Thanks for the insights and for the ideas as to direction—they may prove to be helpful.
Screenplay / Moon and Juniper (Analysis)
MOON AND JUNIPER
INT DECO ARTS HOTEL, SUITE 23A – NIGHT
It’s New Year’s Eve, 1939. Deirdre, feeling misty after drinking her share of midnight cheer, sways about the room, humming a broken tune that’s supposed to be “Someone to Watch Over Me.” Using her martini glass as a dancing partner, she spills not a drop. She glides over to Walter, whose witty good nature has come to the fore. Though he’s enjoyed a few Scotches that evening, he is in command of his senses, and he easily catches her as she stumbles into his arms. They sway lightly together by the terrace.
DEIRDRE
(sweetly)
Hey there, cutie.
WALTER
Hey, yourself.
(smiles)
DEIRDRE
What?
WALTER
I was just thinking what an adorable couple you and gin make.
DEIRDRE
Why do you suppose that is?
WALTER
Must be the juniper.
DEIRDRE
Juniper?
WALTER
The essence of the gin.
DEIRDRE
Juniper…What a lovely word.
WALTER
We shall name our child Juniper.
DEIRDRE
(dreamily)
A child named Juniper.
WALTER
A lovely daughter.
DEIRDRE
(still in his arms, she grimaces and pushes away a bit)
Ew, God no. No girls, Walter. Girls are hard. A boy, two boys, hell, a whole football team if you like, but promise me, Walter, no girls.
WALTER
A boy it is then.
DEIRDRE
(hugs Walter, closes her eyes)
A bouncy, bouncy boy.
WALTER
A lovely son named Juniper.
DEIRDRE
(smiles)
Idiot. Do you want him to hate us?
WALTER
Yes, well, he’s bound to, anyway.
DEIRDRE
You think?
WALTER
Rebellious youth and all. I remember what I put my parents through.
DEIRDRE
Well, your parents are wretched boors. I can’t believe you turned out as well as you did.
WALTER
Too bad they couldn’t be more like your folks.
DEIRDRE
(taken aback)
What? Dead?
WALTER
You know what I mean. They were fun people, with a lovely daughter. What was her name?
DEIRDRE
They liked you very much, Walter.
WALTER
You think so, eh?
DEIRDRE
Mm-hmm.
WALTER
How did we get on this subject, anyway?
DEIRDRE
The kid.
WALTER
Mmm, the kid.
(pulls back a bit)
When did we start having kids?
(smiles)
Deirdre Muriel Andrews, are you proposing to me?
DEIRDRE
(pulls away)
Walter Morrow Hutchinson. How dare you? You wait until I’m all junipered up, and then you start in about kids…
WALTER
Oh my.
DEIRDRE
...and parents and Acapulco honeymoons…
WALTER
Hold on. Who said anything about a honeymoon?
DEIRDRE
Shut up. And then, when I’m all full of moon and juniper, you try to turn it around on me.
WALTER
Well, I seem to have really loused it up. Can’t we just go back to…
DEIRDRE
NO. We can never go back. We can only go…
(points to some distant point before her)
WALTER
To the bathroom?
DEIRDRE
Forward, Walter. We can only go forward, or…
(her throat catches)
WALTER
Are you going to cry?
DEIRDRE
No, I am not going to cry.
WALTER
You can if you want.
(produces a clean handkerchief)
Here.
DEIRDRE
I told you…
(rips the handkerchief from his hand)
I’m not going to cry.
(wrings the handkerchief in nervous fashion)
I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction.
WALTER
Come along now, Deirdre…
(takes her gently by the shoulders)
DEIRDRE
(shakes him loose)
Is there any gin left?
WALTER
(picks up the empty fifth and upends it)
Mmm…I think the bottle has had it. However…
(brandishes his pocket flask)
DEIRDRE
Leave it and get out.
WALTER
Beg pardon?
DEIRDRE
Get out, Walter. I’m sick of your silly face.
WALTER
That’s perfectly understandable, but don’t you think you’re being just a bit melodramatic.
DEIRDRE
No, Walter. This…
(adopts the pose and stilted cadence of the ham actor)
...is melo-drama-TIC
(she wheels at him, hissing)
This…is drunk and livid.
WALTER
Sweetheart, you’re just overwrought.
DEIRDRE
Overwrought? Overwrought?!
WALTER
Are you going to be sick?
DEIRDRE
No, damn it. Don’t change the subject.
WALTER
Good God, you are.
DEIRDRE
Forget it, Walter. You’re just trying to distract me.
WALTER
I’ve never seen anyone so pale. You look like Bela Lugosi in Chanel.
DEIRDRE
I’m fine, I said. Now get out.
WALTER
I’m sure you’re fine, but why don’t we sit you down just the same.
Deirdre begins to cry as Walter leads her to the sofa.
WALTER (CONT’D)
Now what’s wrong?
DEIRDRE
I don’t want to be sick.
WALTER
(takes the handkerchief and dabs at Deirdre’s tears)
Nobody does, darling. It’s what makes us superior to the lower mammals.
DEIRDRE
I hate the spinning, the headache, the retching.
WALTER
Yes, let’s not belabor the point, Dee. I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.
