Stage Play / Bloody Memory Lane (Analysis)
No lighting except dim spotlight on a middle-aged man sat cross-legged on a gold and red rug. He is surrounded by items of clothing and an A4 paper, face down on the rug. He is wearing a smart black suit and hair slightly matted. Has a ‘posh’ accent.
Steven – (He smiles fondly at the items on his bed then begins to speak slowly) My collection. They all belonged to my… (As he thinks he slowly smiles serenely). My Family. Yes. Yes, that’s right. My Family. (Steven picks up a blood red cashmere jumper and laughs softly) I remember this… Joanne loved it (He stays quiet for a moment then carries on speaking slowly.) Jo-Anne… I can feel fire flaming inside me when I say her name. (He stares at the jumper) She wore it on Christmas Eve… but she won’t wear it again. (Steven gently strokes his own cheek with the jumper) shame, really. (He very carefully lies it back down on the bed.) She can’t wear it now… I liked Joanne the best because she was always cheerful… Always laughing… like… (He tilts his head struggling to concentrate) Like a radiant ray of sunlight is hidden behind her eyes … So pretty. I miss her now… No one else laughs like she did. Her face shone powerfully with each smile. (His smile fades as he drifts into his own thoughts. A car door slams in the background and he jerks up straight coughing slightly. Briskly) Anyway, (coughs again). She doesn’t laugh now. (He surveys the other items on his bed and focuses on a little boy’s cap. He picks it up and places it on his head but it doesn’t fit properly, just sitting on the top of his head. Steven laughs playfully and his speech changes to reflect a little boy’s) This was Jamie’s. I played footy with him once and he had this. (He suddenly frowns looking slightly confused) His mum wasn’t chuffed ‘bout that… I asked why. (Suddenly smiles and picks up a woman’s vest top, the hat still on his head) Then she gave me this… I miss her … Ah well. (he looks around and notices the piece of paper. He frowns and picks it up. He starts reading aloud in a formal voice again) “Have you seen this man? He is suspected of three brutal murders. A teenage girl, a six year old boy and his mother were all found dead in similar circumstances” (Steven suddenly laughs softly) fancy that. (His laugh changes slowly 2 become a manic giggle) Fancy that… (He holds the paper up. It shows a picture of Steven. Smile slowly disappears from Steven’s face to be replaced by a look of fright, his eyes wide with horror.) It’s me.
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It was good. I could really follow along with it. I did kind of figure on what was going to happen but that may not matter. It was very nicely described. i didn’t have any trouble picturing it in my head.
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Hi,
After reading this, I can see where a teacher might be shocked. I can also see a great talent that you have for writing believable stories. I see a young Stephen Kings’ imagination here.
I like how your story moved along, even though it was quite startling and I think it is finished the way it is written. I could though, see you writing a book with several short stories in it.
Wonderful imagination and you have a gift in your ability in writing.
Take care
I could really envision this; I’m sure it could be compelling and spooky with the right actor.
For reading purposes, though, it’d be a lot easier to follow if the formatting were spaced out instead of in one big paragraph. There’s also a 2 instead of a “to” in the second-to-last line, and the “A teenage girl, a six year old boy and his mother” line is missing closing punctuation. And “fire flaming” is redundant: a more descriptive verb like “leaping” would be nice there. The story here is engaging in its simplicity, and that makes the little problems stand out, so a bit of proofreading could really strengthen this piece.
I am guessing that this is just a single scene in a play.
No lighting except dim spotlight on a middle-aged man sat cross-legged on a gold and red rug - except dim spotlight…Im not sure of the “rules” here but I’d throw an “a” in there.
man sat…maybe Sitting instead
I like the gestures and the thought process. I like the little “insight” to a mad man…
Okay… I liked the idea/plot of the stage play but I found it a little too choppy for my taste…I would have like some more detail about the whole story.
I love the way the man talks… he’s quite funny… yet serious at the same time… I get both of those emmotions from him…
What could have been improved was: The choppy-ness of the play, more detail, I would also like to know why he killed the people that he did.
What I liked: I liked how you ended the play…with the man saying “it’s me”, that was quite clever…
Over all… I think this could be a great story with a few improvements and a little more clarity…but other than that I think you’ve got yourself a great story…If you make any more improvements I would be glad to read this again…and see what you’ve done to make it better.
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