Thank you so very much for your comprehensive critique. It’s difficult to catch everything on a read through. I seem to have a permanent problem with coma placement. :) I’ve made a note of the problems you pointed out and will fix them as soon as I get some time.
I’m flattered that you like the story and character. Thanks again for you time.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Sorrow's Despair Chapter Two
Methods of Control
Huddled in one of Crass’ massive armchairs, knees against my chest, I tried to block the torrent of emotions coming from behind the locked office door. The Galactic Regulatory agents had arrived with in an hour after Gyrin had left. Shoving me in the chair Crass had ordered me not to move. A particularly nasty wave of hostility made me flinch. What is going on in there? They couldn’t possibly be arguing like that about me.
The door slid open and I kept my eyes averted, no sense in angering them further.
“You, get in here.”
Standing, I followed the officer into the room. One look from Crass and I knew things had not gone well. His normally bright orange skin was almost peach in color, a sign of stress in his kind. His aura subdued to the point it I couldn’t detect it. Very bad, this is very bad.
“Sit.”
The officer, another human, pointed at the chair in the middle of the room facing Crass and his desk. The other officer, also Ryithian lounged in the far corner behind Crass. Glancing over at Crass again, I wondered what was going to happen. He’d been under investigation before, but no one had lodged a formal complaint like this. He wouldn’t meet my eye. A sudden knot seemed to tighten in my stomach.
“I am Officer Tillek, and that is Officer Rynar,” he nodded his head in the direction of the Ryithian. “We need to ask you a few questions about what happened this morning.”
After looking at me for a long moment, he took one of the other chairs and setting it in front of me sat down.
“Listen son, I know you were threatened and you are probably scared, but I need to hear your side of the story.”
He has got to be joking, I thought to myself. That stupid snit was lucky he only got his arm broken.
Crass cleared his throat, “Show him the bruises Sorrow.”
Not bothering to contain the sigh as I stood, I slid the shirt over my head. Darkening nicely, the bruises were a stark contrast to my paleness.
Officer Tillek groaned, “Rynar you mind getting holo’s of this. Sorry kid, but it’s standard procedure. We’ll need proof of the injuries as evidence.”
I stood frozen for a moment, I did not want pictures of me on file with the GRC. Officer Tillek reached out to take the shirt from me. Snatching it back, I covered my face, anything to keep my identity hidden.
“Aw shit kid, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you. Just hang on we’ll be done in a sec okay?”
Puzzled as to why he seemed to think I was upset I almost looked up and then thought better of it. Most likely, someone my age would be very upset after something like that. If I let him think the incident had traumatized me, it might help. The subtle pale blue of his concern was more professional than personal. He’d seen this type of thing many time. Sometimes it had been much, much worse. I shivered and blocked the images swirling just below his conscious thought. He didn’t need to compare me to those beings.
“Gods and demons child! Where did you get this scar?”
“He doesn’t remember.”
“How in the seven hells would he not remember something like that happening to him?” Rynar growled from behind me. “It looks as if someone tried to cut him in half.”
Yes, and if I had been a second slower, she would have.
“Alright, I’m done. You can put your shirt back on.”
Sitting back down, I kept my eyes on the black tile floor. Eventually I was going to have to speak to them. Using telepathy to make them think I was talking was something I did not have enough experience doing. Most likely, they would sense that something was off, and if I was caught using abilities other than those Crass had registered-well I didn’t what to think about that. So, I needed to figure out what to say, mostly because I didn’t want to look like an idiot. While I had improved in my speech, most people still had a difficult time understanding me. If I didn’t already have words in mind, I would never get my point across. Clenching my fists I silently cursed Zulyekha and Drake. My enslavement to Fall Intergalactic and the couple running it had nearly killed me. My enforced silence had made sure that I was unable to ask for help or explain myself to anyone. I could think of several occasions where if I had only spoken up, things might have turned out very, very differently. The scrape of a chair on tile caught my attention. Officer Tillek had taken his seat in front of me once more.
“Alright, Sorrow is it? Sorrow, we need to hear what happened on that ship.”
Taking a deep breath, I began to describe Gyrin’s actions. I was still puzzled as to why he had decided to attack me. His actions seemed completely out of proportion to the incident. Crass had seemed just as clueless as myself. There had been no indicator in Gyrin’s thoughts as to why other than the overwhelming desire to see me bleeding on the ground. Why? What is it about me that set him off like that?
