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Flash Fiction / No choice (Analysis)
The dark clouds of the evening released merciless droplets of rain onto a hooded silhouette as it hurried up the harsh stone steps. The wind whirled violently, attempting to dissuade the mother’s intention. Clutching a vulnerable bundle in her arms, Emma’s eyes darted across the silent deserted streets of Rome. Staring up at the orphanage, tears of pain welled over her eyes, blurring her vision. Her hand trembled along with her aching heart as she knocked on the door.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Aten2727 reviewed Version 1 -
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meowby reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes this is a very good opening. Descriptive, makes the reader want more. Keep going!
CAT
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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I would start with the character in the first sentence so that the reader can see this scene as Emma would see it.
Clutching a vulnerable bundle in her arms, Emma’s eyes darted (dangling modifier: You have Emma’s eyes clutching the bundle here.)
Mortimer reviewed Version 1 -
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Fresh_Fish reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, this seems like a good start. I’d have to say the opening line was a bit long for me. Maybe take out ‘dark,’ as you tell us it’s raining, so we already know that. ’Harsh’ doesn’t really fit for me either, for similar reasons. Otherwise this leaves the reader wanting more (as you’ve intended it.) Good Luck.
Gaeltree reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
I gave it a low flash rating, because it’s not really flash fiction.
To your question, yest it works as the start of a story – but it’s so early in the story that i think that you should add some more to it.
Work on a few more paragraphs and I’d be interested in seeing it.
cheers
codycooper reviewed Version 1 -
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Very solid piece. Very lean, even for flash fiction. No fluff whatsoever. Capturing the essence of what an ordeal like this might be like in such few words is an accomplishment. Not only did you set a wonderful tone, but the emotion and setting are so clear as to give the reader much insight into this life changing decision.
jayne reviewed Version 1 -
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You are truely a fantastic writer, I have read your work before, and each time I read your work, i hope and pray to see it published. I truely feel this day will come and your name will be known world wide. well done jayne sterne xxxx
shemetls reviewed Version 1 -
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Your subject matter is appealing. It makes one want to know who is she running from? What is she going to do with the baby? Why would she give up a baby she loves? Awwww, but you never said that what she is carrying is a baby, right That’s what makes the beginning excellent. When you set up a scene that is appealing and where assumption is the key to understanding, you can really twist a mind in knots. I think you have a great beginning. I would love to read more.Email me: shemetls@yahoo.com. Be sure to put:Urbis story in the caption so I won’t delete it. shemetls
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