Thank you for the review that you gave my poem.
As far as polishing is concerned, I write what God puts in my spirit. He gives me what I write about. I may not be the poet I’d like to be but I feel I have gotten His message out. God Bless….Della
Poetry / Who am I? (Analysis)
When I gently ask you if
you have the time for me,
do you look at your watch,
run off and simply try to flee?
I’d just love to sit down
with you and tell you who I am,
but I know you’re way to busy
to sit and face me man to man.
In this fast pace of life
it’s easy to look away, for your
daily strife is burdened and
it’s hard to face each day.
I know what it’s like to do
so much in a short span of time.
I had so much to do myself,
I had to have more of my kind.
When we all get a job too
big to do ourself, don’t
we look around and wonder if
there’s anyone to help?
When our burden’s get too
hearty to lift that heavy rod,
we can alway’s look to heaven
and shout out to an Almighty God.
Don’t waste the time I give you
by not hearing my loving voice,
for someday you’ll sit and ponder,
wondering what could be your choice!
Take a seat and listen to this
introduction of the lamb, then
when I call you by my side you’ll
know that it’s I..it’s me..I AM!
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2lanecrossroad reviewed Version 1 -
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i love the for structure and meaning
keep it up
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chris_cross reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece, though I don’t really care much for the rhyme scheme. I’m not a fan of almost any rhyme scheme, though, so I think I might be biased. I think it’s pretty clear what you’re trying to give off here; to live life the way you want to, that life shouldn’t be a burden. At least, that’s what I see.
I think you have quite a strong ending, “Take a seat and listen to this/ introduction of the lamb, then/ when I call you by my side you’ll/ know that it’s I..it’s me..I AM!” I love that bit.
Overall, I think it needs a bit of polishing up, but it’s good. Thanks for sharing!
Mikkosgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. It’s a little happy for my tastes, but you pull off your meaning well. Theres a couple spelling errors, like where you use to instead of too, but nothing major.
Good work.
BillRetoff reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this. I liked the way you intrigue the reader with a mystery of who is speaking and then reveal it at the end.
I gave you almost a perfect score for this. The only thing that kind of threw me was the verse, “hearty to lift that heavy rod,”
I know you used hearty because you didn’t want to use heavy twice in the same verse, but it just didn’t sound right. I think of hearty as being something positive, and something to heavy to lift as being a negative.
penkey00 reviewed Version 1 -
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I read it twice, it feel like your talking to yourself or your younger yourself. I really liked it.
Kahuna reviewed Version 1 -
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I understand this poem is about God, it does however remind me of trying to have a conversation with my own dad…
I would like to see you work on your sentence structure:
In this fast pace of life
it’s easy to look away, for your
daily strife is burdened and
it’s hard to face each day
May flow better if it was:
In this fast pace of life it’s easy to look away,
for your daily strife is burdened and it’s hard to face each day
I know it doesn’t look as nice…and thats a battle in itself but for me it reads better.
Nice job!
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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Be careful of the forced rhyme, and if using a rhyme, like this alternate rhyming couplets within a quatrain form, stick with it. S1 “am” and “man”, S3 “your” and “day”, and S 5 “don’t” and “help” for example, and of course, S4 “time” and “kind” and S8 “then” and “AM” don’t really rhyme. When using rhyming ends, you create a strong expectation in the reader that the rhymes will flow, and when they don’t, it jars the reader. Go for flow over rhyme every time, to make the lines ring lyrically. Watch your meter as well.
Content-wise this is heart breaking stuff, with ego trying to find his/herself through difficulty. The difficulty with this is it’s all generalized, abstraction, and we, as reader, need specific, concrete images and thoughts. Personalize and detail, so it is specific to ego, the narrator, and we see the world, just for a moment, through ego’s eyes. Show us “specifically” what prompted this poem, how it effected ego in emotion, but also with senses (all 5), and whether there is a solution, as demonstrated by emotion and all 5 senses. The reader wants to experience it. For example, S1, who is ego talking about? Show us. S2 seems to suggest it’s a “father” (from “man to man”) but why not just say it. Make it “clear” for the reader.
S6: [burdens] [always] I’d drop the article “an” to make it specific, one God, which coincides with the capitalized [G]od. I’m not sure “hearty” is the right word, although I see you want to use something different from “heavy” in the same line. I think [H]eaven as a place, specific, so capitalize, as it fits with God, specific.
S8: ellipsis are always “…”
Hope that helps.
karalm reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this! So true after all. One note, in the 6th stanza you use apostrophes where they are not needed. I like the flow and the meter. Very nice.
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