Young Adult / E.J. Horowitcz- Vamp Slayer- Chapter One (Analysis)
Chapter One
How does a fifteen-year-old boy go from geek to vampire slayer in less than a year? I don’t know, but I’m trying to figure it all out. Other than the wooden stakes made from the finest Hawthorne branches, vials of holy water, and hand weights in the corner, my room still looks the same. Still have my laptop and computer on the desk next to my bed. Comic books and graphic novels are neatly arranged in alphabetical order on the bookshelf.
I glance in the mirror. Although my arms don’t look as scrawny as they once did, I still look the same. EJ (Short for Elvis Junior. I still wonder what my parents were thinking when they named me that.) Horowitcz, still the skinny little man with messy red hair, thick framed glasses over my blue eyes, and too many freckles on my face. I sigh and turn away from the mirror, wondering how things got so weird on me.
Of course, I really do know exactly when and how. It all started the day I came home from school to find the house trashed and my parents not there. Some of you won’t care to hear my story. But I think it’s pretty darned exciting. It involves the above mentioned vampires, my weird mom and dad, and the beautiful girl next door.
Yeah, Peter Parker had his Mary Jane Watson and I have Noelle Marie McGrath. To tell the truth, I never wanted Noelle getting mixed up in all this once my life took a turn into the Twilight Zone. I suppose Peter Parker didn’t want M.J. to get kidnapped by the Green Goblin either, but that’s just the way life is.
Six months ago, I watched Noelle as she stepped out of Ryan Mitchell’s silver convertible in her driveway. She kissed his cheek and I frowned remembering how we used to play hide-and-go-seek together. Noelle didn’t have time to play hide-and-go-seek once the boys started noticing her golden blonde hair and the way it bounced and glimmered in the sunlight. She ignored me once boys started telling her how beautiful her bright blue eyes are.
If she would have asked me, I would have told her that her eyes reminded me of the ocean, with those tints of green swirling through them. She didn’t. Noelle ignored me once my asthma kicked in and I had to quit the soccer team in seventh grade. She became a cheerleader, more interested in her own little cheerleader world and clique than her neighborhood friends. So, I sat up in my room and wrote poems about her, but chickened out from giving them to her.
“Hello, E.J., quit staring.” Missy Ryba, girlfriend of my best friend Danny, waved her hand in front of my face. “Noelle doesn’t even know you exist …” Missy sighed and glanced at Noelle. “At least not any more.”
Danny, who stood next to Missy, ran his fingers through his spiky black hair and shrugged. “It’s weird how we were all best friends at one point in time. Remember all those kickball games in the street?”
I smiled. I was the self-proclaimed captain of our little kickball team, which consisted of myself, Danny, his sister Diana, Missy, Missy’s brother Marty, and Noelle. We’d often play against the kids on East 119th street, the next street over. Noelle’s boyfriend, Ryan, was once a member of that team. They used to be our worse enemies.
Frowning, I replied, “The kickball days couldn’t last forever. I always knew there’d come a day when Noelle McGrath would be too cool to hang around with us. I need to get inside guys. I have too much homework to do and then I have to practice for our big academic meet against Turtle Creek.” I flashed both Danny and Missy a grin. “Are you two ready?”
Danny beamed back and wrapped his arm around Missy. “As ready as we’ll ever be. With you as our captain, I’m sure we’ll make the state finals this year.”
I gave Danny a high-five and winked. “I hope so. Later, guys.”
I watched them as they walked across the street together. They really did make the perfect couple. Missy’s long dishwater blonde ponytail bobbed in the wind. She stood a good foot shorter than Danny, but they were both happy together and I’ll never regret encouraging Danny to ask her out after Missy and I split up. We dated for only a month. I took her homecoming freshman year and then we both decided we made better friends than a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
I think I always knew she secretly had a crush on Danny and she always knew about my feelings for Noelle. Missy kept trying to convince me that Noelle didn’t deserve, “a good guy like me.” But I always thought it was the other way around. Noelle didn’t deserve a geek like me, but that didn’t mean I could hope … and wish.
I opened the door and headed to the kitchen like I always do afterschool for my afternoon snack. After all, I am a growing boy. I cannot possibly be expected to train for the academic team and complete my gobs of homework on an empty stomach. Now here’s where things got really weird. I noticed a broken glass and blood on the kitchen counter when I set my backpack there. There was blood on the floor too. Looking back now, I wonder how I could have missed that trail of dried crimson on the white linoleum. I slammed the fridge door shut. The metallic scent filled my nostrils as I hyperventilated. I reached for my inhaler in my backpack as my pulse raced. My fingers trembled as I reached for the cap, but I tried to remain calm as I inhaled the medicine. Heck, I knew I had to stay calm for the inhaler to work.
Now I could breathe fine, but my stomach churned. Not from the blood, I mean I had seen more gore when I watched The 300. I think it was fear and dread that made my stomach heave. Was my Mom somewhere in the house bleeding? I had to find out.
“Mom …” I shouted, frantically following the droplet trail into the dining room. “Dad … Anybody? H-hello?” No response. Just one lonely, trembling voice echoing through what seemed like a vacant home.
