Thats okay because I didn’t want the write
to be obvious. It was basically about you and I
as the tee shirt. Conformity of opinions by others,
fear of failing.
Poetry / Please Help Me Tie My Shoe (Analysis)
Boundless emotions hung on clothesline,
Wooden pin pinching – clips my sides,
Hung to dry; soul evaporating,
Beside black and red tee-shirts,
Blue jean dripping touching my white sleeve,
Staining the corners of my existence.
Irony in summer’s honeysuckled breeze,
Pasting flavor into the pores of my being,
Stiffening fibers, cardboard image,
Daisies teasing golden-capped tops,
To far below to be touch,
Held to high to be reach.
Sun piercing bleached grey skies,
Wind blowing my neck from side to side,
Fear falling dirty concrete slab,
Wind weakened wooden pin losing its grab,
Oak tree leaves laugh waving at me,
Held by last corner,
Moments to be free.
Somebody please help me,
In flight, a feather falls, slow drift,
Gently caressing waves the air,
The concrete slab draws near,
My neck fills my body with breath,
Now prides poked out chest,
Only minutes before I am through,
One regret…....
I wish I had asked someone….
To please help me tie my shoe!
Written By DamondQuinn
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
anatomyofamuse reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This poem needs to be edited, you use to when it should be too :
“To far below to be touch,
Held to high to be reach.”
It also appears as though you might have meant touched instead of touch in that stanza as well.
The piece was very visual you had a good amount of metaphor, the end was really disappointing compared to the rest of the poem. The last stanza made me cringe because it totally destroyed what the rest of the piece brought me. You might consider a bit of a re-write in that regard. All in all, the piece was pretty good. Keep writing.
- add/view comments (0)
10pfrw06 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I was somewhat confused by your meaning of your work, but I like the length of your lines as they seemed to flow very nicely.
AthenaofStarlite reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The clothes hanging on a line is a really clear, obvious-in-a-good-way image. Though it is a bit cliche, I think you did it more than justice.
However, I don’t like when you stuck in random phrases, e.g. “cardboard image” in the lines “Pasting flavor into the pores of my being,/Stiffening fibers, cardboard image.” It only interupts the flow and doesn’t add anything special like a riveting image or a heartbreaking metaphor.
I liked it though. Good use of language and form. I’d like to see more…
DorisAnneBeaulieu reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The flow of it needs work.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Is this about watching your clothes dry and a sneaker falls off the line? If it is it was very good. If it isn’t then I will say you are being much too obscure and need to let the reader in a bit. If it is about drying clothes then I really like it. This is pure poetry, taking the mundane and turning it into something of meaning and intellectual mystery. I think it needs just one subtle hint near the beginning, something to help the reader get grounded in the metaphor. But really, very nice.
muses_own reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow! This piece has a great pace and really puts the reader in the moment. There is some amusement and almost an irony in the last set of lines. The light rhyme is playful and engaging. Overall the tempo of the piece spoken aloud fits. Very good!
rach31 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i really liked this one.The wording was good and i thought it was quite clever.I look forward to reading more of your work.
neawaia reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I had to re-read this a number of times as it seemed to have two meanings in a way. But the use of words and analogies is fantastic. Keep going!
vampyrchik reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I did like this, though I admit I am a little lost on where the tieing the shoe comes into it… maybe if you knew how to tie your shoe you wouldn’t have fallen? but if you were using the analagy of being a piece of clothing on the line, they don’t have shoes to tie, and it is circumstance and a grip not tight enough (of the peg ie a loose link) that causes them to fall.
I was a little lost though on what you were trying to say, though I think I may have gotten there in the end. The point is, that if someone was going to just give this a quick once over read and you asked them what it was about, they would probably either have no idea, or would just say “washing drying on a line”.
A very thought provoking piece. keep it up.
firemaidenphoenix reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
The images in this poem are refreshing and memorable. I can see those “wooden pins pinching” and the feather falling. One mistake I saw, and it is a small one, is in the second stanza, where “To far below to be touch/Held to high to be reach” should read “Too far below to be touch/Held too high to be reach”, and also in that line you may want to consider using touched instead of touch and reached instead of reach. Still, this is a great poem and I’m very glad I got the chance to read it!
Showing 1 - 10 of 10
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
10 Reviews 11 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 47 Times
Skipped: 5 Times
Ratings & Rankings
