Poetry / Marriage in Illinois

Nice pensketch of Alana in verse 3 which is intriguing but there is not lot about Tanner except that he says, ‘Lisle is a shithole.’ His father’s comment suggests he has come up in the world. I wonder if Verse 4 & 5 about ‘happiness’ & ‘life is a journey’ could have been stitched into the fabric of earlier verses instead of ending as appendages.

This is a great read. Very straightforward and succint word-painting. I don’t have any criticism, really – I think you’ve created your own form here, trainpoetry, and I’d feel bad trying to mess with it. :) Look forward to checking out your website!

The fact that these are pumped out in less than 45 minutes makes them that much more appealing.  This piece very concisely displays the subject, forms an opinion and presents comparisons in such a fluid way that makes it more than a simple observation or conversation.  A very pleasant piece that will I’m sure cause me to read more of these entries in the series.

I love the comparisons in this poem. Often times the use of names makes me not like certian poems. However, you accomplish this well and work them into the poem. In fact, with out specific names this couldnt exist. You did it perfectly.

The analagy in the beginning about the mittens is great, never ending… I thought it was eloquent.

Great job.

The conversational tone and natural flow of this is really good, but what makes it great is the message “Happiness is not like coal/Where you refine it/
Extract what you need/And expel the byproducts//It’s more like a train/That gets you from one place to another/Without much thought or reason”.  The story starts off so simple, and ends up being profound! I loved it!

i like the mittens analogy
and the informal, midwestern tone
of this piece

i would drop the last three lines

In today’s world of self publishing, I had to give you 5’s on those rankings.

It is unlikely you would be approached by a legit poetry publisher based on this piece.

Now about your poem. It starts off well. It has a rhythm and imagery but….

Then you lose it. It becomes more proselike and less poetic. It jumps from idea to idea without transition.  Lisle is mispelled… and what does it have to do with the poem’s theme?  

Do you really know what your theme is?

Is it about marriage? about the lover’s differences?  The product?  the process? Your reflections?  I don’t because you don’t stick to one theme.

I think you need to refocus and concentrate on one theme and write several poems using this one as fodder.

When you do write the new pieces, make sure to keep rhythm and theme consistent throughout.

The idea of doing a daily poem is good, so I like it very much. Marriage is pretty good, but as a good ole Missoura boy I just don’t get along with Illinois that well, but I’ll ignore that bit and try to be unbiased. I’m not too good with poetry so I don’t know if there is a scheme for the verses or not, but I didn’t see much rhyme. Still, even I know not all poetry requires rhyme. Wanna read another one some time, so keep it goin!

This to me needs to be like blog or diary format.  I read it that way and find it very intriguing! Changing it to that format and continuing would be good. Can’t wait to hear more!