Thanks for the notes, there are many bits I am planning on finessing. Hopefully you will give me feedback when I get it done. As to your question what does he eat. I think I need to be more specific. He eats regular food same as you or I, he just couldn’t say pull a living carrot out of the ground and eat it; however, he could say eat the contents of a bowl of steamed carrots, as it is no longer a living organism
Short Story / Transparency (Analysis)
His eyes were busy elsewhere when the space above his shelf shifted. The movement caught his attention and drew it. What was that? His scrutiny caused his chest to clench with a strange sensation of unease, but revealed nothing amiss. Still…his feet turned him and as he moved closer to his shelf, he started to feel more foolish for his anxiety, but there is no harm in looking.
As he drew nearer the overbearing normality of his surroundings made him question if he had even seen anything at all. He smiled at himself. How the mind plays tricks…Yet, something was missing. What it was, he could not say, but the thin veil of dust that graced his shelf was incomplete. And whatever had disallowed the dust to settle there was not. Eyes asked mind a question. A shake of head, no doubt something had been there. But what was it? Somehow that seemed important. In unconscious fashion he connected the missing item to the motion that had caught his attention. Perhaps whatever it was fell? That’s reasonable.
As he moved to stoop, to check the floor, a voice from a distance called for his attention. “I’m coming” he called to the air. He stood up and made his way to the door, the gossamer strands of the moment passed by. He shut the door and left them behind forgotten.
Do I exist? A troubling question that has been cut down as often as it has sprouted anew. Arched eyebrow paired with smooth fingertip perched upon lip tapping. He had definitely seen me. At least he had acted as if something had grabbed his attention. After all this time this was the closest to human interaction I have been.
Sharing the room with no one, he looked down at what he held clenched in his hand, he still wasn’t sure why he had taken it. It makes me feel alive. He had heard a criminal say that once. While what he did might be considered theft, he supposed, he generally considered it borrowing since he had never kept anything permanently that wasn’t his to being with. And if he was being completely honest returning the items was his guilty pleasure. He loved to see the expression in the person’s eyes. That moment of confusion where the mind struggled to understand how something they knew hadn’t been there when last they searched now was in plain sight. He generally stayed long enough to watch the gears of their mind work to rationalize and explain it away. Mystery is so distasteful isn’t it? There must always be an answer. Perhaps it was bitterness at being a mystery to himself that compelled him to visit the sensation on others. Perhaps I am still codependent on others… The irony didn’t escape him.
He hadn’t always been this way though, whatever this way was. At first he had thought he was a ghost, but he couldn’t remember dying, or even being very sick. And having never encountered another like him he had largely discounted this assertion. There were far too many dead to exist alone. And I must exist, I perceive don’t I? An old joke that brought a whisper of a smile to his face. But I wasn’t always this way either.
He had felt the eyes of his mother watching him with a quiet expression he never could define, but it felt in a strange way like home whenever he saw it. He had felt the stinging reproach in his father’s hand when he had grown too stubborn. His hands remembered the feeling of soft skin, the warming peace that could only be found in another’s arms.
He could even remember his name, but now without any apparent peers, its value had become largely nostalgic. I still have a family. At first he had felt a savage sort of peace by their side. The pain of separation, the frustration of distance, commingled with their proximity. Time after time he would reach out only to have his plaintive fingers pass meaninglessly through them. He had; however, stayed long enough to watch their worry over his absence, open into a gaping wound of fear for his safety. Until it finally faded into scarred over acceptance. Those days he tried not to remember, no man should live to see his own funeral.
In the days following he had tried in vain to get his brother’s attention, through various means; but realized the result of his efforts would not be discovery, but rather the collapse of his brother’s sanity. I had to leave, what choice did I have? There seemed no way around it. So with no little trepidation he had left them behind. I still visit, he laughed quietly, giving myself guilt trips, that’s wonderful.
Once grief had been laid aside, he had found it difficult to get used to being able to hear and observe, and not be able to communicate with those around him. He had seen the movies, but the realities, as was often the case, were quite different. For example he wasn’t incorporeal; he couldn’t pass through walls, though that would be convenient. He ate, he slept, he could feel the mild warmth of the earth and the wet dew on his feet, even the autumn leaves sounded his passing. It seemed he could touch or move anything, as long as it wasn’t a living soul. Neither man or beast, nor leaf of green.
But why, and how? He could remember his youth, and he was aware of his present, but what was in between, that’s the question. Nothing that he could recall, just an uncertain breaking point followed by a disorientation that reminded him of the time he had woke up after a mild concussion. Time had passed, but there existed no marker to define it. No matter how many times his mind’s fingers had groped through the murky depths that lay between, nothing would arise, no apparent answer to the only question that mattered.
I am so tired of talking to myself. An act he had once associated with being on the nearer side to crazy, he now did without thought. Perhaps I am insane, and someone is watching me sidle down the road, slack-jawed empty-eyed gaping at the heavens. Unintentionally his hands clinched into fists, and feeling the pinch he was reminded of what he had taken, an unrefined nugget of copper, veined with green. It reminded him of something. He’d hold onto it until he remembered, then he’d bring it back. He was no thief.
