Poetry / Unlogical Love

As i began reading i immediately liked the simplicity of the piece, no complicating the matter with stretching metaphors and weak images. I think i felt your overall point and message but it seems like the initial clarity in the writing is lost a bit in the middle and the confusion kind of continues. Its not that the lines are ugly in how they are put together it’s just that they seem to obscure the point with a plethora of ultra specific implications that are not needed for the poems message to be clear. I’ll give an example, you may disagree but mine is only an opinion. When you bring up
“I shouldn’t have done this,
but history repeats itself.”
i was like “what?”
and then you use her as many different things, a bullet, someone you are supposed to destroy, and a painter, i gathered these to be the love-sick words of a character who at the end says very clearly
“please tell me your desires,
mine are obvious.”
which is my favorite part.
Well done.

Love is always illogical. Love has nothing to do with philosophy or mathematics. But having written this poem of unrequited love I do think the logical thing to do would be to send it with a huge bunch of roses to your beloved.

Your best line is “we were lovers between sheets of paper.”

You follow that with “I was a poet before this war.”  

They don’t mesh well as written. Choose one or the other and tighten your work.

I like “we were lovers…”

shards of metal and memories. This is a great line to express the battle of your emotion.

I Liked It Myself. I Don’t Often See Words Like Blackjack Used. And It Was Interesting How You Used Metal And Memories Together. I Myself Like Poems That Rhyme But I Still Appreciate What You Have Here, The Feelings You Must Have Been Feeling. I Know I Can Relate To That Myself Currently, So This Really “Spoke” To Me. Every Now And Then It Did Seem Choppy Though, So I Would Look Over It After Awhile, Then See If There Is Anything You Want To Edit.

I thought this was wonderful. The image placed in my mind was this person almost going crazy with all the non stop memories in their mind. So many questions asked and it seemed like the person answered their questions for themselves. It’s awesome when the writer can place the reader in their mind. Great job wonderful write.

Nice development. I like the changes. I can understand the story now. I especially like “You are the bullet I never dodged”. Also the stanza “Your words are too much” is very powerful, visceral. Thanks. Nice.

I like your references to material objects. It seems as the the speaker’s ‘love’ still exists “between sheets of paper” (great line, by the way)—it seems strange that the speaker would be so affected by a “picture” as to consider his love a “war.” A nice depiction of a two-dimensional romance.

i loved this piece overall. i thought the ambiguity of certain words definitely worked. i think the fifth stanza was easily my favorite. the only issue, i think the second stanza could be worded to read a little more smoothly. but overall, this is really well written. good job!

this was so good, I loved the way the words came together. The emotions that came through. I found my self saying at the end line.  Mine are obvious to see? just a thought as I found myself saying it. hope you dont mind. well done and thank you sharing jayne