Thank you
I hope I will be able to complete this story,
cause the main problem of writing is always biological brittleness of the organism.
Short Story / Plastelin (Analysis)
Why I must talk in russian to verbal displays of absolutely unrussian melancholy? So nervous. So blind and endless nervous walking in the street. The road must be endless too, but who knows, maybe it doesn’t even exist, as we prefer to think.
Astonishing plastic land. I can…no, everybody can take it, flatten it, make a form and, again, after loosing any interest, leave it to disintegrate into dust. Alive plastic. It’s ready to accept us on a preferable terms and independent from ours desires conditions.
Still, let us think, that we were walking across the street, trying not to be eaten by wheels, automobiles, pedestrians and others mechanic, metal and already self-minded creatures.
Other turn.
True perfection – square boxes, which should be houses, buildings, or something like that. Thousands of colored dots – that should be windows, lighted halls, or, as I prefer to name it, lighted mouths.
I was going to sit somewhere and I did. I thought children’s playground, which grew in a few steps away from me, in a geometrical centre of the court yard, perfectly fitted with my needs.
Red, green and blue. Metal tubes, connected with each other, which constructed a swing. I had sat near. Aesthetic and biological degradation. The sky was,as never, violet, close and it was pressing on my breast. It was also pressing on my neck, so I had no choice, than to return to my senseless debate about physical and material land options.
I’ve tried.
I had put my hands into surface under me, turn inside out the geodetic theory and, after a few minutes, tried to pull everything out.
Sphere, earthen sphere. That was what I gained. A peace of soil cover in my hands.
I had tried again I had tried… to make a person. But, as all earthen, it had covered by weeds, beds, pesticides and flowers on it’s head. As all earthen It had scattered into a dust, as far as I had left it. How prosy!
Because of external influence. Concerning a person, it was another person. And my lonely debate with half-rusty playground’s avan-garde construction should be the brightest example of it.
It was.
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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You have an interesting use of language. The language here is troped like poetry. You create some vivid images, like poetry. And you do have a character and you do have something akin to a plot, but it still reads to me as a prose poem. And poetry does not necessarily have to make sense but good fiction does. I can’t say that I don’t like it, but I can say it takes a lot of work to understand it (I think). You have a number of grammatical errors in the work (some intentional?) like your failure to capitalize Russian and a number of fragments such as “So nervous.” and “Other turn.” You also have run-on sentences(again perhaps for artistic purposes?)throughout.
The rating system still puzzles me. I don’t know how to rate “attract an agent and/or publisher.” You have to submit work to agents and publishers as a general rule. But, of course, I could be wrong.
Anyway, keep on writing.
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Jacamo reviewed Version 1 -
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Astromancer reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow…great prose, but I wish you flush out your story even more. I’d like to kow more of where the character’s place is in his nillieau…With me being basically self-taught, in my ignorance I’d say it was a bit ‘high concept for the general public…However, I would not suggest you change it…just give us more! Very good flash!
Lovejonz reviewed Version 1 -
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I found it to be too wordy but not enough substance. It is a turn off to read
and find that the spell check was maybe used but in a haphazard way because in the first paragraph where it reads…”It’s ready to accept us on a preferable terms and independent from ours desires conditions.” That makes absolutely no sense. Is it “It’s ready to accept us on preferable terms and independent from our desired conditions?” That would make more sense to me.
mysterianne reviewed Version 1 -
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AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a gorgeous piece. I rarely rank this high.
I love the fact that it is written with an accent. That adds not only to the abstraction but demonstrates your ability to paint a picture for your reader.
I am not sure how even a novella could hold up in this voice but for this short piece it is excellently done.
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