Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Tale of Grim. (Analysis)

it is a good teaser i think maybe suggest more mystery about who he is or what he does
also you do ramble a bit

You seem to repeat yourself, and some of the wording is backwards, like when you say “even though is he cold and arrogant”- you should change it to “he is cold and arrogant”. And you don’t seem to say much about Grim that seemed scary, maybe you can elaborate on him a little more. This would make a great beginning of a story, just work on this part a bit more.

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April 26, 2008

by SophieCostello

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51	72.7% (22 votes)	20.2%

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20	F	Denmark	August 13

Hehe. I’ve stopped the text just before the introduction of Grim to be quite honest. Seeing as I only have half his look down, I thought it better to wait ;> I’m having one of my friends draw me that little creature, though, so in due time he will be elaborated (: Thanks for the review, btw.

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I think this would make a good start to a story. It’s intriguing and begs for questions to be answered. There are just a few rough spots.

I really like the first line. It’s very effective in pulling the reader in.

“He is not known to many, you see, and even fewer know of his existence.” I believe you mean that not many know what he looks like and few know he exists. But, the way you have it phrased it sounds like you’re saying the same thing twice.

“Those who do seem to have forgotten.” This is incomplete and ambiguous.

“allurement where that should” take out the word “where.”

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April 21, 2008

by SophieCostello

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51	72.7% (22 votes)	20.2%

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20	F	Denmark	August 13

Haha. I never did notice the “where”, which, by the way, should have been a “there”, so thanks for making that clear to me. I’ve been told very much that I ought to correct the second sentence, so I will do that when I get around to finding something else to put there (;

April 21, 2008

by SwordMistress

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365	93.9% (181 votes)	27.9%

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38	F	Menomonie, WI	September 06

I think most people, myself included sometimes see what they thought they wrote instead of what they actually wrote;)

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I liked this and felt it was a children’s story to begin with how it draws you in.I kept wanting to read more so the story intrigues and carries you. I want to read the story. well done.x

Its interesting though I think that 2nd line about being unknown to many is odd, it seems wierd that a few know him and even fewer know of his existance. I would think it would be the other way around.
You paint an interesting picture otherwise I like slight humor the voice of the piece has about it.
All in all it flows and is quick and readable, but its too short to really be judged yet.
I would keep reading to see where you are heading.
Gavinswar