Humor/Satire / I Long for Darkness

Okay, first, I’m not sure how to rate on the Continue to Work On? category, so I just went with the assumption that 10 meant it was perfect as is.

Okay, first what does “appliquéd witticisms” mean? Since you’re talking about clothes, it’s confusing. Or perhaps it’s in reference to something the mother said? In that case, give mom a bit more dialogue in the first paragraph so that it’s easier to identify.

Also, I like the overall tone of it, but feel you can add a bit more irony to it. Especially with the mother ship line. Maybe something like “I want to meet up with my fellow nonconformists, so we can all be individuals together.”

Overall, a good start, now you just need a little fine-tuning to make it truly unique.

A very moving work of monumental proportions.  Who does this woman think she is?  Holding this alien hostages for her selfish desires.  Where can I go to make a contribution toward this noble creatures ransom?

I want to start by saying that as an older person I despise the Emo movement as a brilliant marketing ploy that has enslaved the minds of many impressionable young people with a false sense of belonging.  That being said, I thought this was pretty funny, but it ended rather abruptly, and with no real resolution.

The line “Or World of Wacraft.”, made me laugh out loud, but I think that there are a lot more things like this you could add in if you decided to continue this story.  The structure of the story was sound, and the dialog was believable.

So good job, and write the rest.    

“She knows nothing of true pain, the kind of hurt that can only be dulled by small cuts. Or World of Warcraft.” Heh, I chuckled at that line. Very funny juxtaposition, which makes the humor work. Unfortunately, i know too many people like that…

As a short piece of satire, this works in its direction and brevity. The tone and the voice work very well for the subject matter. Your choice of diction like “darkness”, “proletariat”, etc., works well considering what the narrator;’s describing…an average visit to the mall with his/her mom (I’m guessing).

Are you satirizing angsty youth or is this a knowing acknowledgement of the character’s dilemna? Just curious. Perhaps you might want to clarify the aim when you work further on it.

I liked it a lot.  You toed the line between being a criticism of conformity and a parody of people that criticizes conformity.   Which is a good thing.  

Just skimming this I was thinking it was mistakenly put under humor when it belonged under Emo Flash Fiction.  Then I read more closely.  The satire is really subtle, but it’s biting.

And then “Or World of Warcraft.”  Brilliant!

I wish it was a longer piece.

This was really funny. The way the narrator is a scene kid and it seems that his girlfriend or whatever is a preppy kid. I think you should add more to it, though. This could be a much bigger story.

“I shall wear black until they make a darker color.”  I LOVE THIS LINE.  It rolls off the toung with such ease and is so sharp! oHH love it!

You should seperate the lines of speach:

“It will be dark soon.”

I welcome the darkness!....

over all, i like it a lot.  It sounds like the begining to a very good short story about the family.