Poetry / Idol

I like the first stanza; it draws the reader in but i cannot wrap my mind around the ” stony trees.” i know it is metaphoric but i cannot make it work for me.
The thought will seize” What is the thought, love? Make plainer

Do these things exist” What things, holy divinity? Make plainer

What is them?  Expound on who them is.

“charred and scalded” too much going on here. the descriptions don’t jive. Charred would work by itself.

“This only happens if it didn’t.” What are you saying here? What is “this?”

Once you told me you could smell me..” How did his smell differentiate? What did he smell like?

You’ve touched the idol.. and now you ONLY want to taste it?). Very potent expression but who is the idol? Tell the reader so that he /she can understand what this is about.

I like the angst of this prose. I like the images. You are good at description. Here is the problem i am having. The images lead off into more questions and by the end of it, i am left wondering what i have read. What does it all mean?
You could fix this by connecting these images to concrete thoughts. Symbolism is the earmark of poetry, but the abstract must jive with the concrete. I have left some images for you to ponder. Some questions to answer that might make this a terrific piece. Good luck, Sandi  

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January 25, 2010

by SomaNihl

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Most of my work is somewhat… abstract for the purposes of self preservation, you aren’t supposed to know, you’re just supposed to want to. It’s like writing a diary in code, in case someone reads it. I would be more interested in what these words made you think the feeling was, and I thought it was pretty obvious that “these things” were “god-like and unspoiled divinity”

January 25, 2010

by SomaNihl

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26	F	United States	January 25

Most of my work is somewhat… abstract for the purposes of self preservation, you aren’t supposed to know, you’re just supposed to want to. It’s like writing a diary in code, in case someone reads it. I would be more interested in what these words made you think the feeling was, and I thought it was pretty obvious that “these things” were “god-like and unspoiled divinity”

January 25, 2010

by SomaNihl

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3	0.0% (0 votes)	16.7%

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26	F	United States	January 25

Most of my work is somewhat… abstract for the purposes of self preservation, you aren’t supposed to know, you’re just supposed to want to. It’s like writing a diary in code, in case someone reads it. I would be more interested in what these words made you think the feeling was, and I thought it was pretty obvious that “these things” were “god-like and unspoiled divinity”

January 25, 2010

by oknapp

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48	F	Salem, IN	March 13

Ambiguous might be a better definition. When one is abstract, one uses only the most important words or descriptions to get to the point. I asked you what it meant and you told me nothing. So what? Pretty obvious to the writer but err Greek to me. It is me and other readers that you want to impress. Right? If we can’t solve your riddle then why should we bother going any further. No? As i said, a poem or any written word must have a level of understanding. For instance if you had described a purple dog or a green submarine without giving us a little hint of what you meant then the prose would have been mute. Right? A poem or story is suppose to read like a conversation that a reader can join. I love ambiguity and use it myself but i always leave key words or phrases so that most readers will get it. When a reader doesn’t get a work it often leads to anger and frustration. Ever thrown a book across the floor when the ending doesn’t meet the beginning? i did not malign your idea or try to change it. I asked you to make some things clearer so that the reader can enjoy the end product. Sandi

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I really like this poem. I sometimes get a little sick when I read poems that do a lot of rhyming, (though I do that as well, lol.) but sometimes I just want to read more. Poetry is about emotions, and it should come from the heart. It shouldn’t matter if the darn thing rhymes or not. Most of my poems posted here are of the traditional rhyming kind…simply because I haven’t had enough guts to post my “real” poems, yet. So it is refreshing to read this and enjoy it. There was one spelling mistake I noticed though you might want to fix.

“Do thees things exist only in minuscule perfection?”  I am assuming that “thees” is supposed to be “these”.

My favorite part of the poem was:

Stony trees on a marble sky.

I’m not sure why it was crossed out, was it effect or simply something you decided did not fit in? But that line is really solid it seems to symbolize stubborness, courage and strength…and of course cold, unyielding and distant. Thanks for sharing.

This is pretty cool imagery: “seize you like mad spring squirrels”.  He he.  Great.  Thees=these. Yeah, aforementioned hell being taken out, but left in the ending leaves the reader backtracking looking for it, which is OK but, where is it? Very good poem.

I can’t understand the strike-throughs in the first two lines of your poem. They occur sometimes with my work, and are invasive. Or … did you want them there?

For me, this poem truly starts with its last ten lines. The “Once you told me you could smell me the second I came out of the shower,/that’s when I knew….” line is wonderful, and what follows seems to want to build from there. I was thinking that the parenthesis should come off, though. The question also works well, but to me it should be declaratively spoken, not as an aside.

_~*~
Shawn