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aprilsmiles reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the motions that you take us through. I assume the first moments are the encounter of the brothers? Did I read it wrong? The thoughts of gossamer strands leaves the bond unseen one is left behind and one exists.
It is a good start, this is most certainly a book that one would pick up and not be able to put down until it was done. Good job, and sorry it took so long to review.
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mountianGranny reviewed Version 1 -
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“the thin veil of dust that graced his shelf was incomplete” Great visual and word usage!
“And I must exist, I perceive don’t I?” Everything after the comma adds confusion and is already understood. If you like the thought it arouses, use it elsewhere.
“brought a whisper of a smile to his face” LOVE THIS!!! This is a powerful phrase. :-) Well done.
“but I wasn’t always this way either” This is the FIRST intrigue for me as a reader. The preceeding was necessary as a scene setter, but also it was sing-songy and expected. This makes me as a reader ask “why?” ”what’s different?” ”how were you before?” and “will you change again then?” Good job! Keeps a reader reading!;-)
“He could even remember his name, but now without any apparent peers, its value had become largely nostalgic” Great idea… but center phrase is unnecessary. I’d lose it as it pulled me from the story.
“savage sort of peace by their side” If you want this stronger, remove “sort of” it distracts from “savage peace” which is very strong.
“He had; however, stayed long enough to watch their worry over his absence, open into a gaping wound of fear for his safety. Until it finally faded into scarred over acceptance.” This is awkward. Powerful words, but hard to stumble through. Maybe just rearranging the phrases will make it flow better.
“no man should live to see his own funeral.” This phrase caused a conflict with me as a reader and stopped me cold in my tracks. I had to go back to this character’s introduction to verify that “he/she/it” didn’t know they were dead.-—-> ”At first he had thought he was a ghost, but he couldn’t remember dying, or even being very sick.”
“Perhaps I am insane, and someone is watching me sidle down the road, slack-jawed empty-eyed gaping at the heavens” Nice word-picture. :-)
“nor leaf of green” Don’t go poetic on the reader unless you started that way and will carry it out for the entire piece. Just stay simple. :-)
“It reminded him of something. He’d hold onto it until he remembered, then he’d bring it back. He was no thief.” I love this! I would definately end prolog or chapter here. Very nice. :-)
I like your usage of words, though try not to get bogged down in unnecessary descriptions and author’s intrusive remarks. Becareful of switching from “he” to “I” too often.
For a story “idea” (which reads more like a wonderful draft), I am intrigued and would like to read more.
wildbluefaerie reviewed Version 1 -
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notes written as I read:
Shift in tense. “there is no harm in looking” WAS
and then later = “A troubling question that has been cut down as often as it has sprouted anew” HAD BEEN and HAD. Be very careful about staying in the right tense!!
I think there are some more errors, but it’s hard to tell without the italics – it might be that they’re right, but since I can’t see the italics you’ll have to discern that for yourself.
This sentence is interesting, but how exactly does scrutiny cause his chest to tighten? It’s not his scrunity causing the unease, but what he’s attempting to scrutinize, am I right?
Again with “overbearing normality.” The word “overbearing” seems out of place. I think “obvious” or “complete” would more effectively get the point across. “Overbearing” seems far too strong.
I think, at this point, it comes across that you’re trying too hard. You’re trying to hard to be creative and original in your word choice, and instead of coming across creative and original, is coming across stilted and strange. Try simplifying it a bit – there’s nothing wrong with using common words and pairings. Things like “he called to the air,” “the gossamer strands of the moment” especially sound like you are trying too hard to be artistic.
Now, “A troubling question that has been cut down as often as it has sprouted anew.” This is good. That’s a great analogy and it really works – just don’t overdo in the rest of your work.
I can’t make heads or tails of this sentence “After all this time this was the closest to human interaction I have been.” I think what you mean is, “After all this time, this was the closest to human interaction I had been.” And even there, it’s still a bit awkward. Again, try simplifying.
The next paragraph is great – where you talk about returning the items. You’re in your element – you didn’t try to be fancy, you just wrote what you wanted to say, and it came out well. That’s exactly how the rest of your piece needs to be. The mystery will create itself – you don’t need fancy language to do it for you.
Ha, good reference to the Descartes, there! I like it.
“The pain of separation, the frustration of distance, commingled with their proximity.” Great sentence!! Bravo.
Just curious – if he can’t touch man or beast, leaf or green, what does he eat?
Over all, great job! I really like what you have here. It’s an interesting concept, and you create your character well. The problem with overly fancy language goes away once you move from your human character and the writing becomes excellent, though there are some punctuation and grammar errors that need to be fixed (all minor). I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I think this would make a great prologue to further storytelling. Keep it up!
84princess reviewed Version 1 -
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Well it was truly interesting. I liked the narration. It honestly isn’t something that I would personally be interested in reading on a typical day, but you do have talent. I think it was written well. Keep up the good work and I hope you go somewhere with your writing.
