Thanks for the input. I purposely leave the meaning a little less defined because I wish the reader his or her own experience of what it means, I think this is an essential element of really goood poery and one of the biggest reasons I write. I also think if you read it several times (if it is a good piece)it should speak to you more on what it means and become stronger in your mind. I hope this happens for you, but I have read poets who create a lot more effectively than me, regarding this type of element, so I may still need to add a little more comcrete structure. Anyways, thanks, and I am glad you still liked it.
Poetry / A Story of a Divine Journey (Analysis)
Divinity
Ar-Rashid sits quietly across a table from me one night.
He spins a U.S. coin, round and round,
looks at me, lasers of night through lashes of day.
I dive deep into him, so far I cannot find my way out.
Years ago, on Him l spread my trust.
We carved deep on my back symbol of our journey.
That jagged and bloody knife then lay ominously on a stone pallet,
Awaiting its next cut.
Until a stranger with eyes of storms and sunrises,
picked it up and spun it,
letting it fall in its own direction, with a clang that rang out.
I pickle in a pool of waiting
Direction unknown, I wait for His release from this pathetic loveless place.
Dark cold waters smother scaly skin,
soak deeper into a spongy central heart.
In that dank cavern, drops of water voluntarily plunge to their destiny
unaware that their sacrifice makes the rhythm
for my dance of desperate desire.
A few shuttering moments of daylight He casually tosses to me,
but circumstance and consequence eat them up before I can.
I can hardly see Him at first, but He finds me, under a strobe and a beat.
A feline instantly jumps through a hoop in my stomach, transforms into a tiger.
My world opens up and finally digests the peels, leaving my core exposed, seeds pulsing.
He gently bends over, removes me from the pool.
Dripping, I hang on his frame, like an old forgotten rag doll.
Then, with new life I try to cling to every moment as it drifts just out of my reach.
My God of chiselled tip, firm blade and endless might,
Shall you point the way?
Or pierce an already fragile heart?
A glimpse of what could be creates a hundred year hunger in me.
The tiger walks around and around,
the coin spins.
I lay naked, now recklessly indifferent, succumbed to His Will .
I throw flesh on the stone. It slaps down hard.
One meaningless life slaughtered as a sacrifice to the indifferent. To be gone.
Just as the newborn child of Him screams radiantly up at me, his first admirer.
It calms as it lays on my chest, the warmest place on earth.
His coffee is gone, mine getting cold.
I get up and look at him, eye to eye, across the table,
“Ar- Rashid, I dare you to cut me again, as deep as you wish”
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Villarre_Leviathus reviewed Version 1 -
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Very unique, very descriptive, very creative. You write in a style that is truly refreshing. You jump from metaphor to metaphor with ease, a feat many can’t accomplish.
“My world opens up and finally digests the peels, leaving my core exposed, seeds pulsing.”
I love that line. It is BEAUTIFUL. It’s a brief, but elegant look on ‘opening your eyes’. “Seeds pulsing” really grabbed my heart and tugged on it. I also thoroughly enjoyed the ‘tiger’ reference. It created a fusion of several different emotions as I read on. This is a beautifully rendered poem.
At some points I was slightly confused and read the poem over, but what good piece of work doesn’t require us to think? The enitre poem rattled my brain until I actually THOUGHT. So many poems require no thought process these days. Yours is a refreshing dew along the desert path. A wonderful explosion of metaphor and diction. Great job.
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Cyna reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very interesting piece, however I did get lost a few times reading, and somethings felt retorical. I can feel the emotional depth this piece has.
shadow_words reviewed Version 1 -
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It moves almost like a story more than a poem, but i like it.
I wish it’s meaning was more clear, I would like to know some of the meanings behind the vivid imagry.
Over all, I love it. It’s dark, sad, erotic, mysterious and intrigueing all in a balanced way. Keep up the good work!!
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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“I pickle in a pool of waiting” - great sentence
nice job… very alluring words – almost mysterious…
you turn a good phrase… descriptive and poetic…
“A glimpse of what could be creates a hundred year hunger” – i love this line… so full of yearning and emptiness at the same time… well done…
this is a good piece of work… i think that this could be published… nice job… i look forward to reading more of your work…
the coin spins…
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, the first thing I have to say is I’m glad I read this piece. It is very well done. The flow is strong, imagery clear, the narrative honest. This is what poetry should look like.
S1: Reverse “One night,” to the beginning of L1, so it ends on “me”. Sharper focus on “me”, and location is established earlier. L4 is breathtaking – excellent imagery. I enjoyed the reference to he as “He” and “Him” as specific, personal noun, God.
S2: L2 [symbols], plural, sounds better. Good imagery.
S3: Love the pickling imagery, like stewing and suggests alcohol, night club, singles pool. Alliteration in L3 and 4 good. I’m not sure about [voluntarily], so far it feels like its uncontrollable or destined, so there are no choices, and the modifier weakens the verb [plunge]. Drop [voluntarily]. L7 alliteration nice, rolls pleasantly off the tongue. L8 [to be] I think can be cut, as it seems implied.
S4: I’d drop “like” in L5, to make it a metaphor, not a simile. I’d drop “try to” in L6, so the verb is “cling”. Cat metaphors work well here. The nightclub theme is stronger here. I’d consider [just beyond my fingers] for more visceral image than [just out of my reach].
S5: Reverse to remove [of], so [My chiseled-tipped God]. Drop conjunction [Or] for immediacy. Unorthodox but I’d consider a comma between “be” and “creates”, for it forms a pause to emphasize “could be”. Drop [in me] as implied, unless you’re focused on a sexual image. Love the chance allusion with the coin, repeated enough to make it clear.
S6: Here I would like to see stronger sacrificial imagery, since it’s a giving to God, the lover, earlier; but it does arise in L3. The rebirth image is powerful here.
S7: Ha ha! I loved this stanza! You are talented, tell an excellent narrative, and fill each line as full as it can be. That’s the way to write!
imara219 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this, is simply wonderful. I think you have a good balance and even though a sentence in the 3rd stanza is to long, I actually can not think of anything bad to critique. I see a lot of skill in this poem. Finally, a poem that understands you don’t have to rhyme to flow. I think you can publish this in either a lit magazine or in your own work.
Nightmares_Tickle reviewed Version 1 -
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I pickle in a pool of waiting <-nice.
I don’t know what to say about this piece beyond that it is nicely done. Just a warm swim amongst liquid images.
Mernard reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite like this piece. It is a very involving story and I like the atmosphere here. I would suggest condensing it down slightly.
adaria reviewed Version 1 -
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Incredible! It keeps you right to the end. I dare say I have never read anything like this before. I feel you have a unique approach and I would love to read more of your work!
MattGillespie reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful poem. I enjoyed this piece very much.
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