Young Adult / Winterhaven - Turning
I was unsure of how many days passed as I lay in the grass, but by the rising and falling of the sun, I believed it to be around half a week. For those three days, I lay in the meadow writhing in agony without the strength to move, with no food or water and my head filled only with thoughts of death. I prayed a coyote or bear would come along to end my suffering, but even late in the night when the animals’ howling and calls sounded very near by, no creature ventured close enough to so much as sniff at my vulnerable body. The August days no longer felt warm to me, despite the high summer sun in the sky; I shivered and curled into a ball in an attempt to reflect the cold surrounding me.
I knew that I was dying, yet had no idea why. I felt as though the air in my lungs was very slowly, teasingly leaking, unable to refill. Every bone felt like it were breaking and my muscles tightened and seemed to expand, sending excruciating cramps through my arms, legs and stomach; my skin felt dry and taunt, an overwhelming thirst was beginning to invade my thoughts. Every sense in my body was heightened – the trickling creek became a rushing river and animal’s running through the woods, their crying at night, screamed into my newly sensitive ears. I could smell the sweet, potent aroma of the wildflowers a dozen yards away as though they were under my nose, and while I could not focus on the sights around me, the sky appeared more blue, grass a startling green, and the sun’s light burned the sky with a brightness I had never seen before.
The most memorable was the pain. It shot through my body as regularly as the sun came up each day. But around my fourth day in the meadow, it all ended. I opened my eyes to the same highly altered senses, but the pain had vanished and I found myself able to move again. Only the uncomfortable, unwavering thirst remained. My desire to drink launched my body up from the ground and back towards the creek where I knew satisfying, cold water would be waiting, much closer than returning home just yet.
I felt my bare knees scratch against the rocks that lined the brook’s edge but felt no pain or discomfort. I had scooped up the muddy water and nearly touched my cupped hands to my dry lips when I spotted him.
David.
Just beyond the trees, on the opposite side of the stream lay an unmoving heap of my brother’s clothing, his arms sprawled out and dark, unruly hair mixing in with the dirt. Without the memory of moving from the water, I was by David’s side, his head resting in my lap.
Although horribly cut, bruised and unconscious, I could hear a faint beating from his heart struggling to hold on. He was alive. Relief surged through me and I placed my hand on his barely heaving chest.
“Davey, can you hear me?” I spoke softly to him, leaning close to his blood-caked face. I inhaled to speak again and was struck with an overpowering, wonderful scent.
Shaking my head vigorously, I stood and jumped away from David at an incredible speed. Not taking my eyes from him, I backed up, retracing my steps to the creek. Again, I scooped water from the brook, this time shoveling it into my mouth in an attempt to quench my growing thirst. Yet as soon as I swallowed the cool liquid, my stomach heaved violently and, although I did not know it at the time, I discovered I was now unable to consume anything other than warm, fresh blood.
Confused, I pulled myself from the creed and stood staring at David’s nearly lifeless body. The sweet metallic aroma still filled my nostrils and was now taunting me, calling out to me from across the stream. And as quickly as it had crossed my mind, I found myself back at my brother’s side.
The smell grew stronger and the beating of David’s heart, albeit faint, drummed loudly in my ears, it was an intriguing combination. The thirst increased and as my tongue flicked out of my mouth to wet my dry lips, it grazed something unfamiliar and sharp. Startled, I brought a hand to my mouth to identify the offending object. I was not prepared, however, to discover that it was a stationary piece; my finger moved across a long, pointed tooth.
My breath stopped short as I began to understand the only explanation – Father’s demands to be inside by nightfall, the cold body throwing me to the ground, attacking me; days of what I could only presume was a transformation, and my newly acquired dental fittings and the overpowering thirst.
I had been turned.
I was a vampire.
Absently, I felt at my fangs again, only to quickly pull back at a pricking sensation. A spot of crimson appeared on my finger and the coppery taste of blood hit my tongue, arousing me.
And that’s when my unfamiliar and uncontrollable instincts took over me.
Everything around David and me seemed to fade as I moved in towards his exposed neck. The only sounds were the cadence of his heartbeat and the short intake of his small breaths. Unwillingly forgetting my relationship with the person lying beneath me, I lunged.
David’s flesh, pink and tender, gave easily to my fangs and warm liquid flowed into my mouth. Immediate satisfaction greeted me as I continued to drink greedily.
You’re taking too much! Come on, Lilly, stop – you are going to kill him, this is your brother!
Thoughts raced through my mind and though I knew I should stop drinking, I did not so much as feel the desire to hold back. I felt a power and strength surge through me like an electrical current; the hold I had onto David stiffened and I dug my altered canines further into his throat, and with more force. I could feel the throbbing of his pulse quicken against my lips as his body panicked against the attack, yet still I felt no remorse.
