Stage Play / O Come All Ye Hams (Analysis)
Characters:
Paul: male
John: Paul’s friend
Jill: John’s wife
Setting:A small room with a small table. Two chairs are around the table. Cutlery and plates are on the table. Each scene begins with narration over a dark stage after which, lights. Scenes Two to Five begin the exact same way except for the number of characters entering.
Scene One
John: (Offstage, Narrating) Blessed bacon. Ham. The ham god has blessed us with much ham. And we thank thee.
(Paul enters right. In his arms is a brown cardboard box. He makes his way to the table and sets the box down on the ground. He reaches into the box and takes out two sets of paper napkins and sets them by the plates. Reaching in again, he emerges with two paper party hats, sets one on the table and wears one. He sits on a chair. From his pocket he produces a party whistle. Gingerly, he inspects it for a bit and then places it into his mouth. He blows into it. He puts it back down. Paul reaches into the box and takes out a length of rope. He fashions it into a noose and tests its size on his head. It fits. Humming the tune of Happy Birthday to Me, he climbs carefully onto the chair and then onto on the table. He attaches the end of the noose to the light fixture above the table. He is afraid of falling. He places his head into the loop of the noose. Then he smells a smell, sniffs the air. Smiles. John and Jill enter left bearing gifts and ham.)
John: Anyone hoooome? Paul? What are you doing all the way up there Paul? Come on down Paul. (in a slight sing-song way) We’ve brought ham. Doesn’t it smell heavenly? Happy Birthday Paul!
Jill: Happy Birthday Paul! Many happy returns of the day! Oh it’s a lovely day. And look! We brought gifts. (She hands him a small wrapped present. Paul stares at it.)
John: We brought gifts! Like wise men from the east. Look! Happy Birthday Paul! (John hands Paul a gift too. He takes the gift and decides to get off the table and sits on a chair.)
Jill: I baked this just for you. Honey glazed. Your favourite. I put in extra special honey and glazey. You can almost taste the bees.
John: It’s a wonder we weren’t swarmed by bees. They’re a nasty breed. I could smell that wonderful meat all the way at work. And I knew, oh, Jill’s making her special honey glazed ham. And I knew it was just for you, Paul, you.
Jill: It was my pleasure.
John: Our pleasure. And I’ve written a little something for you. (He produces a folded paper from his pocket, unfolds it, clears his throat, and begins reading.) O what can we say of our dear friend Paul? Why he’s ever so tall and strong! Surely the gods must gasp when he falls. Pray we never do him wrong. Our dear friend Paul.
Jill: Happy Birthday!
John: It’s your ham, my friend. It’s your ham.
(beat, Paul starts eating the ham.)
Scene Two
John: (Offstage, Narrating) He was a pleasant man, he was. He was never the slightest rude, or demanding, would always come to the defence of a lady, should they be in distress. Maybe a bit forgetful, but a… a pleasant man.
(The next day, same setting. Paul is standing on a table, again wearing a party hat. The noose is still attached to the light fixture above the table. He smells a smell, sniffs the air. John and Jill enter bearing ham.)
John: Anyone hoooome? Paul! Oh Paul… Happy Birthday Paul! What are you doing all the way up there? Come on down. We’ve got ham. Doesn’t it smell delicious? Happy Birthday Paul!
(Paul looks around confused.)
Jill: Happy Birthday Paul! Oh, did you think we’d forgotten? Many happy returns of the day. Oh isn’t it a lovely day? I’ve never seen such a lovely day. Look! We brought ham!
(He stares at it.)
John: I see it stimulates your nasal receptors well! It shall arouse thy tongal glands too!
Jill: Your yum zones!
John: Oh do come on down from there Paul. Smell it. (John raises the plate of ham to Paul. He decides to get off the table and sits on a chair.)
Jill: It’s for your birthday! Honey glazed. Your favourite. I put in extra special honey.
John: And glazed to perfection. Straight out of the oven! Smelt that thing the very second I stepped in my door I knew Jill was making her special honey glazed ham for Paul.
(Paul starts eating ham.)
Jill: (insincerely) It was my pleasure.
John: (unpleasantly) And I’m the Queen of England.
Jill: (beat, then sarcastically) God save you.
John: Would you like some tea?
Jill: Just had some but thank you your majesty.
John: You shall be knighted tomorrow.
Jill: Hear, hear.
John: Tomorrow, ye shall be known as Sir Jill.
Jill: That’s Sir Captain Jill for you.