The chairs around our oak dining room table were knocked over. I raced up the stairs and nearly fell down them when I spied the huge man blocking my way. This dude’s complexion was ghostly white. His beady eyes, dark as coal, narrowed as they met my gaze. He flicked his long dark hair, over his broad shoulder. I wanted to run, but I also wanted to know what this scary man in the dark trench coat did to my parents.
“W- who are you? Where’s my Mom? She should be home now. Where’s my Dad?” Though my heart still raced, I grabbed the scary looking dude’s arm. “What did you do to them?”
“Nothing, E.J.,” the man replied in a calm and even tone. “However, if you wish to save your parents, you must come with me.”
“Yeah, right. I don’t care if you know my name. I’m not going anywhere with you.” I turned to run down the stairs to dial 911, but the man grabbed my arm. He dragged me down the steps while I struggled to free myself from his grasp. “Let go of me! I’ll call the cops. I’ll scream so loud that all my neighbors will hear. I’m sure Noelle’s parents will call the police when they hear me.”
“No,” the man firmly replied. “The police and your neighbors cannot help you.” He grabbed my shirt collar and stared me down. “Listen to me closely. I am the only one who can help you find your parents. The vampire queen, Kali, has them both.”
“Funny. Very funny. Okay am I being Punk’d? Where’s Ashton Kutchner? Hey Halloween’s coming up, maybe this is for a special Halloween episode.”
The scary dude shook my shoulders. “This is no joke. You must do as I say. Kali will kill your parents.”
“No … No … you are crazy. I’m calling the cops … Leave me.” Oh God, this scary looking dude had fangs. I kid you not. Saw them when he smiled at me and they didn’t looks like the cheap Halloween costume ones either. They looked real, like they could tear into my neck. I freaked out even more as I wondered if he could be telling the truth and that caused a major flare up of my asthma
I wheezed as I stared into his dark, almost hypnotic eyes and for I second I thought I was gonna stop breathing all together. I could almost feel my airway closing as my trembling fingers reached for my inhaler. Steady, calm down and inhale, it’ll help, it always does. I took one long puff of the medicine and another, never losing contact of Mr. Scary Vamp Dude, until I could breathe again, until I could speak again.
“How do I know I can believe you? I’ve seen my house, but how can I believe some vampiress took my Mom and Dad.” I frowned. “How can I save them … if it’s true that is. I’m just a geek with asthma. And if I was to believe you …” I cocked my brow. “What the heck would a vampire queen want with my parents anyway? My mom’s just a housewife. Dad’s just a network engineer.”
The man swiped the inhaler from my grasp. “You don’t need this. You are stronger than you think. My name is Adrian Cortessi, and I have known your parents long before you were born, my boy. They are not as they seem to be.” Adrian smiled and I swear those fangs glistened in the light. “Your mother and father have been able to hide their true identities well.”
I glared at him. “I’m not your boy so don’t call me that. I need my inhaler, Mr. Cortessi, please.”Adrian sighed and placed the inhaler in my open palm. I continued, “Okay, what the heck are you telling me about my parents? I … Look I need you to be straight with me if I’m gonna believe you. Are you vamp too and what’s the deal with Mom and Dad?”
“I am a dhampir.”
I remembered what a dhampir was from the Castlevania games and from a report I did in my European History class on Romanian vampire legends. “Okay … I suppose you’re trying to tell me you’re the son of a mortal and a vampire who hunts vampires for a living?”
He squeezed my shoulder so hard that it hurt. “You will believe that because it is true …” He narrowed his hawk-like gaze. “My boy. And you will believe every word I tell you about your parents because that is true as well. Now where to begin.” Adrian exhaled and then blurted out, “Your mother is a powerful sorceress and healer from the sixteenth century in England. Kali, offered to save her from being burnt at the stake after she was tried and convicted of witchcraft, but your mother, refused. We waste time, I know, but you need to know the full truth. Kali placed a curse upon your mother. She shall live forever as a young beautiful woman, but as punishment, she shall only marry a demon –your father is truly Caim, a demon prince, son of Lucifer.”
I rubbed my aching temples. “Okay, number one … there is no way Dad’s a hellspawn. He’s Jewish for crying out loud. My mother … okay so she’s a practicing Wiccan, but there’s no way in hell she was born in Elizabethan times.” My knees wobbled as I took in Adrian’s words and I leaned against the wall and then sank to sit on the top step. “No way … my mom and D-dad …”
“Love you very much. They love each other too. Kali wasn’t pleased when her minions found them both. She wanted your mother to be miserable and instead she found true love.” Adrian knelt beside me, lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. “She will destroy them both if we don’t stop her and then she’ll come looking for you.” He rose to his feet. “You’re mother sent me a message. She said I am to protect you from Kali, no matter what may happen to her.”
I leapt to my feet and met his gaze. “How do I know I can trust you?”
“If you want to see your parents alive again, you do not have a choice. Kali won’t stop until her quest for vengeance is satisfied. I’ve seen her at her worse and I know what she can do. Will you trust me?”
