Flash Fiction / A Faceless Horror (Analysis)

I enjoyed this because to me dreams/nightmares have a quality all their own that adds levels of fear knowing cannot.  You sketch this very tense, trembling, struggling to survive atmosphere, and then you confront that atmosphere, facing it head on.  One thing I would suggest reversing is you talk about her dirty face, her hair, her lungs, her tears-after you talk about her feet being shredded in the very beginning.  So, you’d start with ‘Moonlight…dusty earth…didn’t remember crying.’ as your intro, and then you’d continue with ‘She ran, her feet…presence that was closing in around her.’  I think it would flow better, and now seem quite so choppy between those parts.  
Additionally, when somebody’s drowning they’re gulping in water, so when they get to the surface they have to expell that water before breathing steadily.  I would suggest ‘gulping in air, like a man dying of thirst’ instead.  
Overall, you really build the adrenaline well, and make you paranoid for the girl, and want her to run, yet at the same time respecting her for fighting.  Nicely done!

I this was very well written and had just the balance of dramatic tension to keep the reader blood pumping.  You also have wonder way with imagery. If felt I was running through the woodland with her.  Great work.  I look forward to reading more.

”...lying discarded…”  I’m not sure if this works.  It caught me up short wondering who in the world discarded these rocks and why.  

”...was closing in around her…”  Was it really a feeling of being surrounded, implying many presences from all directions, or was it a feeling of being “closed in on,” implying one presence bearing down on her?

There are few more things like those that I would change, but I guess what I’m having a problem with is the feeling of vagueness in some of the descriptions.  

Overall, I think you have some potential here.  What it needs is an end, though.  Also, I think there is a restraint in the language that doesn’t really convey her desperation.  Even though your descriptions say that she’s desperate, the feeling isn’t there.  The only answer to that is playing with the words, letting yourself get a little wild with them, and then seeing what works best emotionally.  You also might try writing it in first person, which is often more emotionally immediate.

Nearly every sentence needs to be cut down into two or three sentences.

Example: Her slender limbs were carrying her as quickly as she could force them in order to get as far away as possible from the presence she felt was closing in around her.    Possible fix – She fled the presence she felt closing about her. Her slender limbs strained to get her as far away as possible.

You do far more telling than showing.

Example: Her chest heaved sporadically and her lungs burned with a fierce fire as a result of the effort and the strain from her escape.    Possible fix – Her lungs burned, struggling for air.  Sometimes… most times.. less is more.

The scene is well understood but the prose is exhausting. Limit yourself to no more than one adjective per object, if that. This piece needs to be a good 100 words shorter.

I gave you a low rating for flash fiction, but only because it’s not much of a story. It is, however, an interesting dream. Out of curiousity, how many details did you actually remember from the dream? How much was made up for the story?

I would split this up into more than one paragraph; it’s hard reading a big block of text.

The last sentence needs internal punctuation.

You used two forms of the word desperation close together… I’d switch the word choice up, personally.

Have you ever considered writing a more fleshed-out story containing this scene? I think it’d be better than this stand-alone piece.

I, personally, really enjoyed reading this and wanted to know more :-). You descriptions were perfect and the last line finished it brilliantly, good work :-)

You left me hanging when she turned.  I can’t wait to read what she faces. Hopefully, you wont have another chasing dream to figure it out. This piece was very easy to follow. And, your imagery and sequence added well to your story. The only thing that stumped me was the word “fat” for tears.  I kept relating it to the character.  Although I never read of a tear described in that way, it did give a great visualization.  

Well written, any of the low ranks were a result not finished narrative. I love writing about dreams, you should continue it.