John: Ye shall be knighted twice then, Sir Captain Jill, at a second ceremony.
Jill: Ye bestow me great honour, your majesty. I shall curtsey many times.
John: (unpleasantly, sarcastic) Ah! You like titles! We shall knight thee thrice then, and then again and again, sir sir sir sir, captain captain Jill. Come as we celebrate this great liar. (small pause)
Jill: (softly) …once would be enough.
John: (unpleasantly) Familiarity breeds contempt.
(silence)
John: (cont’d) I love you.
(pause)
Jill: Yes.
Scene Three
John: (Offstage, Narrating) He was an awful time keeper. To him a day was as long as a year. So we played along. Ham after ham, day after day after day. It was fun at first. Just a harmless hamless old man.
(The next day, same setting. Same start as scene two.)
John: Uhh… hey Paul, here’s your ham. Do get off the table, I’ve nowhere else to put this.
Jill: Happy Birthday Paul! Oh, did you think we’d forgotten? We brought ham.
(Paul decides to get down and sits. John puts the ham on the table.)
John: Yeah. Happy Birthday. Yeah—
Jill: Did you think we’d forgotten? We’d never forget your birthday Paul.
John: Never. Would never slip my mind.
Jill: Impossible. Even if we tried.
John: Tried our best even. Futile.
Jill: Inconceivable.
John :(aside, sarcastically) Sadly…
(silence)
Jill: Oh the ham. Have some Paul. Doesn’t it smell wonderful?
John: (slightly mocking, sarcastic) Like always?
(silence)
John: You know, millions die each year.
Jill: Yes, thousands of funerals every week.
John: Which is about five nice people every year.
Jill: A shame…
John: Would it matter if it were six?
(silence)
Jill: Oh, read that rhyme you wrote John.
John: What can we say of our friend Paul? Is he ever so tall and strong? The gods must gasp when he falls. Pray we never do him wrong. Dear friend Paul.
Jill: Our dear friend Paul.
John: Enjoy your pig Paul.
Scene Four
John: (Offstage, Narrating) Forty hams later he was a hundred and sixty years old. It had to be ham. Bacon, steak, or spam, wouldn’t work, just wasn’t the same.
(The next day, same setting. Same start as scene two.)
John: Hello Paul. (silence) Jill’s not well. She’s got a hangover.
(silence, John holds up the meat closer to Paul. Paul gets down and sits.)
I’ve brought your ham.
(silence)
Sweet smelling red meat.
(aside)
Can’t stand it.
(silence)
Any thoughts?
(silence)
No?
(he mimes taking out a notebook, flips, and mimes writing a letter)
Dear Paul, How do you do? How are things over in (pauses, looks at Paul) that chair? I hope you’re doing well.
(silence, he stops miming)
A ham walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies sorry, but we don’t serve food here.
(silence)
I like how you used to smile. We used to go for the movies every week. I’d watch one, and you’d watch it with me, and we’d sometimes sneak into another. You’d always say we’d get caught and spend the rest of our lives in a cell but I’d still make you sneak. And we never did get caught. You used to say, I looked like John Lennon, because I would grow my hair out and it was a mess. And then you stopped talking.
(a short laugh, silence)
Have you ever felt like slapping someone?
(silence, he continues miming and finishes the letter) Love, John. P.S do you ride ponies? Can you fly?
(silence)
Can you do anything?
(silence, then with a slightly angry puzzled look)
Do you even know who I am? Do you know who I am? Some strange stranger, celebrating your birthday. Do you know what day it is? October the seventh? Do you know when your birthday is? (he picks up the whistle, beat, then sort of sadly smiling) Then wh-why is it your birthday? No Paul, it’s not your birthday. (mocking, sarcastic) Happy Birthday Paul. I’ve been waiting ages, just for today. Happy Birthday. It’s your day today. It’s all about you. Why don’t you wear another party hat Paul? Why don’t you have some more honey ham Paul? Why don’t you just climb up there, PAUL? Oh do try to stay seated at all times during the ride; we wouldn’t want you hurting yourself. (matter-of-factly, imitating) You don’t keep pets over sixty years John. (mocking, sarcastic) No, they eat too much and stink up the place. Oh, look, I’ve acquired a miserable stray. What can I say? Of my dear friend Paul? Why he’s a lump of useless, a smell in the wind. (rising anger) Do you smell that Paul? (points to ham) Do you smell that? Does it remind you of someone? Does it remind you of anything? Makes you think but I guess you just don’t know. Ooooh trick-y trick-y. All PAUL knows now is the smell of ham. Honey glazed ham. Eternities spent thinking of sus domestica. Settled into death. Here lies the ham man, in his tattered suit, to be forgotten forever. What day? What day was it again Paul? I’ll see you. Happy Birthday Paul. (he blows the whistle at Paul’s face)
Scene Five
Jill: I always expected Paul to someday reveal himself a cyborg. Or an alien. Or a cyborg alien with four eyes and giant metal tentacles. (laughs) I’m just kidding.