“Wait back up.” Tillek interrupted me. “He hit you several times before you retaliated. Why did you suddenly decide to defend yourself?”
“Crass said it was okay. I’m not supposed to touch the customers.”
“Why is that?”
Rubbing my fingertips together to generate a charge I reached out and touched his arm. He yelped and flung himself back.
“It hurts.”
Massaging his arm he stared at me, “I see that. So how was Gyrin not affected by you?”
“Nanoarmor.”
“That’s illegal, are you sure?”
I nodded, “It seemed that he was going to kill me if I let him continue. I could not allow that so I stopped him.”
“Yes, yes you did.” He sat back, his eyes guarded. Standing he addressed Crass.
“I’ll notify you in a few days if there is going to be a hearing. In the meantime, remember what we said about this, Crass. One more complaint and we will have to shut you down.”
The immense hangar bay was dark, the ships slumbering under a veil of security lasers and sensors. Row after row of transports, personal yachts, tugs, shuttles, runners and the occasional snub fighter tucked in their spaces. None of them measured over sixty feet long and thirty feet high other wise they would not all fit in the hangar. It took a good fifteen minutes to walk from one end to the other. Crass only worked on individually owned ships. Most of these were undergoing cosmetic work or sensor upgrades. He kept the black market upgrades in another hangar.
As I passed each ship, I would check to make sure it was on full shutdown. Sometimes the mechanics working on them forgot to shut all the systems down when they left. Nearing the end of the hangar, I stopped certain that someone was watching me. Expanding my awareness, I searched the hangar again. No one was there. The security system would not register my presence, so I should be able to sense any other beings in the vicinity while remaining undetected. Light flared along with a surge of energy. Where did that come from? Glancing around I realized I was nearing the end of the hangar there were only a few more bays left. The glow was coming from the very end. Maneuvering around a pair of lifts left in the walkway I got a clear view of the source. It was the prototype.
The whole ship was glowing softly. I blinked a few times. That can’t be right. Ships don’t glow on their own. And this is in the visible spectrum, any normal being could see it. Inching forward I reached out. Fingers skimming the hull I realized I could feel nothing from the ship itself. It might as well be a hologram. Startled I went to pull back. I couldn’t. My fingers were stuck to the hull.
-Foolish little being.-
What do you want?
-Release me at once!-
A burning sensation shot up my arm. It wasn’t me. It was an accident. Release me and I will see if I can help you.
-I will not. You will release me now.-
The burning sensation sharpened into a stabbing. I tried again to pull away and instead it jerked me forward.
-RELEASE ME.-
The words were physical blows driving the air from my lungs. It was going to torture me unless I found a way to free it. But how was I going to release it when I couldn’t get free myself. It had hampered my every attempt to study it earlier. It would surely try to kill me whether I freed it or not. I still couldn’t figure out what it was. Was it an energy being? Or something else?
What are you?
-I am . . . myself.-
Great it had amnesia too. Can you tell me what you are? Maybe then, I will understand how to set you free.
-You know not what you ask, youngling. Prepare yourself.-
I only had time to wonder what it meant before the noise started. The high pitched keening assaulted my senses driving out conscious thought.
I stood at the edge of the chasm looking out across the expanse. It was growing dark again. Yet there were no stars no sun in this place. Looking down where I perched on the edge I wondered what would happen if I let myself fall. No, that is what they want. Why they put you here. This is your punishment. To live in oblivion until you decided to end it. But I had been here so very long. All memories of who and what I had been were shrouded in a haze of redundant days. Food was plentiful and I had shelter from the occasional ion storm. Yet, there was no one to talk to or spar with, something I had gradually become accustomed to over the cycles.
Something sparkled and I turned to see what it might be. Nothing happened here that was not of my own doing, so this had my full interest. What happened next was beyond my comprehension. One moment I was standing at the edge of the precipice, the next I was slammed to the ground, through the ground. It was ripping at me, tearing me to pieces. I could not even scream. Instinct took over, shifting me from my physical form, but this object had a hold on me so deep there was no escaping it. Struggling only made the pain worse. Vision blinded by agony all I could do was wait for it to stop.
The tearing sensation stopped. The infinite cold of space caressed me, soothed my aching senses. Opening my eyes I realized something was horribly wrong. I was no longer in the nebula that had housed my prison. I was in a new prison, this one a small metal shell. A vessel. Despair seized me and I hid myself among the energy buffers, giving up my form to meld with them. It resisted my intrusion for only a moment. Then I was the ship and that was when I realized I had made a huge mistake.
