyrics.  I’m not sure what I’d suggest you replace it with though….

Also, is the speaker “so happy that you’re happy?...”
If there’s a way to make it feel a little more bitter and sarcastic, it would definitely make a powerful ending refrain for the song.

Anyway, I hope this helps, and let me know when there’s another version to read through :)

I love the adjectives in the chorus!
The changes in each verse are well worded, and i love how you actually have the change in the bridge.

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April 25, 2008

by vampyrchik

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
29	93.5% (31 votes)	16.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	Australia	May 17

Thankyou for your kind words. I’m glad you liked it!

April 25, 2008

by vampyrchik

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
29	93.5% (31 votes)	16.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	Australia	May 17

Thankyou for your kind words. I’m glad you liked it!

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I am in no way a professional but your lyrics had a nice ring to them.  I could definitly see them going to a song.

This is a good song.  I was the front man for a band trying to get out, but had to quit when work schedules here kept me from the practices, so I had my own music going as I re-read this.  There are no real changes I can suggest, because for me it is good as it stands.  Hope you have luck using this piece or selling it, whichever you choose.  Look forward to reading more of your work sometime.  Thanx for the opportunity.