Thanks for the review and I appreciate the ideas. No worries on the editing. The ideas are solid and I appreciate the time committment.
Poetry / Making a Difference
It’s a sad day.
Even the trees frown.
Emotions become
frigid, cold icebergs in Alaska
that nothing grows on.
Hearts stop pumping warm,
compassionate blood.
Innocent friend sent to prison.
Dogs carelessly run over.
Life’s tragedies
no longer play on the spirits emotions.
Transformed from human flesh to
Iron Statues.
Our skin is full plate armor.
Numb to the outside world.
Starving children with swollen bellies
and sunken desperate eyes,
is a common part of life.
Painful episodes of family feuds
tearing each others hearts out like
hungry beasts,
no longer matter.
Given up on the human race.
What a dead living.
Incomprehensible to the mind.
A walking body with the heart ripped out.
Don’t let me become part of this
Iceman society.
I refuse to live in apathetical acceptance
as do the mountains
with their faces of indifference.
Think you can’t make things better?
You’re right, no person that
backs down from school bullies,
no watcher content to
stand off to the side as society
goes down in flames
has ever made a difference.
What a dead living.
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AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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The polemic is stronger than the poetry in this one.
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derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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Good level of diction and you maintained the metaphor throughout. I liked the last verse, but then I’m an old street fighter from the ‘60’s. I am happy, though, that people are saying things like this again. Concerning your craft, this poem can be edited down or tightened somewhat. My suggestion is that anywhere you even think you are waxing poetic, simplify. The power of this piece comes from the simple images and individual words, not anything complicated or alliterate. Example:
“no longer play on the spirits emotions”. I’d eliminate “spirit”, feels stronger that way.
“A walking body with the heart ripped out”. I’d say:
“A walking body, the heart ripped out”. Again, more deliberate.
Think you can’t make it better?
You’re right, no one that
backs down from school bullies
or watches content
as society goes down
has ever made a difference.
What a dead living.
Please excuse my re-wording and editing. I guess I wish I wrote this one.
Thanks
MichelleAusman reviewed Version 1 -
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ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Subtlety, subtlety. This piece is crying for it. It’s so earnest and sincere, don’t lose it by teetering into lecturing. Bring us, love, bring us. LEAD… tap into the power of your persuasiveness, and let your words inspire. When you lean too far into judgment and away from the hope you seek to save, you lose me.
Please give this a wee bit more work. It’s so worth it. Inspire.
And oof, lose the title. Subtlety.
Good, heartfelt write. Please keep at it.
ae
gting reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. As I started reading I thought I wouldn’t but at then end I realised that it is well expressed and passionate. I like the image of trees frowning but maybe show us how they frown. What is about their branches or their leaves that makes them look like they are also sad. They are soaking up the apathy around them and that must show in their form. Show me this. Strengthen your images and you will have an excellent piece :)
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