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Poetry / Untitled Tanka 2 (Analysis)
tubes, wires
a forest of noises
past midnight
like Caesar you were born
to cross the Rubicon
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cnguyen reviewed Version 2 -
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Tanka or not, I liked the rhythm, and for me that’s all that matters. The first three lines have special appeal to me – beautiful for the vagueness of whatever they were meant to convey. But I pondered for a long time and still could not understand the last two lines. This is my problem I believe, not yours. However, when we are asked if we like a particular poem (or any work of art), whether or not we can understand it plays a big part. But this kind of review will not tell you whether your poem is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I can say though that it’s well crafted. Does ‘you’ refer to yourself or to the thing that you are describing? Perhaps providing a little context will help – but may be you wanted to see if the idea comes through without any contextual information?
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wise2owls reviewed Version 2 -
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Is the Rubicon a river that`s almost impossible to cross? This tanka is powerful. Not being aware of what a tanka is aside from a Japanese form of poetry this prose is power and peace in one. This seems to be how this reader feels. Thank you.
tia_logic reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh, Pat you know I’m bad at these. This evokes a feeling of hospital.
I like the way it feels, poetically, but I don’t really…
Sorry :)
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t feel equipped to comment on the form, but it seems to work to me … and I particularly like the “forest of noises” image, which conjures up strong memories of maternity suites I have known!
Also , while not usually a fan of the use of classical images in modern verse, this one does make sense. Is “Caesar” meant to hint at the nature of this birth?
MaggieMinardi reviewed Version 2 -
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I like it quite a bit. With the tubes and wires mention, I initially went towards end of life, but that has more to do with my own life currently than the poem.
My only concern is that a mention of Caesar can be a gray area. Power and success, yes. Betrayal, certainly. This might be deliberately placing that uncharted water ahead of the blank slate of a child, the depth hinted at there. Wow, if you did that deliberately, that’s genius, and a little bit dark, too, but very intense.
Congratulations.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this because it made me think of me watching late night tv while having my laptop on my lap writing and also having my wife next to me listening to her radio playing Soca and Calypso.
And suddenly…
I kill off a character I really liked in the story…
And I will not bring him back even if I wanted to…
The story works now…
And off it goes.
Strange how your words brought those images to mind.
That is how strong this was for me.
I would cap the first word, period after wires, cap a,period after midnight and put … after Rubicon.
But that is just me. But it seems to me it would make a big difference in strength.
youngjed reviewed Version 2 -
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it evoked some kind of machine: i thought of (bizarrely) a coffee machine at night and then a life support machine
Bendo13 reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s a little vague but I’m taking it to be about a birth maybe? tubes and wires hooked up to the mother, the noises from the hospital room and a great child is born to break boundaries? I’m not sure if I got it or not. It does make you think though and I’m sure I’m way off.
DirtAngels reviewed Version 2 -
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What this evoked? Let’s see, my thoughts on the first line, just initially, is a birth in the night. Referring to the reader’s or the writer’s birth or any human being’s. Like Caesar you were born to cross the Rubicon is, if I remember my ancient history, when Julius Caesar took his 7 Legions across the Rubicon breaking the law of Rome in order to start a civil war with Dictator Pompey. This would imply, to me, that we were all born with the potential for treason, for greatness, all born with the potential to be both saviors and tyrants.
Thank you for sharing.
doktorsarcasm reviewed Version 2 -
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When I read this, I think of some major metropolis late at night, in one of the seedier parts.
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Version 2
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