Poetry / Mandarin (Analysis)
From where I stand it is obvious
like plastic chopsticks, like you
and me laughing, wonton soup
up our noses. I say,
I am going to China, and you say,
That’s fantastic, now I will know someone
who has gone to China.
Write me, I say. No computer? Not in China.
A lie. But I want you to crinkle and uncrinkle
the first letter I send you,
wherein I will fall in love with a man named Wan-xu
and you will imagine me whispering
Wonshu, wonshu
which is just wrong, which is frankly insulting.
You know, in China
we are careful of our names.
No: we will write of other things.
I hear an old man playing the erhu
and scribble, This melody is like me.
We share certain silences
and violent arpeggios.
You return: I wish I had heard it. My sister
plays the violin and hates it,
and launch into a story I already know.
These are the conversations. But when I write
of night markets, pipao, fried duck,
your wonderful Orient,
in another language I am saying: Forgive me.
I have forgiven you.
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Punctuation: Your use of punctuation accentuates this poem nicely. I like the manner that you break it up into various sections, cause hesitation, and at the end of the poem seemingly drift off into some Chinese background.
Word Choice: I think it is okay in a very serene kind of way. You take a somewhat up and down, in and out manner to say things and it seems to work well with the imagery your words portray. You have a very creative way of setting the scene for this poem and it captures the reader’s imagination.
Composition: This poem reads a lot like a well worn path or roadway. It has twists and turns and you better be careful not to go off the side of the road or else you might tumble into a ditch. It has that kind of effect. You want to carefully grasp each and every facet this poem presents and soak in its meaning.
Thanks for creating a very nice piece of poetry that captures the imagination in a truly unique and singular manner. I do appreciate the manner in which your poem ends and find it captivating.
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Well I think the conversation can be worked out a little more. Maybe more like hhow you would hear on the telephone more than a letter? And maybe worry less about metaphors in some places as well.
Conversational: I loved the subtle message and agree it was conversational.
Challenging: You maintained a consistant theme throughout from title to musical instruments. I appreciated the way you defined the more obscure terms to the western reader with the erhu and violin and Wonshu for Wan-xu and even the arppegios was contrasted with silence to help explain its meaning reducing some of the challanges in understanding your writing.
Fluent: The fluency was aided with these definitions, although somewhat obscure to a western reader, I found it spicy :) and educational.
Cliche or redundant: I didn’t find this to be either cliche or redundant.
The ending was touching and personal.
overall: I enjoyed reading it.
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