what is it that you think is missing?
Poetry / Your Last Binge
Cracks and lines on the mirror
traverse your face.
Is your hair turning white,
or is that coke dust from your last binge?
How old you’ve gotten
In a few short years.
Blown-back from the mountaintop
you got lost in the blizzard.
Better hope someone comes looking for you.
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chickiemcweird reviewed Version 1 -
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This reminds me of the Snow Queen. Oh, what fun could be had with that!
What if no one comes looking? Where does the poem go then? Does it grow a tail and sting itself? What does the venom feel like? Do you bang it or freebase?
I don’t think years like that are short. I think of each day in them as a link that makes a chain. That chain grows longer, more heavy, until it is impossible to drag through to the next fix, even when that fix will make the weight less.
I like the lines you mention. You could have done something cheeky with that word, after it traversed said face. How did they traverse it? When did they begin traversing? What were they traversing before? Perhaps a glass tabletop? Did they traverse lightly at first, like a fine net or dusting? When did they etch themselves deeper?
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CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Its short. Which isn’t all bad, but I felt that your message could be better portrayed if it were a little longer. The imagry is great, and I really enjoyed it. Which is maybe why I want it to be longer. Poetry about drugs is can be good or bad, but more often than not, its bad due to terrible writing. This one is good, I liked it. Work on the lenght, but keep the insight coming.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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At this point the poem is incomplete and really doesn’t go anywhere, nor has it poetic form such as rhyme or meter etc. I think it’s about someone, perhaps a woman who is a coke addict and has aged from doing the drug excessively in the last few years. What is not clear is if the cracks and lines are on the mirror or on her face, is the mirror reflecting her face or vice versa? It’s a bit of a stretch to say her hair is turning white from coke dust, usually its powder under the nose that’s the give away. Not sure what blown-back from the mountain top means, though blow is slang for coke. And why does she need rescuing? An addict has to come to terms and admit their addiction and want to change before they can quit, it’s not a rescue sort of thing. The questions unanswered in this poem is who is she, why did she become a coke addict and who is the narrator to her? This would make a more interesting poem.
horse reviewed Version 1 -
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The “type of person” is definitely not hard discern—someone lost in the world of cocaine.
Overall, I think that the subject matter is powerful and I’m a fan of brevity in poetry. That said, it may be helpful to provide a bit more of the story.
Although I like lines 7 through 9, the tone is different and it feels like something is missing. Perhaps something between lines 6 and 7 to complete the picture and make the wrap-up less hasty?
Interesting piece—I hope this helps.
CatherineU reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Lots of clever images in this piece! Right from the beginning where “cracks and lines on the mirror” traverse the face, you create some interesting images.
The reference to mountaintop and blizzard - both well done given that you are talking about cocaine aka snow. I also like the aspect of being blown-back, well chosen for referring to being taken down by drug abuse.
The one part that I didn’t care for was the question. I would much rather you use your clever imagery to show me that perhaps it’s just dust from that last binge. Also, given that the title of the piece is “Your Last Binge” I’m not sure you even need it in the poem. Again, I prefer you to show me the possibility of it being coke dust rather than just throw the question out there.
I’m also not sure you need the last line. To me it’s almost stronger to end on being lost in the blizzard.
Thanks for a nice little read.
neawaia reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, 1- this is about a drug addict or a person who liked to party hard. 2- yes, you need to extend. There are so many ways you could go with this. You just have to pick which one feels the best for you and the poem. This actually reminds me a little of a song by Pink. Who Knew. But also past history tends to flash back and like myself, there are probably others out there that can relate to this as well, but in different ways. Keep going, try extending, try a number of different endings or add ons…then pick out which jumps out at you or appeals to you. This has great potential!!! Keep it up!
Caroline24 reviewed Version 1 -
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It sounds like someone who has aged prematurely from coke use, and/or partying too much.
There is definitely room for more. You could do something along the lines of running into this person after some time has passed and how you can’t believe you once like this person, and how you’re lucky not to go down with them. There are numerous possibilities.
I don’t see anything at all wrong with the way it is now – writing or structure.
AVRP reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice, although try capitalizing each line. It will make the entirety of the poem look much neater and closed. A very interesting poem to be sure. I think it could be a little longer myself.
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