Young Adult / E.J. Horowitcz- Vamp Slayer- Chapter Two (Analysis)
Chapter Two
In a matter of seconds, we stood on a sidewalk in front of a busy city street. What city we were in, I didn’t know. It may have been downtown Cleveland because a blue sign on a street corner read Superior. But why the building, which would have looked like a studio or training center of some sort except for the strange sign on it, was located in downtown Cleveland I guess I’ll never know.
“Adrian, why are we standing in front of a training center for dhampirs?”
“What?” Adrian grabbed my arm. The half-vamp/half-human certainly had a tight grip. “I had a glamour over that sign. You shouldn’t have been able to read it. It’s supposed to read Martial Arts Training.”
I glanced at the sign on the two-story brick building in front of us and then again at Adrian, who, turned whiter than the first snow. “Um, I can read that plain as day. Isn’t a glamour some sort of illusion?”
Adrian slowly nodded.
“Well for whatever reason, it didn’t work with me.”
He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the building. The bell on the door jingled and a beautiful woman with black cherry curls cascading over her shoulders flashed a sly smile to both of us as Adrian pulled me inside. Her denim blue eyes looked me up and down as she rubbed her palms on her black leather pants.
Adrian let go of me and grabbed the woman’s shoulder. “Magdalena, we must hurry. Kali has Fiona and Caim. Fiona sent me a message to protect her son.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “But I knew E.J. had to come with us.”
Magdalena grabbed my arm. She had as strong a grip as Adrian and I wondered if she might be a dhampiress. “We’ll need more than just …” She stroked my skinny arm. “Then just one boy to save Fiona and Caim. We should travel to the castle. After all, our finest trainees are there.”
“We don’t have time.” Adrian clenched his fists and growled. “How many recruits and weapons do we have at the castle now?”
“Ten recruits and Guinevere dropped off more Hawthorne stakes yesterday. With the twelve stakes Colton brought us yesterday that gives us a total of forty.” Magdalena cocked her brow and put her hands on her shapely hips. “Think that will be enough.”
“It will have to be,” Adrian replied with a grimace. “Magdalena, E.J. was able to read our sign. We know he’s of demonic blood on his father’s side, but do you suppose on his mothers side he might belong to a dhampir bloodline?”
Magdalena lifted my chin and those intense blue eyes seemed to look into my very soul. “I suppose it’s possible, but the only way to know for sure is to ask Fiona herself. To do so, we must journey to Kali’s lair and rescue her. I’ll gather the troops.”
*
Although it was only ten minutes, it seemed like an eternity had passed as I waited outside the building with Adrian for Magdalena to ‘gather the troops.’ I thought about my parents. Were they okay? Was the bitchy vampire queen torturing Mom and Dad? As I thought about them, I suddenly heard my mother’s voice screaming in my head. E.J. .... Elvis Junior do not come to Kali’s lair to save me! Whatever Adrian tells you, you must stay away, my son. Save yourself. The yelling turned to sobbing and my heart began to ache. Please E.J. Your father and I l-love you so much.
I turned to Adrian, who stood beside me leaning against the building. “Mom doesn’t want me to rescue her. I heard her. I don’t know how or why …” I rubbed my aching temples. “Adrian, she’s so scared I’ll get hurt.”
“Your mother is reaching out to you telepathically. She did the same to me, but I suspect that her fears are unfounded. If you come from a dhampir bloodline …” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You could be very powerful. Despite your youth, I do sense great power in you. Do you know anything about your mother’s family?”
“I met my grandpa once or twice.” Grandpa Min, as he told me to call him, had a long silver beard, always dressed in expensive suits, and had a commanding British sounding accent. He spoke a bunch of different languages, Romanian, Hungarian, Slovak, Turkish, and Spanish, and taught me all the swear words in them the last time I saw him five years ago. “Grandpa Min is a hoot. He loves to travel and always brings me a souvenir from a different country, but there’s no way my grandpa is vampire. I mean I would know if he is.”
Adrian cocked his brow. “Grandpa Min?”
I nodded. “Mom said it’s short for Mihnea.”
“Mihnea cel Rău, Mihnea the wrong doer, son of Vlad Tepes,” Adrian mumbled. “Damn you, Fiona, why didn’t you tell me?” He clenched his fists.
Minhea cel Rau, I knew that name. For a special Halloween academic tournament last year, our team had to study up on the life of Vlad Tepes, a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler. “So … you mean to tell me that I’m the grandson of Satan and the Great Grandson of the man who was Bran Stoker’s inspiration for Dracula?”
