Poetry / Twilight

I love your stuff. And as I said, I will take the time to review it all.

I was wondering if the uncertainty of whether the night or day is breaking in the penultimate stanza is not an error, since you reveal the coming of the night with the ”...starved child [...] ravenous night…” stanza. You seem to have an excellent vocabulary and an impressive way of using it. This piece is really strong. Thank you for sharing it.

overall this was good. you feel the words, they go together well. jayne sterne(author of Destroyed )

Evocative and effective images.  I’m one of those people that like to know what’s going on in the background, have some biographical details about the poet, even though such information can be misleading and have nothing to do with the poem itself.
  Is it the ‘lies and illusions’ that are the ‘lily tide’?  The poem hangs together verbally, but this connection makes the whole thing take up a deeper resonance for me.  The lies and illusion become a faustian temptation, washing against you and calling you.  Then the lies become raven-like, feeding on what?  Minds?  Hopes & Dreams?
  Poems do not need a final point, but I’m wondering if at the end you are coming to a final resolution of some conflict between a desire to see th truth, and the distorting effect of the illusions & lies that we deal with in the world?

To cut a long story short, I liked it.  Though I do think it seems like the start of a much longer poem.  As a short piece it is alright, but it introduces many themes and ideas that could be explored further.  As the intro to a longer piece, this is fantastic, as it sets up so much.

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April 16, 2008

by apple_scruff1964

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Thank you. As far as background info for this, I was in a very difficult situation with my family and really coming to understand who I was as a person. I wanted to cut through the misconceptions and ideas of who I was, and what the world was for me, and get to the heart of the matter, so yes, “milky lies/illusions” = “lily tide”, and they are the birds that prey on the mind.

I feel the ending is a little weak, and originally I had intended a longer poem, but as it wore on I lost sight of how I wanted it to turn out.

April 16, 2008

by Seunbabs

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Just had another look at it.  The last five lines have an elemental quality to them.  You mention the moon, the sun, fire, silk, twilight and shadows.  Perhaps you could use the idea of elements as a way of continuing or finishing the poem.
  It is impossible to measure the amount of influence that family has on our lives.  Like the sun and moon, they exist, even when we take them for granted or do not realise that they are there.
  

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This was quite impressive in spite of no punctuation.  I did have to read it a couple of times.  There were several ackward transitions like line 21 for example..perhaps it is all those  words with s’s that made it stumble.  The last two lines need a little work, they are a little overdone. The content, however shines past all those minor glitches, but I do not think it would be considered publishable in its present form.

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April 16, 2008

by apple_scruff1964

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Thanks, I had been trying a few different things with punctuation, and wanted to explore how ideas can be interpreted without concrete forms of separation. I did have some trouble with the last couple of lines when I originally wrote this, but now I think I’ll rework them.

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