Poetry / golden happiness

It’s hard for me to critique, only because I think we have a similar approach and cadence.  However, I appreciate your build-up and I really like several lines:
I’m deaf/when you don’t speak; all 3 ‘pleadings’; and all colon breaks.  These work and I appreciate your word play with mute(ations).  I am only unsure of the last quotation usage with “line.”  I am alright without clarity, but I feel that I am perhaps on the outside of a inside story and it may be just the fault or interpretation of the quotation marks.  Just something to think about.

I liked this a lot.  Its simplicity, the interesting, pithy newness of some of the language (brogue, I liked for instance, misreckoning).  If I’m being picky, target audience was a bit incongruous as was ‘misfire’ and the last five lines sit rather oddly.  They read like a clarification but I am not sure they clarify.  The atmosphere of the rest though really carries it along.  Its a very familiar story but none the weaker for that, which is a real skill.  To deal with that level of familiarity and still make it fresh.

I am not sure about some of the transitions. You begin by feeling dawn on you, but shortly afterwards we have twilight.

the use of “target audience” puzzles me. It seems more of a marketing term than something I would expect in poetry.

If you use another language like les mots aimé I think that one needs to follow the rules of the foreign language. Les mots is masculine plural, so the adjective needs to agree in gender, number and case. Should be les mots aimés.

Some nice images but also a lot of abstract words that take away from the visual impact of images.

Keep at it. I liked the opening, but I might suggest even dropping the first line.

Stargate

Everything is clear up until the ending. The “We are quintessence, we are one gold “line” is not clear in its meaning. As well the word confabulation is not appropriate I feel because many can’t read it without having to have a dictionary as a reference to its meaning. It takes away from any poem when you have to look up words and then go back to reading. On a positive note, loved the use of mute(ations). Nice play on words.

“we’ve our own brogue
you and I
direct connect
or just signals
in distant yet audible keys
and even in silence
I hear you
when you speak
target audience:
me”
this i really like.  i had to read the whole thing like 4 times, maybe it’s the wine i’m drinking but i think it’s confusing but i guess i like confusion.

The message is being transmitted, but it is faint and lost in the noise of the universe.  I can almost hear what you are trying to say, but it is just too scrambled for my ears.  Sometimes rhyming, sometimes not rhyming… sometimes setting a pace other times just throwing words at me.  I can’t interpret this as it is written.  I think some stylistic decision need to be made, and a little yielding to your audience necessary.  Give me something to work with,   trying and complete the image a little more.  you say we are quintessential, but to what end?  What is a “casual confabulation” anyway… the words don’t really seem to apply to eachother or to any subject… and what the heck is a “brogue”?  I looked it up and all I found was “a shoe” or “an accent” neither seem to have any meaning here.

I really enjoyed reading this.  I loved the opening stanza, but think maybe it should have had two breaks instead of three.  In the next stanza, the phrase “target audience: me,”  just didn’t do much for me, the language could be played with there to make it more fluid with your gold and linear metaphor.  The line “I’m deaf/ when you don’t speak,” was the perfect metaphor for such a perfect love.  I hope t see more.

Excellent.  Uniquely written.  Strong and powerful at times, light and enlighteneing at others.  A very strong composition that uses a variety of form and technique.  I love the variety and the manner in which the poem is pieced together.  It flows very well and weaves an intricate story from start to finish.  I’m not one for the formal, tradtional construction of poetry as I believe poetry must flow from the core of one’s being.  And for me, you have given us a very strong piece that identifies exactly with how I think poetry should be portrayed.  Very Well Done!

I gave it a very high rating simly because after two readings I still couldn’t quite figure what it was about but certain lines spoke to me and in my mind formed their own meanings molded to my life experience.  I also felt as if I’d been taken to poetry school and this piece reminded me how little I know about poetry and rekindled a long dormant desire to learn about it.

Thank you.

Short and simple; We meaning you, or you and me?

Confuzzled.