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Poetry / If I should die... (Analysis)
If I should die
And you should live
There’s just one thing I would want you to give:
Just a little of your time so the memory lives on
As nobody would want to be forgotten
If I should die
And you should live on
All I would want is a little gravestone
With a few odd flowers and a photo too
That much will just have to do
If I should die
And you should live long
Don’t worry for me about where I’ve gone
Since I believe there’s neither Hell nor Heaven
Just a hole in the ground for my little coffin
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Luis_de_Leon reviewed Version 1 -
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A simple and almost childlike (not to be confused with childish; & certainly not an insult) piece; in style if not in content. I enjoyed the sentiments – even if I did not entirely agree with them. Kudos.
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Brian76 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice rhythm and rhyming. Almost a song. Maybe you should add some music to it.
For me it’s a very interesting subject with original point of view. I just hope there’s no topicality in your life about this poem. I will read more of your poems because I quite like this one.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was going to be a bit twee, but your ending was unexpected and good. The speaker shows humlity and a sense of practical matters, when it comes to life and death. Good. Keep writing.
Why “little” coffin at the end. Is the speaker a child? Perhaps a baby still inside his mother’s womb?
kivawiva reviewed Version 1 -
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Really nicely written…I can relate to the sentiment, and I love the simplicity of it. Very clean.
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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sad poem, this… i wonder who you’re writing this to? your parents? a friend? a lover? i’d like more of a hint – “little coffin” is a hint… makes me think that a child is writing this…
are you trying to comfort here? i was unclear…
nice job overall….
JosephS reviewed Version 1 -
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As far as this being morbid or dark, it really wasn’t. I liked the third and forth line of the second stanza: “All I would want is a little gravestone
With a few odd flowers and a photo too”
It really paints a bleak picture in the readers mind.
I’m not the biggest fan of rhyming poetry, but I didn’t keel over before it was over.
Thanks.
snootchon4 reviewed Version 1 -
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I am sorry to say that I am not overly fond of this piece. The initial rhyme of “live” and “give” is a bit too easy as is the “long, gone” from the final stanza. The rhyme scheme of the poem does not follow the pattern of the first stanza: “on” does not rhyme with “gravestone” Similar results with the next two lines in each stanza: “on, forgotten.” The approximate rhyme of “heaven” and “coffin” lacks punch, especially difficult when it is at an emotional watershed in the poem.
That being said, the concept is good. It is summed up to me in the:
There’s just one thing I would want you to give:
Just a little of your time so the memory lives on
As nobody would want to be forgotten.
But there are so many words it could be condensed to give it more oomph. And I do like the image of a “little gravestone/with a few odd flowers” though the picture part loses something. I would rework from the the feelings in the last 4 lines of each stanza. The repetition of “If I should die/and you should live…” may be unnecessary.
Would love to read a reworking because, as I said, the concept is strong.
Pete
Strass reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad but it seem to be missing something.. Perhaps it should be longer. It has a touching quality about it.
trampledpixie reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s rather interesting that you requested reviews the same time I’ve been trying to find the absolute best sympathy card for a friend. This moved me with its simplicity and honesty. I like how you have it set up as well, the lines progressing from one to the next very smoothly.
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