“There he is! What the hell?”
“Sorrow, Sorrow! Are you alright?”
Dragging my eyes open, I tried to focus on the faces floating above me. Where was I? What had happened? Naia helped me sit up. The hangar kept trying to tilt to the side or spin out of control. Pain raced in shivers along my limbs.
“What happened? Have you been out here all night?” Naia’s concern bored into me.
Was it morning already? But I had just come out here and was double checking all the ships. Looking past the gathered mechanics, I could see daylight through the hangar bay doors. What is going on?
“Can you stand? Crass has been so worried, he’ll want to know we’ve found you.”
Standing proved more difficult than anticipated. I felt as though someone had been beating me while I slept. Naia’s gaze sharpened on me.
“You are hurt.”
Shaking my head only produced a bout of nausea. How could I be hurt? I hadn’t been doing anything. Wait, that’s not right. Peering at the prototype from under disheveled hair I wondered what that entity had done. Naia followed my gaze and gave a little gasp.
“You didn’t try to access it alone did you? Sorrow! You know better than that.” With a disgruntled sigh, she gestured to two of the men. “Hal, Sven I want that ship under quarantine until I get a chance to do a thorough inspection. I’m not going to have any of you getting hurt by security systems that are still active.”
Pulling me to my feet, she wrapped an arm around my waist to keep me upright. Although mortified by the necessity of it, I was relieved to have the help. She didn’t say anything as she helped me out of the hangar and into the main office. She didn’t need to, her aura was a maelstrom of concern, fear and indignation.
“Crass, we found-“ she stopped in mid stride muttering expletives I’d never heard.
“Well, what do we have here?”
“Just an injured mechanic, nothing to concern yourself with Mi’Lady.” Naia was shaking her arm tightening around me. She turned almost seeming as if she was trying to shield me from view.
Looking at the immaculately dressed woman over her shoulder, I could see no reason for Naia’s sudden terror. Crass looked horrified his eyes darting from me to the woman.
“Naia will you please take him to the infirmary.”
“Yes of course. Right away.”
She practically carried me out of the office. I kept my questions to myself until seated on one of the examination tables. Naia was avoiding my eye, banging around in cabinets for things she didn’t need.
“Naia!”
Startled she spun around sending pills flying.
“Dammit Sorrow!” She glared at me for a long moment, and then sighed her gaze dropping to the bottle of pills in her hand. “I’m sorry. It’s just that it was such a shock to see you like that. At first . . . at first I thought you were dead and it still makes me feel horrid to think about it.”
She wasn’t kidding about that, but she was also lying to cover up something else. She caught me looking at her and rolled her eyes.
“Fine, that’s not all. Seeing that –that woman!” She said as if it was an expletive. “She’s vile and hateful and conniving and just plain evil. I wish Crass had never done business with her in the first place.”
Could she be any blunter? I hadn’t sensed anything malevolent about the woman, but I also had a blinding headache. That and Naia’s own emotional outburst had been coloring the whole office. It would have been nearly impossible to sense anything but her while she was touching me.
“Here, you need to take your morning dose.” Looking down at the pills in her outstretched hand revulsion seized me. How was this any different from what Drake Fall had done to me? He kept me medicated and locked away unless he needed me. Yeah, but Crass doesn’t make you kill people. He just wants you to keep the peace at the shop and fix the occasional ship. But the principal is the same, I argued. I am still medicated and unable to use my abilities when I want to. You know you have a lot to learn about just living, never mind having a normal life. If this is the only price for an education, what is the harm? Sighing, I had to concede defeat to the inner voice. It was always more reasonable than I felt I could be normally.
Naia was staring at me a strange look on her face.
“Are you sure you are alright, you kind of spaced out on me there.”
Taking the pills from her outstretched hand, I nodded. As fine as anyone arguing with himself could be. That and I still didn’t understand why she’d had such a violent reaction to that woman.
“Who is she?”
“Who-is-she, not woosee.” She corrected me. “She is someone I hope you will never see again. She’s the owner of the Puri System and it’s outlying states. A criminal and a lowlife and if she ever even looks at you cross eyed I swear I’ll-“ She paused and gave me a wan smile, “Lets just say that I’m willing to use every means at my disposal to keep you safe and that woman is the farthest thing from being safe. That . . . that was Madame Jade.”