“I …” I glanced at the top step, my pulse quickening as I noticed the blood droplets staining the white carpet runner. “I suppose I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Adrian shook his head. “And what about my friends … Missy, Danny, even Noelle … Could this Kali bitch hurt them too?”
“Watch your mouth boy.” Adrian swatted my head with his huge hand. I ducked out of his way and Adrian smiled. “You have fast reflexes and they will suit you well in our mission.” A pensive shadow fell over his expression. “Yes, I do think Kali would strike at your friends if she could, if only to show spite toward you and your family.”
“No … I have to warn my friends. They might not believe me, but … Oh heck, this sucks. How can I watch out for my friends and still save my family? I don’t want anyone I care about to get hurt.”
Adrian offered me his hand. “We must cloak those you care for in light. It will keep the dark away.”
I wanted my friends and family to stay protected, so I took his hand. I mean, what other choice did I have?
“We must depart without haste. Kali’s minions will return for you soon. I shall take you somewhere where we can find the weapons to defeat her and shall make sure you know your enemy better than you know yourself.”
“Guess I don’t have a choice. Take me with you and show me what I need to do to get my parent back.”
Adrian did just that, although I wasn’t expecting to suddenly be transported out of my home in a flash. And I certainly didn’t expect everything that happened after that.
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I like this start overall and where it appears to be heading. I admit that EJ’s reference to himself as a ‘skinny little man’ doesn’t work. I doubt any guy would ever refer to himself as a ‘little man’, even a boy. That’s a mom’s expression describing her son :) maybe just the ‘skinny dude’?
The Spiderman reference was good since it made me curious on how Noelle could go full circle to being EJ’s ‘Mary Jane’.
I think the reference to ‘300’ was interesting since it shows the desensitizing effect of violence through media, but again sets you up to re-sensitize EJ through an intense and maturing life experience.
I also like the way you have EJ being a bit cocky with the wisecracks, again pointing to his own denial of the ‘real world’ and what is about to happen. Then you balance that against Adrian’s more serious effect.
I think the tone switches aren’t as smooth as they could be, though in the overall story I see you looking to transform EJ through a life changing experience so I am not sure if I would alter it too much, maybe some fine tuning.
Well I’m off to read the next chapter right now.
Hope my comments are useful to you!
Thanks!
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On page 3 there was a typo; But I always thought it was the other way around. Noelle didn’t deserve a geek like me, but that didn’t mean I could (should be couldn’t here) hope … and wish.
I liked the way it flowed. never any disruptions in the storyline.
I think that you are well on the way to becoming a published writer with this one. Grammar is good. Very well written. The characters seemed real, well as real as a vampire can get I guess. :) Keep up the good work. Would love to read more of this soon.
Well it was an interesting first chapter, and I’m interested in it for some reasons. One of the smaller reasons is why exactly a half-demon grandchild of Lucifer would have asthma…but that will, atleast I hope, be answered later.
Well, I’ve found someone writing the polar opposite as I am. So instantly I was interested. You should really check out my page and read the Winterhaven pieces I have posted. They are sporadic and the story is way out of order, but I can only write bits and pieces as they come to my head so. . . oh well. But I was happy to find someone else writing the same genre with actual talent. :)
I like your writing. You are a descriptive writer just like I am. And, personally, I think those are the best and make for the most interesting and successful stories.
I was slightly surprised with your transition from talking about his friends to entering the house and finding the blood, ect. . . . The sentence seemed just a bit too light-hearted. ‘Now here’s where things got really weird.’ I think maybe I was expecting something a bit more serious or foreboding. But it’s not as if the sentence is bad or ruins anything by any means. Just my thought. :) And the rest of the piece was actually more light-hearted than serious and foreboding anyway, so it does fit it some sense. And I say some because it seems like the tone of your writing does switch back and forth a bit. Most of it seems to be pretty light-hearted, like I said, but there are blocks of it that do get pretty serious. While I understand that there are parts that need to be serious, you may want to try to stay in ‘your’ style and tone of writing while doing those serious bits.
I could be totally wrong about this, and it’s not even a big deal at all, but isn’t the movie called just ‘300’, not ‘The 300’? Pretty sure it is. . . ? Good flick.
’We must depart without haste.’ – Pretty sure you mean with haste. Typo? :)
’Kali, offered to save her from being burnt at the stake after she was tried and convicted of witchcraft, but your mother, refused.’ There are a few places where you have unnecessary commas, which can make a story a bit harder to read. This sentence is a good example. Of course I usually get irritated when people on here comment about grammar and punctuation and spelling so I’ll stop with that. That’s what editors are for after all.
I really liked that you did your research (I’m talking about the dhampyr reference. Well done.
All in all, this was a quick read that left me wishing it were longer, and it was done very well. I particularly appreciated the fact that you left the story hanging in a way that could have been the end of a chapter, but it wasn’t choppy and didn’t leave me wondering what the hell? So many people on this site just end their stuff abruptly and don’t at least tie up the piece they posted. I was excited to see another vampire piece on here, but let’s face it, it’s tough to actually find writers on this site that you like and actually like to review. I hope that you post more, and hope you check out my stuff, let me know what you think – especially since we are pretty much writing the exact opposite of each other. :)
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