Thanks, I just so happen to live in California. I didn’t know if it had much depth, but I’m glad you found some in it. I just decided to write a relationship story and this is how it came out.
Short Story / Are you happy? (Analysis)
Bare white walls reflect the yellow glow of a clock-radio, 1:43 AM. I’m holding my knees, listening to the new creeks and groans of neighbors up, down and in between our apartment. “Sweetie…” I look at Gabe, he just groans and cuddles closer to the edge of the bed.
9:22 AM
Thump, thump, thump…
Flipping through a magazine a floating mix of tighty whities, twisted bras and gym socks shake in a toxic concoction of Method detergent and bleach. ‘Shopping for a bridal dress can be an enjoyable experience if you follow these simple steps…’ Bending down to scratch my leg through a hole in my jeans, the magazine slips onto the blue tile floor. “Shoot.” I grab for the magazine and slap it back on my lap.
Hummmmmmmmmm….shakes the washer in rinse cycle.
Looking down at the random page, a woman peers at me through heavy mascara eyes and her mouth is parted enough to slide a piece of Orbit gum past the red lipstick. The dress is a pristine white, dangling with beads of pearls and crystals fitting like a puzzle piece in the Goth chapel background. Fabulous!
“All these beautiful women…why couldn’t one of them be me?” Looking down at myself my stomach sticks out of my Tinkerbell t-shirt. I poke at it and it ripples like water.
2: 36 PM
I hate the DVD player. It was only 30$ at Target and on the first day we tried to watch a movie, it skipped half of it. I put in the disc cleaner CD first. “Welcome to the Home CD Cleaner, please enjoy the music as we clean your lens…” I walk to the tiny sparse white kitchen and open up the fridge. Milk, diet Pepsi with lime, orange juice, cheese cake, grapes, half a burrito…
Leaving the fridge open, I pull out a small drawer and grab my blood glucose meter. It’s black and blue and a little larger than the palm of my hand. This is the worst part, sticking myself with the small needle.
Closing my eyes I press down the button, waiting for that click…
“OW!” I resist shaking the pain out of my hand; I don’t want specks of blood everywhere.
Shoving in the testing strip I wait for the little drop to flash. I pick up the meter and tap the tip of the strip to the large drop of blood. It’s always too much, “At least I have good blood flow.” I stick my pointer finger in my mouth and wait for the four seconds: 412.
Tears well up in my eyes, “I can’t eat anything can I?” I turn to the fridge, my electronic enemy and slam the door shut sending a cool jet of air on my face streaked with tears.
8:03 PM
A swordsman swings his majestic weapon through a skeleton warrior and the bones fall to the ground with a humorous clunk-da-clunk. “Die bastard, die…” mumbling between sword swings I stick my tongue out in concentration. Shelves are filled with books, but the walls are bare of personality. Dungeon and Dragons Players Handbook, Exalted, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Bone: by Jeff Smith, The Everything Wedding Book…
“Honey I’m home.” Gabe shuts the door and clicks the lock.
Kicking his black Nike shoes off another, skull warrior falls as my fingers fly in a flurry of button clicks. Gabes’ bag hits the dinning table with a bang and I jab the pause button with my thumb. Looking at Gabe I lick my lips, he starts to shove a pile of wedding supplies off the table and into a corner. I tilt my head and ask, “Sweetie is something wrong?”
“The wedding is only two months away.” Gabe’s eyes glazed over for a moment and he was frozen.
“Yes. I’m going for my final dress fitting tomorrow.” Getting off the couch I sit down at one of the so 80s dinning chairs. “Hopefully I don’t gain any more weight by then.” I grab at my stomach and start to shake my lard.
Gabe sits down and reaches his hand under the table to stop me from shaking out my fat. “I love you the way you are.” His smile is sincere, always has been. I hold his hand between both of mine and bring it up to kiss it. His green eyes always enchanted me, even when his hair looked like a bad Luke Skywalker haircut.
He forgot to take off his Petco name-badge and his blue work-shirt had holes around the collar. “That’s part of the problem sweetie.” He slid his hand out and slowly put his head on the table. “I’ve been working so hard to lose weight…” My voice hit a high, distressed pitch.
“I know, I know.” Gabe mumbled.