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Jacamo reviewed Version 1 -
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A most interesting alternate reality.Excellent character descriptions and story flow.Should be part of a larger story,if it’s not already.Good sci-fi twists and turns in the plot.Leaves the reader wanting to know more.Good job.
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catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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First, this grabbed me. I liked the way you hooked me. I was sleepy, and now I’m awake and I want to know more. Huddled in one of Crass’ massive armchairs… I literally identified with the character. I could see this, feel I’m huddled in that huge armchair. EXCELLENT!
The following are small “first draft” fixies that most writers find in their work. So, no prob with these. I gave a small explanations. The examples may be weak, but I hope they help.
...arrived with in an hour… Change with in to within.
Shoving me in the chair... Put comma after chair.
What is going… Change is to was. Keep in past tense to flow.
“You, get in here.” Need a dialog tag, for example: “You, get in here,” an officer said.
Standing, I followed the officer… This structure is confusing, perhaps I got up and followed the officer. (When following a person is walking, not just standing.)
this is very… Change is to was. I know this is him/her thinking. It keeps the flow of the story going to keep it in past tense.
How do these officers look, I mean uniforms..dark, green? You did a good job of explaining how Crass looks when stressed. But some more descriptions on the officers would add.
He wouldn’t meet my eye. Change eye to eyes. I thought of this guy like cyclops…one eyed.
“Show him the bruises Sorrow.” Put a comma after bruises.
Mainly, you need to watch out for grammar errors like that…commas.
well I didn’t what to think about that… Change what to want.
You also need to use dialog tags, I’m getting lost in this conversation, starting with: “Gods and demons child! Where did you get this scar?”
I like how this guy can’t speak well…great weaknesses, even though he has powers. Nice balance.
Yep, this is a cool story. At times, the dialog does need to flow easier, but you’ve got a great story. Keep writing.
Rugbyguy90 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good, i think i would have liked it more if i had a little background on whats going on.
CREEPSHOW reviewed Version 1 -
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again this is great… i love how Sorrow has no idea what a 14 year old acts like, like why someone would think he was traumatized from the beating… and that Crass, not even his species teaches him how to act more human… I seen on your profile that you draw>>> so do you have any concept art on these characters and places??? i would love to see some of your art work>>> I am dying to know more about the spaceship with the alien… again very enjoyable and fun to read…
bravis reviewed Version 1 -
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Finally! Some Sci-fi!!! I’m so bored on clicking on sci-fi/fantasy pieces and getting swords and sorcery. Bloody elves and wizards. Or ninjas. What is is with ninja fantasy pieces at the moment?
The only thing I noticed that broke the flow was:
A burning sensation shot up my arm. It wasn’t me. It was an accident. Release me and I will see if I can help you. – How much of this is this meant to be a thought? You need to put Sorrow’s thoughts in hyphens as well or else they become confused with the rest.
I also thought that you could put some more paragraph breaks and line breaks in here to differentiate a little more when there is a change of scene or a break in time. It’s a personal thing, but it helps follow the action a little easier.
Also check through the dialogue bits cos there were some occasions where actions of one followed dialogue of another. It wasn’t confusing to read as so often is the case, but it’s worth fixing.
Other than that I found this flowed very well. Lots of exciting dialogue and action. Good characterisation, especially of Sorrow – as you’d expect since it’s in first person – I thought she had real personality. Kind of withdrawn and secretly angry or frustrated, yet appearing innocent and child like. Very interesting.
The story is highly original and I liked her abilities – the sensing of auras was a good idea and a very clever tool allowing you to indicate the emotions of other characters (which is hard to do from first person and involved lots of facial expression descriptions which can be dull to write).
As for story, well I suffered a bit from not reading chapter 1, but I still followed what was going on I think – she’s some kind of superpowered yet controlled by drugs mechanic owned by this Crass person, and the ship has some sort of entity attached to it that was in prison and she somehow linked with it. Are they going to run away together and wreck havoc in the galaxy? I hope so. That would be fun to read – like that bit in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon when she beats up a whole tavern of men for fun.
Anyway, you have the high honour of being the writer of the first item I am adding to my favourites, and this is after over 200 reviews too. I actually genuinely want to read the next chapter. Keep at it – don’t let it fizzle out and die after a few chapters like so many of my projects…
RobinRenee reviewed Version 1 -
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The story was out of my normal genre read, and it took me a bit to figure out what was going on, but I have to say the longer that I read, the more I enjoyed the story that you wrote. I’m more like the type writer who needs to be critique, so I’ll leave that portion of your work to those who know that part the best.
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