When I finally pulled away, I felt dizzy and gluttonous, yet the power and strength I’d begun to feel earlier had spread through me and was now significantly amplified. I sat back on my haunches and gazed at David, trying to comprehend what had just happened. I licked my lips nervously, catching the few drops of blood that remained, and moved to touch David’s chest. It no longer had the slight movement it did minutes before and the light rhythm of his heart had ceased. The life had literally been drained from him; I had taken my brother’s life, the person I had loved more than anything. Both horrified with myself and slightly in awe of my sudden abilities, I turned to flee and was propelled just beyond the meadow on the hill leading towards my home.
I couldn’t very well go home now though. David and I had been missing for days and how our parents hadn’t found us in the forest was beyond me. But if I showed up at the door now I wouldn’t be able to control myself in the presence of two humans – or would I be able to hold back now that I had . . . fed?
Not willing to risk any more lives of those I loved, I turned and ran, unsure of my destination.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
I was unsure of how many days passed as I lay in the grass, but by the rising and falling of the sun, I believed it to be around half a week. For those three days, I lay in the meadow writhing in agony without the strength to move, with no food or water and my head filled only with thoughts of death. I prayed a coyote or bear would come along to end my suffering, but even late in the night when the animals’ howling and calls sounded very near by, no creature ventured close enough to so much as sniff at my vulnerable body. The August days no longer felt warm to me, despite the high summer sun in the sky; I shivered and curled into a ball in an attempt to reflect the cold surrounding me.
Sorry, kinda big, but I like it. This is a good beginning.
I felt as though the air in my lungs was very slowly, teasingly leaking, unable to refill.
Take out was and very. The second part, after slowly reads ackwardly.
Not willing to risk any more lives of those I loved, I turned and ran, unsure of my destination.
Okay this is a good ending, so far I love it. It was written well and never lost my attention. Good work
- add/view comments (0)
By the rising and sinking of the sun might sound better Every bone felt like it WAS breaking.
Very, very good first page. I felt i was in the meadow, dying. passive sentence: I felt my bare knees scratch against the rocks that lined the brook’s edge but felt no pain or discomfort: Revise. I felt the sharp jagged rocks of the brooks edge scrape my against my knees, but oddly i felt no real discomfort. A LITTLE MORE SOPHISTICATED LINE I THOUGHT. yOU ARE A VERY GOOD WRITER.REVISE; Just beyond the trees, on the opposite side of the stream,lay what appeared to be pile of rags, but as i drew nearer i realized in horror that it was my brother who was lying there on the ground…...
”
I don’t know that i would come right out and say”I am a vampire. Don’t be so obvious. Let the reader know he is a vampire by showing what the vampire did ok. Good start. Keep me posted Sandi
even though I dont know the order of your chapters I always enjoy reading them. I enjoyed this one because it showed how hard she craved blood. her willing to kill her on brother showed that once you become a vampire everyone is a meal. dont want to waste anymore creds…good job
I definitely liked this and quite honestly don’t see this necessarily as only for young adults. From here you could take this almost anywhere, though your description of Lilly’s attack on David was full of uncontrollable lust would lead me to believe that this will turn out to be a bit more mature than you intended.
One thing that bothered me, just a little was how you looked to describe the battle between her lust and her guilt. I think your words around the desire for blood are powerful, but the guilt part didn’t work for me. Perhaps a bit of rewording to describe how she should be feeling. Maybe how she looks at David with pity at first which turns into lust for blood. IDK, its up to you.
I’m looking forward to more on this story!
First of all Lexi, you have a fantastic voice. You really set the creepy tone for Lilly’s world nicely by working all the senses in.
My only nitpicks are minor grammar things that I picked up from working with various editors. Watch those semi-colons honey. From what I’ve learned, most editors prefer two sentences than the semi-colons. You can use them in small does, but don’t over use the semi-colons. Also, watch the use of the word could. Could use with other verbs like could smell, could touch, etc., pull the reader away because they aren’t direct verbs. It’s always better to be blunt and direct when it comes to verbs to make the action pop. I actually love to use really strong verbs like inhale for scent, raced and dashed for run, because they make the sentence pop and give the reader a full mental picture of the verb. Just a few comments and I hope they helped ;-). All in all, fantastic work and I can’t wait to read on and see what else you have in store for Lilly.
Wonderful job. You hooked me from the beginning and kept me intrigued until the end. I am now ready to read more and find out what happens to Lilly. Vivid details helped me see what was going on. Loved it!
Showing 1 - 6 of 6
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
