Poetry / Overwhelmed (Analysis)

I think it’s worth rewriting. I think there is potential. But the ‘when it rains it pours line’ really grates on me. It’s probably a bit trite.

Ah…there is a lot under the surface in this piece.  I think it needs edited, shaped up.  Parts of it are a little melodramatic suc as the “I’m not alright”. The end is my favorite part…it really gets your attention.  I think if smoothed it’s rough edges it could work for you.

Even though you wrote this awhile back, it is how I feel sometimes. Yet I do away with those who annoy me in my writing, it’s safe and nobody really gets hurt.But your poem was very realistic and right on the money. I loved it and will put it in my favorites.

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April 22, 2008

by Poeticlunacy

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Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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You use, for my tastes, too many words to express the ideas here, in a very prose-like way.

For example, I’d probably condense the fourth line to something like this: “My good friend Music pounds in my ears, making me hunt for the remote.

Otherwise  the repetition of the “the [something] is too [something]” does have a nice poetic quality to it.  When you write “No one is here and it is too noisy” it gives a good insight into the attitude of the narrator: that it is not really the qualities of the objects perceived, but the state of the perceiver that is effecting his or her attitude.

this was good I love the darkness and and the mood of this poem I would like to see a little better structure instead of each line being a different sentence but overall nice job