Stage Play / Bloody Memory Lane (Analysis)

Okay… I liked the idea/plot of the stage play but I found it a little too choppy for my taste…I would have like some more detail about the whole story.

I love the way the man talks… he’s quite funny… yet serious at the same time… I get both of those emmotions from him…

What could have been improved was: The choppy-ness of the play, more detail, I would also like to know why he killed the people that he did.

What I liked: I liked how you ended the play…with the man saying “it’s me”, that was quite clever…

Over all… I think this could be a great story with a few improvements and a little more clarity…but other than that I think you’ve got yourself a great story…If you make any more improvements I would be glad to read this again…and see what you’ve done to make it better.

I am guessing that this is just a single scene in a play.  

No lighting except dim spotlight on a middle-aged man sat cross-legged on a gold and red rug  -  except dim spotlight…Im not sure of the “rules” here but I’d throw an “a” in there.

man sat…maybe Sitting instead

I like the gestures and the thought process.  I like the little “insight” to a mad man…

I could really envision this; I’m sure it could be compelling and spooky with the right actor.

For reading purposes, though, it’d be a lot easier to follow if the formatting were spaced out instead of in one big paragraph. There’s also a 2 instead of a “to” in the second-to-last line, and the “A teenage girl, a six year old boy and his mother” line is missing closing punctuation. And “fire flaming” is redundant: a more descriptive verb like “leaping” would be nice there. The story here is engaging in its simplicity, and that makes the little problems stand out, so a bit of proofreading could really strengthen this piece.

Hi,

After reading this, I can see where a teacher might be shocked. I can also see a great talent that you have for writing believable stories. I see a young Stephen Kings’ imagination here.

I like how your story moved along, even though it was quite startling and I think it is finished the way it is written. I could though, see you writing a book with several short stories in it.

Wonderful imagination and you have a gift in your ability in writing.

Take care

It was good.  I could really follow along with it.  I did kind of figure on what was going to happen but that may not matter.  It was very nicely described.  i didn’t have any trouble picturing it in my head.

it’s really good.:)
oh and it’ll make a good stage play too though it should talk about when he killd his family and doesn’t remember or something. still good though!! :D

Oooh! What a twist. Absolutely wonderful.

This deserves much more development. If you’ve every read In Cold Blood or similar, you’ll understand how far you can go with this. That said, this is an adequate beginning.

Proofreading notes:
lies it back down = lays it down
2 become (text-message OK, not for a stage play)

Interesting. The air of mystery created with the stage props and the lighting is brilliant but I think the words let it slip too fast. Maybe the absence of Joanne’s name would keep the audiences more in the dark, and less spoken words from Steven, more work with his facial expressions, longer pauses?

Gripping though, :)

I’m not entirely au fait with the conventions of formatting of stage plays, but as I piece of writing, as a monolgue, I like it. it’s succinct, and builds nicely before the twist, which I will admit I ‘got’ straight from ‘three brutal murders.’ But I don’t consider that a failing, becasue it’s nicely written. However, I do think some of the stage directions interfere with the reading experience, and that this would perhaps work well – better – as a straight piece of prose (although I appreciate that this wasn’t your set assignment).