“What girl wouldn’t want a guy to love her curves.” Holding back my tears, “But you know I’m diabetic and…”
He cut me off, “I know!” Slamming his hands flat on the table he sat up. “I can’t help if my hormones prefer a little meat on the bones!” He held his face in his hands and shook his head “no”.
I look up at the popcorn ceiling. All the little bumps in a mess, it’s impossible to count them, I’ve tried. “I’m just wondering what you are going to say if I loose the weight. You can’t say ‘I love your big, beautiful body.’ anymore.”
“I don’t know Liz, I don’t know.” He reaches for my hands and holds them tightly, his eyes are turning red. I can’t hold back my own tears but I try to wipe them up with my shoulder.
“It’s not like I’m going to be a stick Gabe. I just want to be healthier.” He starts to rub my hands and smile.
“I just wish you could enjoy yourself like I do.” He pulls me out of the chair and kisses me softly on the lips.
I nuzzle my head into his shoulder, “Chubby chaser.”
“What did you just say?” He pushed me back off his body and glared at me.
“I hate the word chubby chaser.” I looked right at him and gritted my teeth. Stomping back to the paused video game I rapidly tap the buttons. Hack-slash-hack-slash, blaring though the speakers. “Why does being a guy…who likes…BBWs…have to be so shameful!” Tilting with every dodge and puncturing blow my brows were furrowed in anger.
9:43 PM
I hate how the feathers blow out of the pillows, they poke me in the middle of the night, but they do keep us warm. It’s so cold when I first get into bed and I sit up cross legged to read the wedding magazine. Gabe was brushing his teeth and all the words started to jumble up as the thin pages flicked by.
Grabbing it tight I threw it against the wall and instantly let my head fall into my hands. Gabe ran in, frothing at the mouth, and spat out, “Are you okay?”
“I just hate it sweetie.” My shoulders shook as I tried to fight the tears, “I want to make you happy Gabe, but I can’t…my body won’t let me.” Gabe grabbed a towel from the hamper and wiped his face off so he didn’t spit foam everywhere.
“Liz,” He sat down on the bed and just held me and I leaned into him still crying. “I feel so ashamed of myself for putting you through this.” His lips were right next to my ear and my boogers were running all over his grey t-shirt.
“I can’t tell if we’re happy sweetie, and I need a Kleenex.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
TnD reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
creeks => creaks
Second paragraph : The magazine is a floating mix of underwear? That sentence doesn’t really make sense.
“black and blue and…” => “black, blue and…”
”...at Gabe I lick my lips, he starts to…” => “at Gabe, I lick my lips. He shoves…” (no starts)
”...one of the so 80s…” => no ‘so’
“loose” => “lose” (loose is the opposite of tight)
”...the bed and just held me and I leaned” => ”...the bed, held me and I leaned”
Overall, I think that you’ve got a good premise for a story. It just needs to be tightened up in a couple of places. Also, if this was a short story, I sincerely hope that wasn’t the end of it! You’ve got countless amounts of possibilities on where to go with this. What happens with the wedding? Does she lose the weight? Will penguins suddenly storm their house, making them race llamas for the rest of eternity? The world may never know…
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
- add/view comments (0)
bravis reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was quite interesting and mostly well written, but the ending confused me because it didn’t really seem to end. This being a short story, it needs something to finish it.
I like the timings – it gives it a diary style which works well and I think she talks with humour about her situation.
There were some fairly sudden mood swings though. She goes from sounding lovey dovey, to angry too quickly. Maybe this is sugar induced mood swings, but I felt there needed to be a couple more sentences here and there describing her building frustration.
Also with the dialogue, go through and check that you have actions and dialogue of different characters on different lines. A couple of times I thought she was talking because dialogue followed her action, but it was Gabe.
