Stage Play / Bloody Memory Lane (Analysis)

I like it in a twisted way. However I kind of saw the way it was going to end. I didnt know that it was the paper but it was apparent he had commited the murders. I would watch it as a play or movie though it would probably amuse me. Good job.

Wow! Are you really under 18 and so creative?
I love the narrator’s shock at the end when he fills with fear at realizing he’s the killer. It’s as though he has multiple personalities. He did it and has no recollection of it. And yet, he’s looking at the jumper with blood on it and the little boy’s cap. He obviously knew his victims. That and the slamming of the car door lead me to think he’s about to be caught. I like that you left that open. Makes the reader think, wonder and try to draw a conclusion based on the facts of the story. Were the victims really his family or did he just see them that way in his own twisted mind? I can’t help thinking he just considered them his family because he speaks of feeling fire flame within him just thinking of Joanne. And he refers to the mother as the little boy’s mum, not
One tip:
Always run a grammar/spell check. You have Joanne spelled two different ways. Jo-Anne and Joanne. Unless you planned it that way to show his split personality. If so, you may need to add something else to let the reader know without telling them outright. I saw other grammar errors as well. Nothing tragic but if you’re looking to publish the story, an editor, agent or publisher will expect it to be grammatically correct.
Great job! Keep up the good work. You are definitely talented.

Maryjski

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April 24, 2008

by goldenrose

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
17	F	United Kingdom	June 30

Thanks for the review =D

I’ll keep an eye out for grammer etc. thanks so much :-)

And I’m 16 lol :-)

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I’m not entirely au fait with the conventions of formatting of stage plays, but as I piece of writing, as a monolgue, I like it. it’s succinct, and builds nicely before the twist, which I will admit I ‘got’ straight from ‘three brutal murders.’ But I don’t consider that a failing, becasue it’s nicely written. However, I do think some of the stage directions interfere with the reading experience, and that this would perhaps work well – better – as a straight piece of prose (although I appreciate that this wasn’t your set assignment).

Interesting. The air of mystery created with the stage props and the lighting is brilliant but I think the words let it slip too fast. Maybe the absence of Joanne’s name would keep the audiences more in the dark, and less spoken words from Steven, more work with his facial expressions, longer pauses?

Gripping though, :)

This deserves much more development. If you’ve every read In Cold Blood or similar, you’ll understand how far you can go with this. That said, this is an adequate beginning.

Proofreading notes:
lies it back down = lays it down
2 become (text-message OK, not for a stage play)

Oooh! What a twist. Absolutely wonderful.

it’s really good.:)
oh and it’ll make a good stage play too though it should talk about when he killd his family and doesn’t remember or something. still good though!! :D