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Great. Reads well. Pulls the reader in. Here are some ideas/suggestions/thoughts:
1.Expand on this, don’t quite understand the guilt part (maybe you could use that as foreshadowing to further pull the reader in—“I still visit, he laughed quietly, giving myself guilt trips, that’s wonderful”
2.This line “He had seen the movies, but the realities, as was often the case, were quite different” might be less confusing if you say “In the movies death is always portrayed…..” or something like that. I was tripping over that sentence.
3. I love this concept Neither man or beast, nor leaf of green.
4. I like the character. His confusion and his quest can/could be endearing. But I need a little more info and a more satisfying close.
hypatia reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a difficult read for me, very introspective and not that engaging. You need to work a bit more on character development. In your notes you state that this could be a prologue. I think you need to work on your opening line something wham, bam, to grab the reader and set the tone/interest to continue. Some writers start with a conflict/event. I was given the advice ‘would I waste my last few minutes in the hour of my death reading this’ with my own writing no, but we should aspire to do better.
You have a unique voice but at times it reads a little stilted, I have offered something different for you to consider this is in no way a slight against your style just an alternative POV.
Still…his feet turned him and
Still he turned his feet and
had disallowed the dust to settle there was not
had not allowed the dust to settle was not there
As he moved to stoop, to check the floor, a voice
He moved forward in a stooped position to check the floor. A voice
that wasn’t his to being with.
that wasn’t his to begin with.
co-dependent (question mark at end as is a question
phoenixwmn reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay—I know this is uncomfortable, but you asked me and I am therefore honor-bound to deliver you the best, the truth of how I see your work. There is no room for head-pats here and I don’t give them. The work is too important for those superficial considerations. Having made that disclaimer, I get on with it:
The first note I want to offer you is your skipping back and forth between first and third person; it is terribly distracting and does not do your story any service. You must deliver your character’s thoughts through a more defined device.
Because of this ambiguity, it is unclear at the story onset who is talking; the brother of the ghost or the ghost himself.
“How the mind plays tricks…Yet, something was missing”. This sentence does not work and having inserted the ellipse there only muddles it further. Try ” Something was missing;how the mind plays tricks!” or like variation.
“What it was, he could not say,” Try this without the comma until after the word “say”. You do this often in the story. Try to exercise more discretion in punctuation. Punctuation is like spice in cooking:a little will accentuate beautifully and too much will sour your dish.
“He could remember his youth, and he was aware of his present, but what was in between, that’s the question”.. You are switching tenses here, going back and forth between past and present tense. This sentence must be uniform in tense. This sentence is peppered with unnecessary commas. Try “He could remember his youth and was aware of his present, but the in-between was his dilemma.”, as example. Too many commas break up the flow of a piece; you shoot yourself in the foot by distracting the reader and separating thoughts that shouldn’t be separated.
“He could even remember his name, but now without any apparent peers, its value had become largely nostalgic”. This is a beautiful sentiment and well-expressed. It makes the reader feel the magnitude of your character’s loneliness. You could lose the un-needed comma after the word “peers”, however. I wonder if you grasp that all these commas stop the reader’s thoughts and separate the images you are trying to present, to the point of making the images un-cohesive. This is a wonderful sentence and a very effective message-bearer. I congratulate you on it. Now you must get all your sentences as well-crafted as this one; let it be your standard.
“Perhaps I am insane, and someone is watching me sidle down the road, slack-jawed empty-eyed gaping at the heavens.” Here is a gorgeous description, poignant and powerful, a man ( or some sentient entity) pondering his own sanity. In this instance, where you could use punctuation to great effect, you do not; a notable break from the style of the rest of your piece. Try “Perhaps I am insane and someone is watching me sidle down the road, slack-jawed and empty-eyed; gaping at the heavens”. You do this amazing sentence a disservice by not couching it properly. You can do this; I know you can.
You clearly have tremendous vision and brilliant imagination. What you do not possess, at this juncture, is a good working command of grammar and punctuation. I would urge you to take pride in the craft of writing and master the foundations, because without them you will never build a substantial house.
I see such talent in your ideas, and you possess a wonderfully expressive vocabulary. You need only provide these tender birds the framework of basics they require to survive, so they may fly and soar. You are your own worst enemy in this piece. I would so LOVE to re-read it, re-worked with proper time and attention given to structure and basics. You have real talent, no question. Now you must cowboy up and master the fundamentals, that is, if you are as serious about your writing as I think you are.
Thank you for the honor you have paid me by entrusting your work to me.
Best Regards: Susi
Deathsbuttercup reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this story and I believe that you should continue to workon it. Watch out for grammer errors, I believe that a bit more imagery is need to fully engage the reader. Overall I believe that your work show promise and I look forward to sseing more of your workin the near future.
Ashentara reviewed Version 1 -
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The constant change of pronouns is a bit weird – sometimes you lose your reader.
The subject matter is VERY interesting though, and you write well, your style is easy to read, very professional.
One thing though – more action! It was all descriptions, self-analyse, etc.. but it can get lengthy. Just my thoughts.
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