Oooh that’s great the way you structured that! Thanks!!
Poetry / The Brink
I burn like a over-dried twig with too many crusted leaves; twisted and frail….
I ache like a piece of twine that has been twisted too tightly
The air I breathe like a wet rag..Sodden…dank….cold…
This cocoon of flesh torments me: I want to claw off every piece of my skin, snap my tendons, burst my veins and break my bones…
Can’t fight, can’t win…Like a cornered deer… A snared fox….A caged sparrow….
My heart is fluttering, pumping, hurting….
Nothing eases the constant assault on my senses…
Every sound is like thunder, my music is too loud…The speakers are blown…Muffled, scratchy…Buzzing in my ears..but I if I turn it off the silence consumes me and I want to scream until my throat is raw…..
I hide behind a smile and a sarcastic song…
It’s a song of desperation…but no one hears it…There is only me…
No one knows what lurks within me..The strain..The fear…The panic etching away at my core.. Every thought tears at me…Gnaws at me….Like termites…Hashing away…
I smell putrid decay..I scrub the walls and scour the floors, but it is still there…The stench of too many things undone….Rotting away, feeding like a parasite…Crumbling my whole world down around me…Wet, wasting…moldy….
Death holds no charm for me…I know there is no comfort to be found beyond, just another crushing void that rivals my present state only in it’s finality, but sanctuary is denied to me in life…I am caught between two worlds that desire me not…and I have no lust for them either…
My passion has turned to ashes…spilling like many disappointed grains between my shaking fingers… The creative spark has fizzled out to smoke and emptiness…Will I find it again? If I find it will it be of any use to me?
I am Bound…Blindfolded…Harnessed….
My joys are fleeting, my anticipations brief….There is no joy left in me..Only a pathetic wasting like parchment-thin flesh pulled over too many jagged bones….
Sleep eludes me: I long for the ecstasy of dreams..Where my loneliness; my emptiness is banished, and the world I long for is revealed to me and I can embrace it with the frantic arms of an hungry lover…but sleep evades me….Even my dreams are a torment, for in their absence…Outrage is left behind… Burning hatred for everything…A boiling unease, and steadily mounting anger that threatens to consume me….
Is there no hope?
Would I recognize it if there was??
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nails29 reviewed Version 1 -
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“The speakers are blown…Muffled, scratchy” that’s a good description of death. you have too many images for any cohesion, too many analogies. you don’t need all of them. you couold take a few of these images and write poems about each. pace yourself, everything doesn’t have to be said in one poem.
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PrettyHateMachine reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a very striking way of describing things, and I understand the feelign you tried to convey entirely. Well done.
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very discriptive and your use of adjectives is great. The only thing that may need work is your structure. For example:
Going from this:
“Can’t fight, can’t win…Like a cornered deer… A snared fox….A caged sparrow….
My heart is fluttering, pumping, hurting….
Nothing eases the constant assault on my senses…
To This:
“It’s a song of desperation…but no one hears it…There is only me…
No one knows what lurks within me..The strain..The fear…The panic etching away at my core.. Every thought tears at me…Gnaws at me….Like termites…Hashing away…
I smell putrid decay..I scrub the walls and scour the floors, but it is still there…The stench of too many things undone….Rotting away, feeding like a parasite…Crumbling my whole world down around me…Wet, wasting…moldy….”
Your emotions are coveyed beautifully. I enjoyed the imagry and feeling. Your use of analagy is wonderful. Work on your structure. Other than that, its great.
Obiewon reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad;you use a nice variety of descriptive vocabulary to convey the overall feeling of the poem. It is not in the style that I am accustomed to but I can appreciate it none the less.
BAMBI reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very powerful, it encompases the feeling of hoplessness that so many people feel it is amazing. Aside from a few grammar errors and some rather overly extended lines, this is pretty good.
feithline reviewed Version 1 -
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I find it difficult to respond to this as poetry, and feel pulled toward a more personal response, which is probably not what you were looking for. With that said, this was moving, but very abstract. I wanted more concrete language, more effective use of line breaks and fewer of these: ...
Good effort though. You’re emoting well through language, and that’s good to see.
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