Thanks for the review. Many people have bad experiences here, it pays to stay away.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Claire_D on Scotland
On the list of countries that milk their scenic hills and sprawling glens to the hilt, draining every last drop from the atrophied udders of William Wallace until his skin resembles the bloodied anus of a femur, Scotland comes top with honours.
There is little this nation will not exploit to keep its economy afloat. We thrive on whoring our castles to camera-wielding foreigners, on pimping our snow-flecked moors to expeditious hikers and renting most of Edinburgh out to Americans.
Scotland is an over-commercialised brat with a pretty face desperate to prove it has substance beneath its self-aggrandising poseur. The nation strives to divorce itself from England, convinced it can double its exploitation and make it on its own.
There are insufficient natural resources in this breeze-blocked grumpland to keep us buoyant. The gawping Japanese tourists are our benefactors, the rich American CEOs who purchase one third of the Highlands provide us with enough moolah to keep us in haggis pasties and grilled kilt sandwiches deep-fried in human organs.
In fact, it is rare you will meet a Scotsman upon your first visit here. The nation has been terraformed by affluent Londoners, bewitched yanks and enterprising immigrants. Our universities pride themselves in educating at least three Scots per annum.
The Scots are dwindling. To be Scottish now is a novelty. The dialect is to be giggled at for its coarse antiquity and bastardised by well-spoken Scots to portray the hoi polloi in self-satisfied novels. I laugh as I watch the thistle brigade scurrying around like manic elves, desperately attempting to patch up our busted pride with some runny glue.
I foresee Scotland becoming an Anglo-American land over the next century. Might I suggest changing the name to Scamerica? The links between Caledonia and America are evident. We gave the world television, and America turned it into a mind-sucking vacuum of boredom and exploitation. We followed suit.
We gave the world golf, the favourite sport of the idle rich who have had their sense of civic responsibility removed in favour of putting a ball around a green (that should be a public park) in a moronic shirt and hat. Americans come here to play and wear an array of embarrassing hats.
The point is… Scotland is the snivelling manservant of the West. It is corrupt, desperate and ill.
Sure looks pretty though, especially that new Starbucks on the summit of Ben Nevis.
Stay away.
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Keith reviewed Version 2 -
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Ah! Robert Burns me silk kimono
And the blasted tartan gives me fits
When updrafts give me goose bumps
In high latitudes where the kilt quits
I’ve been dublin’ as a Scotsman—
Chugging down his native brews
Glenmorangie is quite the mouthful
But, Johhnie Walker Blue will do
Great Scot! Both these are mellow
But my Claire, she’s up in flames
And another rant she’s gone brewing
Though distilled I think she’s tame
The proof of things is in the aging
Perhaps in some fine old oaken casks
Where perhaps some Sherry rested
Until finally decanted at long last
I’m tempted to ask about your natural hair color, though I have a sneaking suspicion already. Too funny, Claire. I’ve always wanted to jet over in that direction and browse around a little. Now that I know the place is crawling with Yanks—well, I might as well stay home! Udder than that—I rather liked this piece, though it set me ajar like a jazz tune performed on bagpipes. wink My dear Claire, I fear you may very well spontaneously erupt into flames!
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 2 -
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My favorite memories about Scotland are:
Walking all the way up that f’ing hill to the Wallace memorial to be told that it is shut – Why not put the sign at the bottom. A courteous voice follows us back down the hill as we retrace our steps. ‘On you go you English B~~~ds.’
I love the way ‘Mel Gibson’ got the Lead in Brave Heart. Lol an antipodean dwarf.
I love the grey pebble dashed estates where the grim pubs only serve tennants super. Reminds me of England.
Plastic Bagpipes.
Despite these happy memories I still love Scotland tho’.
I Like your satirical tone. As all ways you go too far. Lol… Keep going!
Deep fried Kilt sandwiches! – Rather funny.
This is nicely weighted tho’. Your style is so tongue in cheek that i think you do more to stimulate thought in the reader. Even if some of the things you write are outrageous I think that at least they engage.
CapnBlueballs reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi,
Helluva rant. As to the writing itself, I thought it was very good. You stated your case and then went on to give some compelling arguements to back it up. Your style is good, very visual with an easy air; enjoyable to read. Nice use of humor (be it bitter) to move the reader along. Well done.
As to the subject matter, I can only be sorry that you feel that way about your homeland. Perhaps if things are really that bad you should consider a move. Good luck to you and keep writing.
Dave
salparadise61 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a great little piece here, I enjoyed it. Brutally honest, very to the point. You dont pull any punches and you can tell you really feel strongly about the subject. It acts as not just a statement on Scotland but most of the world, especially America and other rediculously commercialized nations. Very well done would like to see more.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m so glad to know there’s a Starbucks on the summit of Ben Nevis. Being an American, I always look for one. I have other beefs with Scotland, but I’ll take your self-critical diatribe on board. Haggis is the most revolting “food” on the planet. That said, I’ve always enjoyed my stay – except that time we were turned away from a bed and breakfast because of our sexual orientation.
Proofreading notes:
the hoi polloi (no the: hoi polloi means the masses, so you have said the the masses.)
alexianx reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting rant, especially when you’re on the American tourist side of things and reading it. I can only hope the citizens in Dresden don’t feel the same when I come there to visit family some summers.
‘There is little this notion will not exploit to keep its economy afloat.’
What notion? Or did you typo nation? I’m assuming the latter, since it makes the most sense.
Also, why are Scots dwindling? Do you mean Scottish pure-bloods are almost non-existent now or that Scots who haven’t been completely ‘turned’ by other nations, keyly Britain and the USA, are becoming rarities?
~Nox
thisisnotanexit reviewed Version 1 -
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had me grinning like julia roberts in gluey dentures. well, i can’t fault your argument, so i’ll stick to saying that your prose is taut and snappy and funny, and i wouldn’t change a thing about it. the haggis pasty/kilt sarnie skit made me cackle, too, and i applaud anyone getting a boot in the balls of irvine welsh and james kelman. i query whether femurs have anuses, but i’m reasonably prepared to let you mix your own metaphors. you do this rant stuff well, and are most adept in your savagery. more, now, please.
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