Flash Fiction / Conchobhar, Devotee, Paramount (Analysis)

I really liked this one. It enables the reader to really visualize a scene even if it’s a projection of her own experience.  I like the awkwardness of the interaction and the expression of not being sure about the person in some way.

One thing I noticed is that the first paragraph seems a bit disconnected from the rest of the piece.  The transition to the rest is kind of jarring.

Another thing I noticed is there seemed to be a few “50 cent” words thrown in for spice that didn’t quite dissolve into the mixture. For example: “incorporeal” seemed un-necessary.  I feel the simplest way to say something is the best.

Overall I thought it was very good work and I would like to read more of what you write.

I would say ‘most certainly look lost’, because we don’t know how her eyes always look lost.  You’ve got to build that for us.  
‘Inch by inch, the forlorn expression’ you don’t need to say ‘revealed there, because you just explained you were taking your clothes off.   ‘jagged square of naked skin’ I don’t think is the best description.  It makes the skin sound torn.  I would use revealed here, instead.  ’each revealed square of naked skin’.  The ‘each’ will show how she specifically addresses attention to all the flesh being exposed.  
‘You once jolted’  I would add the once so it doesn’t feel like a slip in the tense of the piece.  Later, I would replace the once in the middle of the paragraph with ‘still find I cringe, every now and again, ‘
There’s a rapidness that makes this feel a bit unclear, as though the thoughts are tumbling over themselves.  
A melancholy hope permeates this piece.  I find it interesting and refreshing.
It feels more like an excerpt from a novel, than flash fiction.  Makes me wonder what moved you to write it.  

I like the overall movement of the piece from starting as an “incorporeal voice” to being very corporeal, worn out bodies. Nice description of your muse, a soul-connection with another person. At points, it seems like it’s the two of you against the rest of the world; you find strength and peace in one another. Well conveyed through your words!

It is certainly an atmospheric piece, but I agree with your statement – it works as pure prose, but not as fiction: there is no plot.
Some small issues: “we take heart in every single one refusing” should be ” heart FROM every single one”.
Some of your sentences are long, and can do with comma breaks. I find (and this is really only a personal observation, not a technical thing) that you seem to use a lot of words such as “fatuous”, which seems a bit over the top – why not just say “empty demands” ?

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May 18, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
82	88.6% (35 votes)	19.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	F	Germany	August 17

Thanks so much for your review.
It seems that people have varying degrees of perceiving a plot in this. In any case, I think this piece would be just as lost in the Short Story section as it is in this one.

As for your question about “to take heart in/from”: I have researched it and the version with “in” is far more common, so I am fairly certain I chose the right expression.

About those “big words”: you are not the first one to remark this, but I see it like this: words that are used a lot like your suggested “empty”, are simply that, empty. They carry no emotional meaning anymore, simply generalized meaning. So I try to avoid them, because there are so many great adjectives and verbs out there. I also think that literature of all mediums has the freedom to use some of these words, so it can break the mold of ordinary.
But I will duly check again, sometimes these big words can interrupt a flow.

And yes, my sentences tend to be too long. I will try harder to make them short in the future. (:

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As more of a character study writer myself, I absolutely loved the detail orientation of this story.  You’ve managed to make the story flow incredibly well, which is usually a hard thing to do with long sentences.  I particularly loved the description early in the piece that talks about the black looking eyes.  There were one or two places that broke the flow a little bit, like the sentence that starts with “Every person” might sound better like “We look into the eyes of every person that happens our way. . . ,” and, IMO, the very last bit might sound better not in quotes.  But that’s just me being nit-picky.  Overall, I loved it!

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May 13, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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82	88.6% (35 votes)	19.2%

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25	F	Germany	August 17

Thank you so much!
I am glad to find a like-minded writer who gets my approach to the story and doesn’t complain about the lack of traditional “plot”. (:
This definitely needs some twisting still, I agree with you about certain sentences that break the flow.

The last bit is in quotation marks because it is a quotation. Therefore I cannot remove the ” ”, that would be plagiarism. Amongst other things, I am a huge fan of intertextuality, so I frequently reference or quote other works, poems or songs. I always indicate this with the quotation marks, to make it easier for people to get the reference and to be within the rules that exist for these things.

But again, thanks for the review and encouraging words!

May 13, 2008

by A_Silly_Lady_Novelist

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16	84.4% (32 votes)	7.3%

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16	F	Newnan, GA	August 08

Oh, okay.  Cool.  I love quotes like that too; I’ve started posting like a few lines from a poem or something at the beginning of my stories.  Out of curiousity, who said that quote?

Oh, and I forgot to say this in my review, but I love your title!

May 14, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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82	88.6% (35 votes)	19.2%

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25	F	Germany	August 17

Ya know, I don’t really want to just flat out say where the quote comes from. It’s from lyrics, that’s all I’ll say. I’m sure if you Google it, you can find the source in no time. And then even the title might make a bit more sense. (;
Let me know if you can figure it out.

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For what it’s worth, flash fiction should have a plot also: a beginning, middle, and an unexpected end. And then I think it’s also worth saying that you have achieved this in this short piece. You have encapsulated the relationship between these two characters very well.

Proofreading notes:
starved for, it gives (comma splice. Remedy: use a colon here.)
from any one you allow = anyone
bodies, life has worn (another comma splice. Remedy: use a semicolon here to show that these sentences are closely related.)

This is a beautiful read: evocative, delicious and sensual. I’m new to flash fiction, so somewhat unsure how to rank the stats, but it left me wanting more, and wanting to know more about the characters and their situation.
Even so, it is powerful on a gutteral level.
lovely.

I have a feeling this is a past/former loved one whos impression upon you is so tangible, you can’t let them go. The only drawback I see here is that your sentence length kind of makes things muddled, and I lose interest in some parts. I love your word choice though- it makes things flow very nicely indeed.

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May 02, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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Thank you!

Yes, you are right, sentence length is always my weakness, they tend to be very long. I mean to work on it.
This wasn’t actually inspired by a love lost, but the fact that you read this into it is great.
I want people to make their own sense of my writing, that way it can mean something to a lot of people.
So I won’t divulge what it was actually about, it’s just way nicer to hear what people make of it. (:

Glad you liked it.

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This reminds me of a “stream of consciousness” from someone who just died.  Very descriptive in not only the situation at hand but the feelings and experiences as well.  I wonder if this isn’t part of a bigger piece, while it suits fine by itself, it seems like a springboard for something much bigger.

Good work.

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May 01, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
82	88.6% (35 votes)	19.2%

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Thank you so much! I am always glad when people see something in my writing.
A lot of the times people feel my fairly short pieces should or could be part of something bigger and I like it that way.
I almost never intend to make any of these pieces into something bigger, but the fact that people can dream up a bigger story around them assures me that I accomplished what I set out to.
All I want is for people to connect emotionally to what I write and use their own imagination and interpretation to make their own story out of it. That way I create not one but a countless amount of stories. (:

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what i found most striking in the piece is your ability to use this relationship as a conduit. even the characters see it as a conduit. the story is not about the relationship really, as indicated by lines like “transform us into gleaming beacons of hope,” and “contorted figures of a world that hasn’t found its place and is falling hopelessly behind” as well as the last line.
you did a great job mixing the reality of the scene with the underlying message. i would love to see more of this story, it seems like the methods of narrative you are using will become far more concrete with time. in such a short piece it is easy to read it quickly unaffected.
my only advice is to try to turn this into a bigger story, but definitely keep the balance between story and the ideology approaching the reality of the story.
good work