To lie and wait conveys to the reader that you are waiting for them. To lie in wait makes it seem as tho you are expecting them. As far the the other person, I’ve described the fact of what he well enough haven’t I? After reading the poem you should have figured out that he was cruel, uncaring, and a selfish prick. That’s what I was trying to convey. Technicalities aside, thank you for your review.
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Poetry / The Jagged Edges of the Heartbreak Door (Analysis)
Between two rooms I lie and wait,
Forever in love
But why must you hate?
Broken glass doors are shutting on me,
Dull needles bring pain
To heal my agony.
Glass pierces flesh as you stand there,
I try to confess
But I know you don’t care.
The shards of glass that break my heart,
You stand there glaring,
And it ripps me apart.
The doors are shut here,
As I am standing
Half in Love, half in Fear.
My soul drips on each side of the glass.
My heart still beats for you
As you stand there and laugh.
You push me, breaking the door,
The shards run ever deeper
As I fall to the floor.
Your laugh haunts me thru the years,
But you’re still laughing,
And I’m still lying, crying here.
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Travis_Tee reviewed Version 1 -
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saex4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I would like to see the repitition of the two sides used a lot more through out the piece.
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KJEghdami reviewed Version 1 -
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‘Between two rooms I lie and wait,’
This may sound better if it’s ‘I lie in wait,’
Also, you have a couple of spelling errors to fix. Otherwise, I think you did a good job of conveying what you were trying to get across. But maybe talk more about the person who is watching and laughing.
HarryVann reviewed Version 1 -
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To begin with, I am beginning to realize that this kind of poetry is very, very popular as a means for people to share their personal experiences. I’ve read quite a few of these types of poems but this one stands out in a class by itself merging heartfelt pangs with clear imagery of hurt. I get this piercing feeling as though the shards of class acted like figurative shrapnel ripping your heart apart. The other part of this poem that captures me, and once again I find it intriguing, is the lack of movement forward from the point that inspired the story. The sentiment I get is of one giving up and not trying to live with the pain of the memory or whatever it is and make the most out of life. In short, I think this is a very good poem that touches on a lot of different elements.
I like the manner in which you have constructed this poem. It is very clear and easy to read without a lot of the usual innuendo and indirect inference that many poems seem to be taking these days. For me the sharpness of your poems form combined with its language and punctuation accentuates the various parts of it. It’s not so much a hard hitting poem as it is a very deep and open expression that seeks out greater understanding. I was hoping for a more hopeful ending to the poem, but your imagery, as you decided to show it, definately resonated with me…even though I personally like happier endings.
Overall a very good poem that clearly reflects the emotion felt by the writer. My only advice now is to take the poem, reflect on it, and seek out how it may propel your writing to a different level with another perspective. eg: don’t settle for the un-happy ending…explore that ending more as a start to another poem and see where it takes you.
Nicely done.
Harry
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