Adrian nodded and grabbed my arm. “We all have dark shadows in our family tree, my boy. I am the great-grandson of Countess Elizabeth Bathory, also known as the Countess of blood, as is my twin sister …” He shot a glance into the large window. We both spied Magdalena, carrying a bag of full dangerously spiked wooden stakes, followed by five teenage girls and five teenage boys, all of whom were dressed in long black cloaks. “Magdalena.”
“Great, glad to know I’m not the only one with a messed up family tree. And Mom didn’t keep the fact that Vlad’s my great-grandfather a secret from just you.” I kicked a rock at my foot. “She kept it from me too. In fact, my whole life looks like it’s been one big friggin’ lie.”
“Your parents hid this from you to protect you. Now that you know the truth, it only makes you stronger,” He flashed me an odd half-grin. “It will never change the person you are inside E.J., no matter how matter how many skeletons your family keeps in their closet.”
“Thanks for the words of wisdom, Adrian, but I think I will talk to my parents when we rescue them just to see what else they’ve hid from me.”
*
“Where are we now? And how the heck do you keep transporting us all over the freaking world? ” I asked Adrian while I stared through the vast desert in front of me, to the shadowy mountains looming over the horizon. The sky around us was dark, with what seemed like millions of little stars providing us with the only light.
A brisk cool wind blew Adrian’s long dark hair around, as well as the sand at his feet, “Teleportation is a skill that all dhampires and dhampiresses share. I’ll teach it to you someday. We now stand before the Arvalli Range in India. Kali’s lair is in a cave deep within the mountains.”
I still couldn’t get over how fast Adrian and his sister were able to transport me and the other recruits all over the world. One minute we stood in front of the training center in bustling downtown Cleveland, and the next minute we all stood in a desert in India, ready to raid the lair of the evil vampire queen, and rescue Mom and Dad.
Go home, EJ, please go home! Mom screamed so loud inside my brain that it gave me a splitting headache. Your father broke free and he’ll take care of you. He’s looking for you. You must go home, young man.
“Adrian.” I tugged at the sleeve of his cloak. “Mom just said Dad broke free. She said he’s looking for me.”
Adrian was about to answer me when a tall man with a long silver beard and dark brown eyes, dressed in an Armani suit, which look totally out of place in the desert, grabbed Adrian’s arm. “Why didn’t you tell me Kali had my daughter?” My grandpa, son of Dracula, growled.
“Um, probably because he didn’t know where to find you, or even know you’re my mom’s Dad.” I answered before Adrian could. “Hi Grandpa, long time no see.”
Grandpa raised a sterling brow and then grimaced at Adrian. “I cannot believe you brought my grandson. Fiona shall not be pleased, but all the same we must rescue her.”
“Magdalena and our recruits are readying our weapons now. And if it’s true what EJ just said about his father, I have no doubt that Caim will arrive soon to help us.”
Grandpa grinned, and as I spied his fangs, I wondered how I could have missed them. Heck, I wondered how I could have missed a lot of things.
“My son-in-law sent me to rescue my daughter. Obviously, he did not know you would be here. He went to look for E.J. I shall contact him after we rescue Fiona.”
I furrowed my brows. “So we’re just supposed to leave Dad? I mean I know he’s a demon but—”
Grandpa leaned over me and grabbed my shoulder. “Your father is more than just an ordinary demon. He’s the prince of hell. In his true form, he has great power. It’s probably how he was able to escape from Kali, although I wish he could have helped your mother escape. Your father will be fine, my grandson, right now we need to save your mother.”
Adrian tapped my grandpa on the shoulder. “Minhea, why didn’t you tell me? You know how long I’ve been searching for the dhampir who could destroy Kali? You’ve sent me some of our best recruits, yet you kept our own grandson hidden?”
Grandpa only grunted. “We will talk about E.J. later. Right now we must rescue his mother.”
I stood there for a second too stunned to move. Adrian truly believed that me … weak little Elvis Junior Horowitcz ... could destroy a powerful vamp queen? I only moved at all when Grandpa Min nearly pulled my arm out of my socket. Heck, I always thought I’d work for NASA someday. Not be the one destined to slay some bitchy vampire. My kneed buckled beneath me. All this was too much to believe.
As we all ran toward the mountain, a pretty blonde haired girl, dressed in a leather tank, tight blue jeans, and brown leather boots, suddenly tapped me on the shoulder. “I could not help, but overhear you, but is Minhea truly your grandfather?” The girl had a very sweet Brit accent that I would have gone crazy for if I wasn’t so in love with Noelle.