Walter gets up and crosses the room.
DEIRDRE
Hey!
WALTER
(stops and turns to face her)
Hey what?
DEIRDRE
Where y’going?
Walter goes to the ice bucket, soaks the handkerchief.
WALTER
We’re going to try to coax a little color back into those cheeks.
DEIRDRE
Thank you.
WALTER
Don’t mention it.
(he sits back down with her)
Here…
(lays the cloth over her forehead and eyes)
DEIRDRE
(lurches forward)
Ow! That’s cold.
WALTER
Yes, dear. Sorry about that.
(folds the cloth, strokes her face lightly)
How’s that feel?
DEIRDRE
That’s nice.
She suddenly comes out of her swoon and her eyes pop open.
DEIRDRE (CONT’D)
(mutters)
Walter…
WALTER
Yes, love.
DEIRDRE
(swallows hard)
Oh, Walter…I think I need you to take me to bed.
WALTER
I don’t know, dear. I think you’d be better off with aspirin and sleep.
He helps her to her feet, then picks her up. As he carries her to her room…
DEIRDRE
(sleepily)
Walter?
WALTER
Yes, Deirdre.
DEIRDRE
You’re a nice man.
WALTER
Thank you, Dee.
DEIRDRE
I love you, you know.
(falls asleep)
WALTER
And I, you.
DEIRDRE
(beat)
What’s wrong with Acapulco?
They exit.
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Astromancer reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was cute, but I was confused about half way through. You said they were at a party. I had more of a sense that they were alone. I liked the banter, but I am assuming this is a period piece. It is refreshing to see some writing that suggests the audience is capable of thinking. Being an old-timer who was brought up on the old romantic comedies, I’m tempted to say the dialogue is dated, but a darned sight better than some of the stuff written by some contemporary writers that seemed convinced that all their audiences suffer from ADD. Kudos, and keep it up!
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capnb4 reviewed Version 1 -
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Act I, Scene 2 perhaps. Language
somewhat stilted, as in the day.
Keep working on it.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you captured this very well. At the beginning with the back and forth of the dialogue it felt a little Woody Allen-ish. Except for Walter seemed like anything but the bespectacled genius. But D reminded me of that kind of boozy New York socialite—very proper despite her drunkeness.
The story sways back and forth as most of it is based around Walter’s reactions to D. The banter between them is quick, sharp, and for the most part, very polished.
”...until I’m all junipered up…” Haha! Nice.
There are many directions that you could take this. Just a few:
1.) Maybe the couple find out that someone is stalking D. Is she a professional actress?
2.) Perhaps 3 months later D finds out that she’s having twins. A boy and a girl. Who will be Juniper?
3.) A drama about how booze destroys their lives?
4.) Then there’s always the murder mystery—Walter wakes up to find D dead. Or vice versa.
I think the scene plays out very well. Your suggestions about who the characters resemble in your Notes For Reviewer is very telling—It says to me that you’ve got a firm grasp of your characters in your imagination. This is always a good thing. And it’s obvious as your grasp of their language is consistent and charming. No negatives for you, sorry. Thanks for sharing.
-Curt
violareid reviewed Version 1 -
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A little comedic; easy to understand. Cute.
mradjuidjts reviewed Version 1 -
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I can only fault you because it doesn’t appeal to me. Then again my opinion is rendered moot, most likely, when I tell you that i do not care for Sinatra.
But, back to the scene. Very cute, very well placed, and easy to digest, there is zero awful extra bullshit, excuse the french.
Very good
UncleHarry reviewed Version 1 -
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this was a powerful piece. I liked when Walter produced a handkerchief, that touched my heart. I love this because it is heart worming, clean, and the wordplay was great. fantastic job.
J_es reviewed Version 1 -
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i don’t know much about screenplays but i really like this…i wanted to read more…it definitely felt 1939…can wait to read more of it.
DirtAngels reviewed Version 1 -
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I have very little experience reading either stage or screen plays but I can give you my overall impression. I thought it was much sweeter than it was funny, a throwback to another time when real gentlemen existed (well we still exist but not even women encourage us to act that way). It was simple and good.
The only bad thing is that as it stands alone I don’t quite understand what the point of the episode was, if there was slapstick comedy I missed it (which given my lack of experience with screenplays I find likely) but anyway, the overiding theme seemed to simply show that Walter is a sweet and very patient guy.
If I am off base here please feel free to educate me about this particular artform. There is a really good chance I don’t understand it at all and I would like to understand it.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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This works by itself, although I think the section when Deirdre is feeling sick is a bit long for this short piece. As a scene in a larger work, this would be very good.
There are lots of good lines here (e.g. “when I’m all full of moon and juniper”), and you have good instincts when it comes to writing good dialogue.
Usually I give a long list of proofreading notes. Your text looks clean.
alco reviewed Version 1 -
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More of this, put the plot around it and see what happens. It does remind me of a Cary Grant/Hepburn kinda movie. I don’t know if the woman drinking would be in line with most of the movies from that era, but it does remind me of the movie “Best Years of Our Lives”, the scene where Fred is passed out at the Stephenson’s place. Anyway, it’s good, just needs more than this scene. I liked the play on words with juniper, witty.
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