(The next day, same setting. Same start as scene two.)
Jill: Hello Paul. John’s not coming …again. But here’s Jill!
(salutes)
Look at me! Here I am! Here I am with your ham! Come sit back down here, (as if speaking to a little child) you won’t get any ‘til you come down! (laughs, Paul comes down and sits)
Smell it. It’s a divine smell. Just like me mum used to make. Mmm… Oh but her’s was better of course.
(beat, laughs as she remembers)
I remember, she had a little poem she used to say while she baked in the kitchen brushing honey over the meat, or sometimes, just to amuse me. Our ham which art in our pantry, hallowed be thy name. Thy flavour come, thy fill be done in our bellies, as it is in our tummies. Give us this grace your lovely taste. And fill us our hunger, as we devour. And lead us not into greens, but deliver us from beans. For mine is the honey, and the glaze, and the ham, forever. Mmm… She was quite the poet.
(Jill laughs and nods. She thinks for a bit then starts humming. She closes her eyes and moves side to side to her humming of ELO’s Mr Blue Sky.)
Well I’d love to party the night away Paul, but I’m quite busy today. Just a ton of work. But I might be here tomorrow! Or maybe not. Aaaanyway Enjoy the rest of your ham, okay? You can keep the plate. I’ll see you when I see you.
(Jill pats him on his cheek a little too hard and exits left humming. blackout)
Scene Six
(Paul is on the table. He waits an eternity. He starts humming the tune of Happy Birthday to Me. He touches the noose then places his head into the loop of the noose. Blackout, the humming stops.)
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Six variations of the same situation in satire.Each showing that Paul is suicdal on his birth day,but really wants to be rescued by his friends just in time.The psycological tone for Paul is “somebody please show me that you care’Except for the final scene where perhaps his friends don’t arrive to save him.Life scenarios can differ.A good one act stageplay.
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enjoyed this… i have no idea what’s REALLY going on and i find myself not caring all that much – because it was just so enjoyable and even perpelxing…
i have one criticism… i’m not a fan of scene 2… i just didn’t get it – i didn’t find it either thought-provoking or amusing… it kinda seemed like filler to me… it this were my play, i’d rewrite scene 2…
this piece has an almost surreal feel to it – and i like that very much… even when it ended, i found myself imagining several other scenes as it this scenario was a never-ending loop that goes on forever… (that’s a compliiment, by the way…)
over-all, wonderful writing… it left me wondering – “who ARE these people? and why are they doing this?”
and anything that makes me wonder, is a good thing…
You definatly have the structure part down. You even did the easy (but somehow most forgotten) part of properly setting the scenes, down to the last detail, to include lighting… I was/am very impressed!
The dialogue seemed realistic and believeable (another thing many novice play-writers forget). It is apparent that you know what you’re doing! Your discriptions of the actors actions is great, including direction of movement and speed. The dialogue helped progress the storyline evenly, not too fast, or (as I always fear when it comes to reading plays) unbearably slow.
“A ham walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies sorry, but we don’t serve food here. “
Adding an original (or not often heard) joke into a play can help the reader/audience connect to the actors… wonderful!
And to end it… I love the idea, absolutely love it. I think I’m actually going to go out and buy every pork product now… mmm, ham.
In the prologue part of scene 2, you use the word “they” as a singular pronoun. This is an error, and the word should be replaced with “she,” or the word “lady” should be pluralized to read ”...defence of ladies, should they be in…” Whichever version reads better to you.
I thought this was really spectacular. I liked the way that John kept making sarcastic remarks to show his distaste for Paul, then when Jill wasn’t around he really let his facade of friendliness fall. I may be reading more into this than you intended, but with the biblical names, (John and Paul), the comment about the “wise men from the East” (directions are proper nouns, don’t forget to capitalize East) and the mock prayer at the end, I read this as an allegory about the behavior of Christians, with the ham symbolizing the body of Christ of the Eucharist.
You conveyed a dark humor very well.
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