Finally I think some comment about her work situation would add to this. She is obviously unemployed, playing computer games and thinking about food all day, right? Well this could add to her sense of frustration and lack of fulfillment. I feel the same way sometimes when I’m on one my long holidays. I have loads of things to be doing but I sometimes spend days watching TV, playing on the computer and snacking, and by the time my other half comes home knackered from work, I’m feeling tetchy and irritable and cross because I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything. If this is something that fits your character’s personality it would really add a bit more depth to the story. We need to understand why she is the way she is a little more.
weaveman01 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
You have some clear talent as a writer, with the descriptions and the showing the reader through the dialogue what emotions lay behind both characters. I would say though that it could be a little more fluid, I love the almost journal entry quality of the story, but mabe a little more cohesion. I want to know what happens, do they get married, does she lose the weight? I hope they are happy, love should be so much more than wanting to be with someone for what they look like.
thisisnotanexit reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
given your comments – which i take as proscription – i shall tread carefully, aware of what’s under my feet. this is palpably, searingly honest. however, in its current state, it is simply too unadorned. art and life are separate, and you can’t just go transposing one into the other.
the traditional objection to this piece, within the accepted remit of the short story, would be that nothing happens. i don’t mind this so much, but i still hold that its place you need something else: either you must demonstrate some facet of your character(s) or (and this is more difficult) you must write superlative prose.
currently, you demonstrate something like unmitigated misery – and it’s a hard read. liz’s narrative is practically suffocating, and there’s nothing to ease it along. i don’t mean that you should make light of any of this – no, not that. but – some of the most beautiful, elegiac things i’ve read have taken misery as their subject. expand a little – allow some elements of personality to come through in your prose. let that prose breathe a little. as it stands, it seems snatched and hasty, and short of breath. there is precious little art or artifice about it. consider. concentrate. make each word matter.
i do hope you find this helpful.
earthvirgo reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Woah. method detergent with bleach. Isn’t method organic and no-harm stuff? Does that jive? Perhaps Method is just designer detergent, and then that would make sense. However this very inconsistency voices the mix of contrasts and ideals of Generation Y…so in a way…it’s perfect.
mascara…parted lips..orbit gum : great! I love that. I totally visualized this.
I don’t know if you’re in California, but all the same--the experience of the generation, again--well described here. We’re consumers buying crap washing our laundry in laundromats—this says it all! Are we Wal-Mart/ Target nation or what?? Great.
Once again, you’ve nailed it with this. Diabetes? A real social ill (along with genetic problem) a sign-o-the times.
whipped>>wiped.
Wow. how sad????!!! Very intriguing. I want to read more! Your descriptive writing is so dead on. It just flows so easily, it’s easy to read, it’s fun to read, I could read a whole novel about this, the journey, the intimacy of the couple, it’s awfully interesting.
I hope you’ll write more :)
andersda reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m not sure about whether Liz is fighting to control her weight or grow into the BBW that Gabe is hoping for until the last few paras of the piece. It may have been me, I’ve been known to be a little thick, but I thought that that central issue was a little ambiguous.
“Gabes’ bag hits the dinning table with a bang” bags with a bang?
“and slightly glared” slightly is not needed
“BBWs…” does this mean big beautiful women?
“as the think pages” not sure what you mean here.
serenitylace reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
There is so much activity here it is hard to follow. It is a great start, but perhaps if you were to lessen the descriptions of the ambiance of the magazines and the room (not drop them completely but kind of make them more of a shadow) it might help the reader be able to follow easier..
Big_D reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice work, I could put myself in the story and be present. The subtle underlying feelings working in a relationship are intense. I can feel the struggle of making it work with Gabe and Liz, it is very real and therefore very readable.
juliadi reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think it’s great how you describe the scenes to a tee, great imagery. I think you are off to a great start, but I was a little confused at times about where I was in the story. I felt as thought I were jumping from one area to another. I think you can still do that, but improve on the flow. There were a couple of spelling errors that I saw…one I remember is “our” when it should have been “out” (He reached his hand out – I believe). I think that its cool that you are writing from experience, it makes the story real and believable. Good Job!
drycleaner26 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It seems to be a good story although some of the details are beyond my understanding. I may be too old to appreciate some of the thoughts.
“I’m leaning against my knees listening to the new creeks and groans of neighbors up, down and in between our apartment.”
I don’t understand “leaning against my knees”, are you praying? I assume the rest of that line means you have thin walls in your apartment complex.
In the rest of the piece you seem to be distressed because you have diabetes and you don’t want to saddle your husband-to-be with all your troubles. As you look at a magazine and see a pretty girl, you envey her.
The ending completely baffles me. Why are they angry? You may not be able to use this critque but I hope it helps you to look through a much older person’s view.
Showing 1 - 10 of 10
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 0 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: 3 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 3 | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |