Thank you for your review, yes it is a full length novel, nearly complete. Thought to post up the prologue to get a feel of interest. Most like it and want to know more, which is what I was after.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prologue-The Eblissian Chronicles (Analysis)
The craftswoman’s brow furrowed in deep concentration as she carefully unbricked the opening of the large kiln. She was keen to resolve the dilemma that had faced the community, and the world at large in recent times. The challenge had been almost insurmountable and, as the sweat dripped from her face, she finally removed the last brick from its place in the door.
Ragged and dishevelled, the Council of Elders stood in a circle around the kiln. This had been the third attempt to complete the work. They were becoming more disconsolate with each failure.
The end of the last war had left them with little hope until a traveller, leading a shaggy pony happened their way, selling what treasures he had found scavenging the outer regions and wastes of the badlands. He was an amiable man and was welcomed into their community. He and the pony were in sore need of rest and food. The council agreed to share what little they had.
“My Lords,” said the traveller with a humble bow, “I have eaten and rested well, thank you for your hospitality. My journey must continue at daybreak tomorrow. However, before leaving, may I show you something of interest? My travels have taken me through many strange places, and I have in my possession an item of rare and intriguing quality.”
A representative came forward from the council and returned the bow.
“We thank you for your kind offer, traveller. Sadly, the ravages of war have left us with little means to purchase your goods, but we wish you well on your journey.”
One of the villagers brought the freshly groomed pony to the traveller. All its tack neatly cleaned, bags carefully tied to the packsaddle and a fat belly bulging from munching some fine oats and hay. The traveller took the lead rope and softly spoke into the pony’s ear. The little creature looked at the traveller and then sat down! He eased himself on to the ground and just lay there stretched out. The Council of Elders stood there amazed. From his pocket, the traveller withdrew a small scrap of paper that he unfolded with the utmost care. He bent down, patted the pony on its neck and recited the words on the paper. The pony started to fade into nothingness, and as he grew fainter, a glow became evident. The traveller reached into his pocket, drew out a cloth and placed it over the glowing part on the now nearly invisible pony. He finished the recitation and quickly picked up the cloth by all of its four corners. The pony had vanished.
“I give this to you for the kindness you have shown a weary traveller. Guard it well, its powers are great and will aid in solving the dilemma you will face in the not too distant future. The craftswoman should use this in her creation. All will be well and, as my task is now complete, it is time to move on.”
The traveller held his arms out, turned three circles and vanished.
The Elders looked in amazement at the place where the traveller and pony had been. They turned to the craftswoman seeking the results of this latest effort. She peered into the gloom of the kiln, the residual warmth fanning her wet hair and skin. Absolute sorrow masked her face as she turned from yet another failure.
“There is a huge crack down the right hand side of the body.” She let out a long sigh. “I don’t understand it, the firing was perfect, and the clay mix was the best quality found anywhere. I need to go away and really think about what must be amiss. My Lords, I am truly at a loss.”
As she turned to leave, the Council representative stepped forward.
“The traveller left this glowing ball as a gift for us in thanks for the kindness we had shown him. Perhaps we may be able to use it somehow.”
He held out the cloth, its contents emitting a warm light.
“I don’t know what to do with it,” the craftswoman remarked dejectedly as she gazed at it.
The councillor stepped forward and handed her the Orb. She noticed that the light in the cloth became brighter as she stepped nearer to the open door of the kiln.
“This is interesting;” she said, “I wonder what happens if we move closer to the kiln.”
The craftswoman held the ball out at arms length and walked slowly towards the open doorway. As they crossed the threshold, the ball began to crackle. In seconds a blinding flash occurred, the whole interior of the kiln lit up. The cloth disappeared and the craftswoman’s creation took on an eerie glow. She moved towards it and noticed that the crack had disappeared.
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Reagan_Harbin reviewed Version 1 -
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The piece was interesting in that its plot kept my interest the whole time. The only real critism that I have is that the conclusion seems lacking. I would have liked more in knowing why the crack “healed” itself. Perhaps there’s more to come?
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Astromancer reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I agree with your agent’s assessment. Mot important to me is whe I pick up a book or story, I expected to be intrigued and held captive by the first paragraph. You did just that. By the end of the first page I had a grasp of the entire world where you tale takes place. Very good start! Hoever, the transition between where you told the story of the traveller and where the Council took the orb to the craftswoman was a bit fuzzy. Was the meeting a past event or had it occurred while she was at work in the kiln?
Other than that, there is nothing else I would change…Dammit, now I want to read the book!
trismugistus reviewed Version 1 -
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I must admit, I found it a bit confusing. It almost seemed like there were pieces missing. I’ll go though the bits I got confused by.
When he picks up the cloth “by all four corners” it isn’t at all clear that the glowing thing is now in the cloth. If you lay a cloth down flat and then pick it up at the corners, you wouldn’t have anything in it – you’d need to grasp whatever you’ve laid the cloth down on and pick it up like that. Also, does he then crumple it up? Fold it up? How big is the cloth – I initially though he was covering the entire donkey, but is it more like a handkerchief size? I ask because it’s not clear quite how big the glowing thing is, given it was inside a donkey.
There’s a sentence that the elders are looking at the vanished pony and traveller. Then the next sentence starts “They turned to the craftswoman seeking the results of this latest effort.”
If they turn away from the vanishing and look at the craftswoman, this implied that the two places are one and the same – that the traveller is in the craft woman’s place, but from the rest of what’s written this didn’t appear to the case. They would need to go to the craftswoman’s to find her.
Also, “this latest effort” confused me – what latest effort? What the craftswoman was doing is not previously mentioned.
Why is her hair and skin wet? Is she sweating or has she just got out of the bath? Sorrow masking her face is an odd statement – a mask implies that the real emotion is being covered over, but sorrow is her real emotion. And are they lords or elders? Lords implies some mastery in a feudal system, elders implies they are leaders by virtue of age, experience and wisdom.
This area was where I thought some stuff had gone missing – it read like paragraphs had been lost or left out.
Is the thing an orb, or is it a glow inside a cloth? If it’s in the cloth you wouldn’t necessarily know it’s an actual orb.
It says the craftswoman “crossed the threshold” of the kiln. This suggests she actually went inside the kiln – given only one thing was fired and she’s a craftswoman that implies the kiln is quite small, and yet she’s able to get inside.
I’m sorry if that seemed harsh, overall I don’t think it’s too bad, it’s just it confused me in quite a few places and for want of a bit more explanation and detail these would all be easily solved.
oldirty reviewed Version 1 -
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You have piqued my curiosity, sir or madam!
The only thing I can harp on is that it wasn’t entirely clear what the glowing gift was on page 2. Which is totally forgivable, however, if this is going to be a full length novel. Post more!
Rugbyguy90 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very good so far. The only thing I think needs to be changed is the line ”’This is interesting,’ she said ‘I wonder what would happen if we move closer the Kiln’”, you should drop the last part from “I wonder…”, but once again, good job.
ethanchrist reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story was well-written and easy to follow along, which can be rare in this genre. But I don’t quite understand what about the traveller makes the Council welcome him into the community and even help try to solve their problem. If they’re truly war-weary I’d imagine that they’d be highly xenophobic and want to keep an outsiders away from this creation that seems to be so important. Maybe if you included something where the traveller showed them some of his magic or something and then they accepted him, it’d be more believable. Also, I think that by the end of the Prologue you should let the reader know exactly what they’re trying to make. Is it a sword, like a weapon, or a shield for protection, or something completely different altogether?
playrite76 reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I do not see any spelling or grammatical errors in this, but it does seem to be missing something. What I mean is this… As I was reading the first few paragraphs, I had to go back and read again as you confused me a little bit. Maybe more detail of the scene would help. The council is standing around the kiln waiting for the craftswoman to finish the job? Why? Could you expand on that some? I know that this is a prologue, but what significance does the kiln hold? Also, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on in that scene. Did the traveller show up then? Or were you going back and retelling what happened when the traveller was there? It threw me off, is all, so you may want to edit a little.
Now, I liked how you told the tale of the traveller and his encounter with the Elders. The orb is intriguing, but why would it dissappear after fixing the kiln? Good hook with that one.
I think that with some more description and a little clarification, this could be a special piece. Good luck.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Usually, when I open a work in the “Sci Fi & Fantasy” genre on Urbis, I prepare myself to have to slog through hundreds or thousands of words of cliche and derivative hackery.
I really liked this piece, and although I can’t see it as a complete work in itself, it presents an intriguing mystery, and a glimpse of the magic that exists in the world you’re creating.
I think that the line of dialog where the craftswoman says “This is interesting…I wonder what would happen…” is unnecessary. If she were curious, I think she’d be more likely to simply move closer to the kiln up on seeing the ball of light’s reaction, rather than wasting her time on the words.
I am also hesitant to judge since this seems like such an obvious fragment of a larger work, but given the importance of the ball of light to the work, it seems that repairing a ceramic piece is a relatively mundane task for it to complete. If the creation in the kiln is of value, then maybe you could focus a bit on that as well.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad. This feels like a good beginning to the story. My only criticism is that the craftswoman is able to use the Orb very quickly. It would be more satisfying if the Council had to work a bit to get it to work.
Proofreading notes:
then sat down! (Exclamation point here is unnecessary and awkward.)
on to (Unless on is part of a phrasal verb, this should always be spelled as onto. Here on is not a part of a phrasal verb.)
well, its powers (comma splice. Remedy: use a semicolon, colon or period.)
the Orb (Are you going to capitalize this throughout?)
blinding flash occurred, (occurred is a rather drab word at this rather dramatic moment)
magusofchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, this would make me keep reading. It’s got enough detail to make me curious, without giving away too much.
I didn’t notice any glaring mechanical errors. Some of the sentences seem a little long, but not enough to hurt the flow of the story.
I hope to read more of this soon, because it left me with many questions. What will the orb do? Who was the traveler? What is the craftswoman trying to make? What is the challenge that faces this world?
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