Poetry / HEROIC SELF-DESTRUCTION (Analysis)

i rated low on clarity which isn’t a bad thing as i think the lack of clarity is the point throughout the piece. You wanted to show someone inebriated with alcohol and this comes across effectivly. The lines about the shirt i started thinking this guy is on drugs or drunk and a few lines later this was confirmed. Good solid piece of writing evoking all the right emotions in the reader.

The abrupt ends of sentences in your poem is, I think, very effective in simulating intoxication.  Interesting technique and interesting question in the last two lines. A….potent…...read….

It is fashionable to say that people who die young are ‘victims.’ People who wipe out against a powerpole of a tree as victims. You have said it as it is, stupid binge drinking goes nowhere & even those who survive are crippled.

I should be tempted to send this to AA if I were you. It’s absolutely clear in its depiction of the kind of false heroic cameraderie that exists in every downtown at the weekend. Good for you. Tell it like it smells.
How did we get to be so stupid?

Regards,
Bill
www.billallerton.co.uk

Hi, I gave you all eights on your ratings except for clarity, in which I gave you a ten.

This would be a very good poem to place for reading in school publications, especially in the Junior High level and would be a good life’s lessons learning tool.

I see some problems with question marks and other issues in placement of punctuation, but that’s easily fixed.

Great message in this poem that would benefit others.

Best wishes to you and to your future writings.

Rhonda

A very apt depicition of beeing drunk. It evokes lots of memories. My first drunkness and so on. You are on the good track. Keep on writing.