“Yep, he is,” I replied, impressed by the way my asthma hadn’t flared up yet, then again I was too busy thinking about my mom, and how the heck we were gonna rescue her. The adrenaline rush must have pushed my physical impediment aside.
“Oh. You’re grandfather is a nice man … I mean vampire … he found me fighting vampires alone outside Highgate Cemetery in London. One of Kali’s minions had murdered both my mother and father. Minhea knew I was a dhampiress and sent me to Adrian and Magdalena. I’ve been training with them for months and I know they shall free your mother.” She glanced behind her shoulder at Grandpa Min. “We’ll all save her.”
I wanted to believe this girl, but I didn’t know how powerful Adrian, Magdalena, and their troops were. I really couldn’t think of any words of encouragement, given the situation. Instead, I just shrugged and said, “Sure, but first we have to find her.”
When we reached the base of the mountain, I huffed and puffed a little, but managed to get my breathing under control without reaching for my inhaler. I turned to the pretty blonde haired dhampiress. Her silver eyes glittered brighter than the stars above us.
“Thanks for the reassurance … um …” I cocked my brow. “I’m sorry but I don’t know your name.”
“Dia, Dia Longsworth,” she said, offering me her hand, and giving me a slight grin. She had fangs, like Adrian, only Dia’s were smaller and she only had them on the bottom teeth. “Magdalena said that Kali’s lair is protected by many of her legions.” She glanced at the stakes strapped to her leg. “Have you ever killed a vampire before?”
“Until this afternoon,” I glanced at the mountain that Adrian, Magdalena, and my grandfather had already started climbing. “I didn’t even believe vampires. Now I don’t have a choice but to believe in them.” I started up the rocky pass behind Dia. “I only hope my mom’s okay because I really have to talk to her. She hid too many things from me.”
Dia stopped, and put her hand on my shoulder. “I never knew my father was a vampire until after Kali’s minions arrived at our flat one day. Come on, let’s rescue your mother. I’m certain she had a good reason for keeping her secret.”
“Yeah, she probably wanted to protect me,” I replied with a frown.
I would soon find out that my Mom had good reasons for wanting to protect me. In fact, I think I realized that about half way up the mountain when a burly, hair wolf with bat-like wings blocked out path. The beast let out a ferocious growl and I knew rescuing Mom from things like that, and whatever the hell else Kali had up her sleeve, wasn’t going to be like any comic book I had ever read.
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Ah, so many references to great legends and stuff.. I love it. Vlad Tepes, Elisabeth Bathory..
I like how you mixed them with “new” stuff like damphirs – even though I’ve read about them, they’re not used very often in stories.
It’s an interesting take on the whole vampire arc. Very good. This has great potential. I’d give you some advice on how to improve it, but I’m not sure really, it reads great as it is.
Dia seems like a promising character too, i can see why you were reluctant to kill her off.
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There’s grammar problems, but aside from that, there’s a problem with the flow of the story. There’s too much action and too many characters without any of them being fleshed out. So far, they all seem pretty two dimensional and their personalities mesh together.
I live in Cleveland (I’m not sure if you do or don’t) and let me say that not only are there plenty of states with the street ‘Superior’ in them, but there are plenty of Cleveland suburbs that Superior runs through (East Cleveland, Cleveland Heights, etc.). East Cleveland signs are blue, and East Cleveland definitely isn’t downtown. And even if it is downtown, what part of Superior is he on? The part where it’s more slummy, or the part where it actually looks and breathes like a city? You should describe his surroundings, which leads me to my next point.
There’s no description. It’s all action and dialogue. The reader needs a rest from that. Build your world. Flesh out your characters.
There’s plenty of originality in this piece, and with a little more effort you can turn it into something magnificent.
‘In a matter of seconds…’ I love that reference to how quick vampires are – I did something similar in one of the parts of Winterhaven and my husband (who is also a big vampire story fan) really appreciated the reference. So many other writers would have just written something bland and ridiculous like ‘we were at the street in seconds because of how quickly vampires move’. Uh, I can’t stand it sometimes.
’black cherry curls’ – I really like that description. Creative as hell. :)
So this has nothing to do really with this chapter, but I read another review someone gave you and they addressed that they did not understand why/how E.J had asthma and it made me wonder . . . is E.J just as normal in the physical sense as everyone else despite his roots, or was it just an oversight?
I do like your references to other vampire stories – I think a lot of readers will enjoy being able to relate to and understand them.
I enjoy the way that you talk about how much you ‘like’ your character Dia and therefore don’t want to get rid of her. That makes the characters and story so much more real and interesting to the readers when a writer truly knows and loves his/her characters. Lastly, love the last sentence in this chapter. :)
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