Poetry / Page Seven, solipsism and Marriage

This is very interesting.  You have alternated statements and questions in an effective way.

Technically, I can find no flaw.

Perhaps more than just one man and woman, and/or sex- perhaps the never ending battle of the sexes?

And as yours is not the only reality (solipsism), could you write two more?  One from the woman’s reality, and one with a bird’s eye view?  It would make a fantastic trilogy.

I want more, that’s how much I liked it.

Bibelot

Is this four different poems or just one. If it is four than it great. If it one than i am confused.

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April 17, 2008

by Brien_James_Dawson

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
397	70.2% (141 votes)	28.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	Saint Augustine, FL	September 12

you are on to something, my friend. Something I have always been too high to see. oh the joy of fresh eyes.

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I like the fact that there’s an unanswered question, and the general flow of the piece. Leaves pause for thought. I did enjoy this.

mm.. not my favorite. i think it could use some work, but thats just me.  it seems choppy, and does not flow right from stanza to stanza.

Very, very nice.  I love your imagery, especially in the third stanza.  I get lost with all the pronouns though.  Line 5 is confusing because you set us up with the word “butterflies” for there to be multiple subjects, but there’s just one.  And who is this “you” in this stanza?  I thought this was a poem about the narrator and the woman?  Take out the “you” because you really don’t need it.  Although I like the statement, question, statement, question pattern of the poem, the more I read it, the more I wonder whether you need that paragraph at all.  It seems weird compared to the rest of the poem, out of place.  I like the bedroom-battle theme and this thing with the butterflies kinda comes out of nowhere.  Maybe some more share-cropping or war imagery would make it more cohesive to the rest of the poem.  You could also try taking out the “a” before “serf.”  Overall, I think this is an excellent poem and a little bit of tweaking would make it very publishable.

ummm..this is quite interesting. I interpreted as she is well off, and the man, which is you, is compared to a servant. She fell for the potential in the beginning, and just because you won over her heart doesn’t mean you can keep it there if you don’t continue to win over her desires due to her status. So the man that has won her over must continue to win her over by fighting for her.

—A little more description is needed. It leaves a lot of room to interpret so many ways. If you want the reader to actually get what you are trying to say without leaving soo much room for imagination, then I say there should be more description. I like it due to the fact, that I like to use my imagination, but to a critic that may not fly.

Keep up the good work!